Forums » Smalltalk » Fat Shaming/Bullying/Sexualization Vent

I'm not fat, but there are a couple things I'd like to share.

First, about my mom. She is fat. She did not grow up fat. She became fat doing the things people tell fat people to do.

I was my mom's second child. She was thin to begin with, and while carrying me, had a particularly hard pregnancy. She actually lost weight while pregnant with me because she just couldn't keep anything down. And... I guess maybe that messed something up long-term, because after I was born, she just kept gaining weight. To be clear, she was not sedentary, nor did she overeat, nor did she eat too much fast food. Her work has usually required her to help elderly and disabled folks move around, she hardly ever ate anything significant, and she enjoys cooking at home. In recent years, she has a lot more trouble getting around because a doctor shrugged her off until my dad bought her back literally hours from dying from meningitis; it destroyed her left inner ear, and among other things, seriously messed up her balance. That's a bit of a thing with her actually - she has an unfortunate knack for picking up nasty illnesses, but never anything even linked to weight.

The other thing I want to mention is part "yes, blindly mocking fat people is a real issue" and part admission that I, unfortunately, blindly contributed. The school I went to kindergarten through part of third grade, on the bus, there was a high schooler who was fat. The standard practice on the bus to go home was, when he got on, for everyone to make fun of him for being fat and act like he stank as he made his way to the back, just because he was fat. I, being terrible like the rest of the kids, joined in because that was just what everyone did. I did eventually actually sit by him and talk to him, and yeah, the "stink" thing really was just a cruel invention. He didn't stink, and he was a nice guy, and... I want to think that whole situation is shocking, but it's really far, far too common.

I've tried to do better in the time after.

I think it's important to point out that even if someone gets fat from overeating, or not exercising much, they're still a person who doesn't deserve hatered and such. There's so many fat people who feel like they have to say "but I don't eat bad, I do exercise" because, like you, you felt the need to defend your mother by saying she didn't get fat by over eating/eating bad/not exercising - because there is a social stigma. We shouldn't need to say that, or defend ourselves or other people, ya know!

Secondly, I am not perfect. I have never been perfect. So, I don't blame you or anyone who used to bully people, and learned, grew, got better. It happens. If you learned a lesson and are doing better, trying better, that is what matters.

I used to be homophobic even though I am bisexual - but I didn't admit this at the time. I used to think and say bad things about fat people's appearances, espeically while people were making fun of me for my own, because it was instilled in me, those things are bad. I shamed women and my own self for promiscuity/assumed promiscuity and did not understand/believe in sexism.

I was homophobic, fatphobic, misogynistic and self-hating in my past. I took personal responsibility for it and changed.

You took person responsibility for your own actions and work hard not to repeat them. That means something

Thank you for your story. I can only imagine how difficult that is. I care about you, and am so grateful you shared with me You can talk to me anytime you need to.

Thank you for sharing with me It is very difficult to live in a world where something is so widely hated and judged as being larger is. It can be easier or worse to handle depending on culture and where someone lives.

I am personally 4 years in recovery from an eating disorder, so, I can relate on many levels with you even if it's not the exact same for us.

I think one of the biggest things is that there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose or gain weight - but people need to take a look and make sure it's for the right reasons. Losing or gaining weight to fit into a dress, isn't good. Losing or gaining weight to make other people happy, not good.

It needs to truly be for yourself.

It's the same thing with...many things. People shouldn't change their hair because other people want them to, they shouldn't get plastic surgery because other people want them too. Women and female presenting people shouldn't have to shave simply because people say they should. Men and male presenting people shouldn't need to have body hair simply because people say they should.

If someone is going to do something, it needs to be for themselves and because they truly thinks it's the best for them, and not done out of self hate or to please someone else.

Thanks so much again for your story and kind words.

I'm just going to put this here for sake of getting it off my chest and making people aware who don't seem to understand why some things said in the earlier replies of this topic are/were not okay.

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I would like to simply point out that there is a difference between a disagreeable/debatable opinion and an opinion that further oppresses marginalized people by continuing the spread of harmful stereotypes and pushing incorrect assumptions about those people under the guise of ‘undeniable absolute information'

The latter, should not be tolerated - but you are of course granted with free speech to say such things, and other people are granted with free speech to tell you your opinion is harmful to marginalized people and won't be tolerated in a space.

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On that note, this post is of course open for people who want to vent about bullying and sexualization they have faced that is unrelated to fatphobia, but please be aware my main focus and intention for this topic, is fatphobia and the systematic oppression of fat people. Regardless, I am here for anyone who needs a internet hug and to share.

My intention was more of a "don't make assumptions about people" than a defense of my mom being fat, but you're right. For one, overeating could very well be due to a nervous condition or something. For two, let's just not hate people in general. With fatness, if it's not your body, it shouldn't be any of your concern why someone is fat. If it is your body, just do what you can to be healthy, whatever that actually looks like for you.

Oh no, I totally get that - the thing with having to say 'don't make assumptions' stems from defense, and you're not wrong for it at all. It's just messed up that it needs to be said at all. What I said was more so directed towards people in general, and I definitely didn't intend to say that what you were saying it wrong, just that it's a little sad we need to say such things! I apologize if it came off differently.

Alright. I guess I'll put in my two cents. I was trying not to. But it keeps popping up, so here's what I think.

First, about the actual topic.

My experience:

I don't have the same experience or feelings as some people have had to endure surrounding being overweight, even though I am, in fact, overweight. I chalk this up to the fact that I wasn't overweight as a kid, and I'm thinking that's when a lot of self-esteem issues can form surrounding that, especially because kids can be crueler than adults (more openly cruel). I was thin until I was about 26, and then we bought a car for the first time (pretty much the first time), and also my metabolism started changing. Now I'm in the category that doctors call "obese."

I can't really say much about this though, except that I feel for those people who have been hurt by peoples' unkind comments. Damnation, the fact that an adult who you looked up to made you feel bad about something you couldn't control and that really shouldn't have been such a big deal, instead of encouraging you, is particularly painful and messed up, and I feel for you. For that reason, and lots of other reasons, sometimes I wish I could give you a huge nonvirtual hug in real life because you are so smart, and you can be so sweet, and you are also do very talented with writing. You should feel good about yourself. You're also very pretty and I feel like you should feel good about that. I'm sorry that you feel like you have to choose between fat-shamed or being sexualized, I feel like you should be able to wear what you feel like you look good in, and not have to worry about things like that. I wish that everyone's reactions were such that you didn't feel like that much of the time.

I feel for the people who shared similar stories and *hugs* to you all. You are all lovely, and don't forget it.

What I can relate to:

Being sexualized? Well...I can relate to that, and it's because, to be frank, I've always had big boobs. It's a thing. I swear, no joke, that every time a guy who I'm friends with, or coworkers, or whatever, or even a customer of somewhere that I work...when someone that happens to be a man says the words, "Can I tell you something? Don't be offended, but..." I can usually guess the next thing that they're going to say. It's usually, "...but I just wanted to say that you have a really good...figure." Or sometimes it will be more direct than that, but usually polite. Now if someone approaches it like that, I just laugh it off. I've heard that line so many times I can finish the sentence for them. I can see why that would bother some people. For me, it's just been, like--"Thank you, and I don't know if I've told you this yet before or not, but I'm gay and I like girls. But thank you." There have been a few incidents that have bothered me more, like when somebody is just staring at you...that gets creepy and gross. But it doesn't happen often to me.

What I'm trying to say is, I get the feeling of being sexualized thing. Although I don't think it bothered me as much because I always didn't give a hoot what they thought, because my interests lie elsewhere. I think it's true that women are sexualized, but it's confusing to know what to say to a girl, I think. Saying you find someone attractive that way can feel like a compliment to some people and an act of aggression to other people and there's no way to predict which is going to be which. For instance, even in this thread, there are girls saying stuff about boobs...literally...but the same thoughts expressed by a man might be felt by the same person as sexualization. It's very confusing...sexuality is a complicated and confusing thing. And so, I guess what I'm saying is that I can see how women can feel overly sexualized and I can also see how men could feel sensitive to being labeled as over-sexualizers in an environment where it's not always clear or universal what is an acceptable way to express those attractions. The ego of some men is invested in the identity of being "not that kind of guy," and that's why identities sometimes feel threatened when that distinction is not allowed to be made, or when broad statements are made that don't allow any room for it.

What I can relate to is the feeling of being different. What I got made fun of for was being a weird kid. I had an OCD when I was a kid (still do, to a point, but it's not nearly as bad), that caused me to do strange things that no one understood. For example, I would repeat actions in multiples of four. If I touched a table three times, for example, I would touch it a fourth time, and sometimes I couldn't remember how many times I had touched it (what if I touched it earlier and forgot?), so I would touch it another time, but that wouldn't feel right, so I would tough the another three times, then another four times and it just kept going like that. Eventually I would just be tapping the side of a table hundreds of times and other kids would be looking at me like, "what the flip is wrong with you, you weirdo?" Ok, so that makes me a tad bit emotional. So I guess I was bullied about something, sort of. More than anything, I was ostracised. I think while boys get beat up more than girls, girls get ostracised more by their peers, and that can be, believe me, just as harmful. Middle school was just...for me...horrible. Some people had it worse. But it was not fun for me, I'll tell you that. And I didn't have the social skills to know how to fix it. I'm better now but it took a while. I had two good best friends--thank God, and I don't know what it would have been like without them. One of them, a girl named Cheri, she thought all my weird OCD rituals and strange way of seeing things was interesting. Instead of treating me like someone with a plague she treated me like some kind of fascinating person. We're still best friends, and we always will be. But yeah, I had a head tic, a wrist tic, a weird thing where I wouldn't breathe under trees, a phobia of cemetaries, a tendency to want to wear the same shirt every single day even though everyone thought I was a freak for it, and on and on...and on top of that, people could tell I wasn't like..."gender conforming" I guess, is the word? I hated dresses, I hated the color, I hated lace. One girl came up to me on the playground one time and said, "You're a girl!? I thought you were a boy and your name was Miguel!" (Rhymes with Gail...lol). And she was serious, too. It wasn't that anyone made fun of that...and by middle school when my hair grew out they didn't think that, but it was the exclusion that killed me. I found somebody who I could make them laugh and thought, "ok, I'm friends with this person," then other "groups" wanted her and I remembering them being like, "Hurry, run! If you want to be in our group you can't be friends with her!" Ugh. Thank God my friends in the neighborhood were not like the kids at school were. They were awful.

I guess a constructive point from all this is, kids, remember that bullying isn't just active. It's excluding people from something everyone else is doing, too. If you're kind to somebody that has no friends, honestly, you might be their lifeline. Or at least, you'll be a point of light. And eventually they'll get to a place where everything is bright again, even though surely you alone can't be the one to get them there yourself. Be friends with somebody. It's everything.

Ok, that's my bullying story and now that I'm all emotional! Ugh.

Ok now on to the comments. Here's my two cents about the comments. I think Rim's comment about obesity being an illness was kind of rude, just the tone. I like the guy, he's fun to talk to in Just talkin', but it was kind of terse and rude. The next comment that caused a big fuss, where someone said "take pride in yourself because who gives a BLEEP what men think." I don't think she meant it in any sort of bad way, but then Ark came along and said "Not all of us are like that, so don't lump us all together please."

Now...why did he say that? Does anyone really think he said that because he wants to silence women or make them feel bad about themselves? Does anyone here want women to bad about themselves? I believe not. Maybe I'm naiive, but what I believe he was probably feeling he read "who gives a BLEEP what men think," was probably something like judged, villified, accused, dismissed, insignificant. I don't even know the person, but let's just take a hypothetical person, a guy, who, let's say, goes out of his way to be a gentleman and not objectify women. If he reads something that groups all men together and implies that you shouldn't care what they think because they're likely either going to fat-shame or sexualize any woman who wears a tight dress or shows cleavage (and please that the next sentence of that post was "for every snobby or trashy man...etc"...that hypothetical man who works hard at being a gentleman who reads something like that--although meant kindly towards you-- he would probably feel like all his effort at that is irrelevant, that no one cares about it, that women are just group all men together into a category of sexist no matter what, and that probably threatens his identity. And what do we do when our identity feels threatened...we go on the defense, we try to defend ourselves, or our group. So he says, we're not all like that. Then he gets accused of making an argument that is part of a global effort to silence women. I just don't understand it. To be honest, that makes mad. Why does it seem like women are allowed to have feelings and men are not?

Now, he should have explained it better. I should be explaining my feelings better now. We all should, always, be doing better at this than we do. What he probably should have said was, instead of "don't do/say this" something like, "when you/women/people paint all men with the negative same brush it makes me feel angry and villified." Or something like that. I don't know what people are people, and I'm trying not to assume, because that's what everyone keeps doing that keeps putting each other on the defense in this thread. But you said the same to Rimcaster when you said, "don't do this and that," and "you have some nerve," and so on, instead of "When you call obesity an illness and bring it up right after I've shared painful stories about my past that make me vulnerable it makes me feel like you're being completely insensitive to the purpose of this thread and it makes me incredibly angry." Or something. I know talking like that is ridiculous, but I'm just saying, it's the only way to not accused someone of something and assume what they are feeling and assign intentions to them.

So in my opinion, Ark did the same thing by saying "don't do this." It made it sound like he was accusing that poster of an intention that she didn't have, when she was just trying to encourage you. But his feelings are valid too. If he feels attacked by something like that, and tries to defend "some men," that doesn't mean he's attacking or trying to silence all women.

However... again...I understand how all the people who commented after that that people who say that are part of the problem...I see how those people who said that must have said that because their identities felt threatened as well. They have probably heard so many people make that same argument while they are trying to counteract a systemic trend of the objectification of women that they felt like their fellow female, who is trying to do the same thing, is trying to be silenced the way they may have been, and my issue with it is that no one knows what Ark meant by that. He is still being accused of something really evil simply for reacting emotionally to something. I just don't see how women can all be silenced by something like that--I think for women to assign that kind of power to men by saying that men can silence them by saying "not all men are like that," or a similar thing...is to not give women enough credit. It's almost like women giving men power over them to say a thing like that. To say "don't say these words, or else you are victimizing us and we are your victims..." It's like saying to them "your voice is more powerful than ours. For us to be heard, you must not speak." That's how that sounds to me when people say that men aren't allowed to express that they feel stigmatized by statements like "men are like this," or "men are like that," otherwise they are silencing women and they are part of the problem. I'm very sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings with this, but I just don't understand it and I get frustrated when people don't get along and can't see things from both points of view. You know I love you all, and I'm saying things that, ironically, are in disagreement with what some people on here who I consider dear friends of mine might think, people whose opinions of me matter to me more than the people whose opinions I'm defending, who I barely know. So I may have just really screwed myself, but I have to speak my mind at some point and that's my take on it.

I think everyone just got too worked up about this and stopped listening to one another and trying to understand where each other were feeling.

For the record, I think that everyone who posted also should have expressed empathy for the stuff that damnation originally talked about, before launching into their "different opinions."

Ok I'm done.


Sorry if every one is getting along now and I just make it all heated against, I'm not trying to. I just had to express this because IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY. Sorry.

Wow, what Abigail wrote really touched me and made me think about the whole topic.
At first I thought she was 'Another Funny' Lady but I became pleasantly surprised by her wisdom, kudos for you because what you did was brave and smart.

However first things first Damnationfromafar and everyone in this thread I wanted to apologize for the harm caused by my post The time when and place where I posted wasn't ideal, I could have not posted it or put more thought into it but right now that can't be changed since it's already happened for that again I apologize. I'm human so I make errors, you condemning me for it maybe completely right and understandable, however humans learn on their errors sooner or later, I also learnt from it as it is valuable experience that I shall keep under my belt.


I can't say I relate to your past but It may have shown a bit of your character, however I will share my past with you all.

Okay so let's begin my name's Camillus, since kindergarten I was bullied and called names like chive for being thinner than others but that's not only where I was bullied. I was also bullied for behaving in other way in my countryside by older kids once even getting hit by hard soccer ball (it really hurt), then once I was primary I was isolated from others and regarded as lesser person or as idiot once again I was bullied and name called, in secondary school I was simply isolated however in first two years I was also bullied.

Now that's only bullying part, there's also part where I was hit by my parents with leather belt for being simply disobedient or questioning them.

What's next? Family issues. since my grandpa died 5 years ago, my parents get divorced now you think. it should be fine getting over it, sure try it being 11 years old grieving your grandpa and then you get to know that your parents are divorced, must be nice feeling huh? I felt literally worthless, since back then and now I sometimes think that I was born from mistake, that I didn't mattered and when I need support the most, the walls that I tried to rebuilt were completely destroyed even now I'm trying to recover from this, I had no figure that I could as fatherly, I was confused getting slowly into adult world without any support, you've to keep that smile on your face, only to get tired with acting as if everything is fine.

Last part depression, I think I've it for about two years, it sucks that sometimes I fill empty no matter what I do, it sucks that sometimes I feel devoid of emotions like a robot. it sucks that I don't know who I even am.

I want to keep that episode in the past(I couldn't slept today because I thought about that, yeap I was concerned.)
Anyone reading this no matter what happens, fight until the end, show your effort and try to get out on the top.

I've wanted to post here for a while now, but was both too scared to and just didn't know how to word it. It isn't that bad, I guess.

I wouldn't call myself fat, just a bit chubby, but I've still gotten teased to death about it. In the early years of schooling, I was made fun of because I was taller and bigger than everyone else, but it was light teasing. Around grade four is when people started to get really cruel about it. Like, steal my lunch and make me run for it so I could "get exercise and lose some weight". So I just stopped bringing lunch in general.

Because they couldn't take my food anymore because, well, I didn't have any, they stole my books and junk.

One day, and I do regret this greatly, I bashed a kid because he tried to steal my bag off my back (I loved that bag though, it was a cool ass dragon one okay). The only 'consequence' I suffered was getting put in this program for anger issues at the school. It was great, I learned baking there.

After that event though, I wasn't picked on for the remainder of primary school, though not many people wanted to be my friend either. But then I went to Highschool in grade eight. None of my classmates from primary went to my highschool, and that was fine. I made friends easily, not many people cared about weight at that point. I think. I dunno.

And like, there's been some moments in highschool but they never were that interesting. Like, there was this one guy who called me fatty while I was eating cake on one of my birthdays (my fourteenth?) and my friend slammed him against a pole, that was funny. But that's it I guess.

But yeah, so I can relate to some things man, it sucks looking back on that experience now makes me cringe and wish that those dumb kids didn't have to learn to stop bullying because of violence though.

I couldn't fit this in anywhere but I distinctly remembering my music teacher- she was cool she was Canadian- telling a kid that was calling me names stupid because "[Wake] is literally twice your size why would you want to fight them you would lose" or something along those lines and I dunno I thought it was funny looking back.

Not unlike Abigail_Austin, I was trying to keep myself from posting my own two cents, but... I failed, so here they are.

First, kudos to Abigail_Austin for stopping to think about what several posters in this thread meant and felt when they posted in this forum. I think she made a lot of good points, and I'm generally a firm believer in asking before assuming and I try to uphold that myself. Try being the key word here.

To everyone here who have experienced bullying and hardship due to people being evil: I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. I think a lot of us on RPR have stories that are similar to the topic of bullying, and I hope that you're all able to find strength in your past experiences, and use it constructively in your life now. Unfortunately, we are just humans, and humans really have a certain ability to flat-out suck at times.
A shout out to Novalynn for sharing their story, and sharing their experience with bullying/shaming someone. I think it really takes courage, and it makes me happy that you've recognized that you did something wrong and then tried to do better. I think we could all learn from that.

Regarding obesity, I think it's generally a very sensitive subject, as many subjects about body image are. Like most women(probably even just "people" in general), I'm insecure about my body too, despite not being what the doctors call fat/obese. I also don't think that the whole debate about obesity is black and white, and like Novalynn said - one shouldn't make assumptions about other people. Another poster(I forgot who, I'm sorry!) said something in the lines of "if you don't have anything nice to say, then hold your tongue", and that's another statement I agree with too. If you see something you don't like about another person, keep it to yourself. No one asked.

I want to include my own opinion here, and I apologize in advance if I unintentionally hurt anyone. It's not what I'm trying to do, and feel free to ask if there's something where I'm not making myself clear, or maybe seeming unnecessary harsh. Anything at all.
My own opinion is that I don't think should celebrate any stereotypical body as "the ideal" one. We are all different, and our bodies are different for different reasons. I definitely do think that there is a problem to society becoming bodily heavier, because in many cases there will be complications that follows, which are unhealthy. When I say this, I'm referring only to people who gained weight due to bad habits and lack of exercise. If you're fat/heavy/obese/preferred adjective for any other reason, then this definitely doesn't refer to you in any way.

I've once been called out on offering my two cents on obesity, the argument being "how dare you speak up about this, when you've never been fat?" and while I haven't been obese, I grew up with half of my family being obese, and the other half being the complete opposite body type. See, my dad's side is dangerously obese due to bad habits, and it's likely here my take on obesity comes from. 3/4 of my cousins went to "fat camp"(I'm sorry if this isn't the correct term, we have an oddly specific name for it here, and it doesn't translate) every year, and lost an impressive amount of weight. The problem was, that they always gained it when they came back. My uncle and aunt in family A wouldn't change their kids diets when they came home, serving them very unhealthy food and drinks, and not actively encouraging sports. The result was, unfortunately, that both girls grew up obese like their parents, and I'm certain it wasn't easy for them. That being said, little seems to be actively done in an effort to change it, and my oldest cousin in family A now celebrates "being curvy" for what I think is the wrong reason. The youngest from family A have distanced herself from their diet after moving out, and she has done a stellar job in pursuing a more healthy lifestyle, cutting down on unhealthy habits and generally leading a more healthy lifestyle. She is still a "big girl" and she never will be a size zero, but she looks and seems a lot healthier, and this is what I feel like we should be promoting. A healthy lifestyle, not any specific body type.

As I already stated, I was never a "big girl", but obesity was still a big part of my life. My mom was afraid that I had inherited what she called "the fat gene" from my dad, and that I would be genetically more inclined to gain weight. Since my parents didn't serve my brother and I the most healthy food, her focus became on sports. When I became a teenager, she feared that my metabolism would change and make me gain weight, so even though I was an active dancer and would later go on to compete, she had me go on the treadmill every time I had something unhealthy. Chocolate milk for breakfast? Half an hour on the treadmill. Sugary cereal? Treadmill. Candy on Fridays? You guessed it, treadmill. Needless to say, I feared getting fat.
My cousins from family A bullied me too, because I was so skinny. I was physically pushed around, they wouldn't play with me and they'd make jokes at the table about the amount I ate, which was considerably less than them. Everyone laughed, because it's okay to laugh at people being skinny, right? My brother is very skinny too, so they came for him with that as well. Until the day where he couldn't keep his mouth shut, and called them fat, causing the oldest to lock herself in the bathroom to cry. I don't think he was right to do that at all, I think both parties were wrong to bully the other. But I also think it was wrong for my brother to be the only one reprimanded, because making fun of skinny people was okay.

"But Penholder, being teased for being skinny is still preferable to being teased for being fat!"
No. No, it's not. Because it still teaches you that your body shape is wrong, and it makes you feel bad. And in many cases, being skinny can also lead being unhealthy, so no.

And regardless of body type: No one should have problems with receiving proper medical care, whatever their condition may be. Period.

My point is, that we shouldn't mock each other for our appearances - or anything else for that matter! Don't judge each other by looks, or what people write in here. Don't make assumptions. Don't be a bully. Learn from your mistakes. Try to be better. Think twice.

Another poster in here(once again I forgot who, and I'm sorry!) wrote about their experience with psoriasis, and man... I can relate to that. I've had eczema since I was 14 days old, and it flares up from time to time. Ever since I started dating my current boyfriend, I've had it pretty bad and been on some seriously bad medicine. I was once sent home from my then-job, because they were afraid of what health inspectors would say about the way I looked. I've had the question about whether others might catch it sooo many times, and I've heard a lot of "If you just do this, then it gets better." from both medical professionals and people who doesn't know anything about it. I've had doctors who doesn't take me seriously when I call them to get an urgent appointment, because "eczema can't be urgent", and I've had doctors who doesn't think I know what I talk about. I have to carry around a bag of products everywhere, just in case I feel an urgent need to treat something. I have to travel with my own stash of everything, because I can't be certain that I can buy something that won't cause a reaction. Mostly hygiene products, like pads. Living abroad can suddenly be a real challenge!

Ending this long and rather serious post with a somewhat sad and funny story:
When I lived abroad, I was living with a host family who didn't speak English and my skills in their language was fairly limited too. I was incredibly homesick, and so I cried a lot. They called their oldest son, who lived in France, to have him talk to me to ask what was wrong and have him translate for us. As I got him on the phone, I confessed that I was homesick and as I said the word homesick, I immediately started crying. His mother, who I was living with, yanked the phone out of my hand and started yelling at her son for making me cry. It took him a while to calm her down and have her give me the phone back. He was a nice guy, and he gave me some good advice on living in his home country.
His mom then offered me a tissue to dry my eyes, and I had been using it for quite a while before suddenly realizing that it was scented, and I'm horribly allergic to perfume. I had to hide my eyes with sunglasses the next day, as they were super puffy from crying and having an allergic reaction. On the flip side, I learned how to say "I'm really allergic to perfume." In both Arabic and French.

This took a turn. I hope my input was usable to someone, and I sincerely hope I didn't offend anyone.

Have a lovely day out there!

I feel like an issue I'm seeing here is making a discussion about boobs automatically sexual, when boobs aren't inherently sexual. I talk about boobs often because I have them, they can be uncomfortable, I struggle with clothes, but that doesn't mean I'm talking about them sexually. So to me it's an issue when people (men) only bring up boobs in a sexual context when that's not the reason boobs are being discussed.

As a woman into women, I've also never had issues where my talking to a woman I was interested in sexually turned out awkward and made the woman feel like she was being oversexualized. I find it difficult not to read this as a "boys will be boys" type of thing where we're supposed to feel sorry for socially awkward people who violate other people's personal space and boundaries, instead of insisting that they do better. Social awkardness doesn't mean we get to excuse the kind of behavior discussed in this thread.

A guy who's not that kind of guy will never be upset that those guys are being called out if he's never done that sort of thing. Which leads me to ask, what do they have to be upset about if they're not sexualizing women themselves? Why be upset with us women instead of the men who make us say that?

When you see a "don't drink and drive" ad on tv as a driver, you know that if you don't drink and drive, you're not the target of the ad, even though you're a driver. So why get upset at being called out for drunk driving if you don't drunk drive? Why are men upset that women are finally saying "Enough is enough, men need to stop doing this because it hurts us" if they're not actively participating in this?

Why are they only saying "Not all men are like this" when women are sharing their exasperated stories about abuse, harassment, shaming and sexualization, but these same men don't ever talk about how men are violating women in their own spaces? I see it all the time when women talk about their harassment. "But men get harassed too! Not all men harass!" Sure, but enough do that it's a worldwide problem.

I've never been sexually harassed by women, only men. Too many men. Why can't I call out this behavior and demand that men are mindful of what they say and do when it directly hurts us?

In this situation, impact supersedes intent. It doesn't matter that the statement came from a place of good intentions, it still contributes to an ongoing issue with how women are treated, and the focus of this thread is on women, not men.

This reads an awful lot like victim blaming, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed and upset by this. I'm not giving men any power, they're forcefully trying to take it away from me in many different aspects of my life after raising me to into a system that devalues women and muffles our voices. You're essentially saying "Why do women allow men to harass them?" as if we have a choice in it, as if we're not doing enough, instead of asking "Why do men harass women and how do we help stop it?"

This is actually spot on. Our voices are less powerful than the voices of men, because our society is built by men for men (just the fact that in the US women couldn't vote until the 60's (white women could vote sooner, WOC couldn't though) should be a pretty big indicator that society wasn't built for women). Thus we need men to help us be heard by being silent and not making our issues about them, because that is actually a way to muffle our voices even more.

I'm curious, why is it different when I'm fat because I'm too sick to exercise and too poor to have a healthy diet, but the moment I can move and influence my diet it's unhealthy? I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to say here, but I'd like to understand better.

As a fat person, the reason why it is uncomfortable for non-obese people to give their input is because living it and seeing it are two different things. No matter how much you try, you will never know what it's like to live the life I've lead in terms of obesity. That puts you at a disadvantage. It's like with diabetes, you can read up on it and talk to diabetics all over, but none of your personal life is influenced by diabetes, so you'll never be fully to understand the impact it has on day to day life in the same way I understand it, living with it. That doesn't mean you have no position to talk about obesity, but it's good to acknowledge you don't really get it the same way the people you're talking about do. Not acknowledging this is a huge red flag for us because it often gets followed by "I know better because I'm skinny". That's not what you're doing, but it's a common way for these conversations to progress.

I would like to move away from the idea that we're promoting fatness and discouraging a healthy lifestyle. I don't know your family and I can't make any judgments on why they're fat, but in my experience, at the core of lifestyle influenced obesity there is almost always a very good reason as to why they do that. I wasn't an obese child, but I certainly was raised with ridiculous portion sizes. My parents come from a family of manual laborers who had massive calorie diets to sustain their bodies from the work they did, and that's what they were raised to consider normal. So when they got me and my sister, we were fed portions way beyond what was normal after we hit a certain age.

And genetics do matter here. My sister and I got the same amount of formula and solid foods when we were kids. My pediatric doctor told my mom that I, as a 2 year old, 'needed to go on a diet' cause I was too heavy. When my sister was born and reached that same age, the same doctor told my mom she was in excellent health, the right weight, maybe even a bit too skinny. My mom made it a very strong point that she fed my sister the same amount and type of food as she fed me.

My sister is my height and barely passes 60kgs during good periods. She's underweight, but our diets have never been that different. If anything, her calorie consumption was massive during her teen binge drinking years (I'm talking 3000+ calories easily), and she never really topped 70kgs which is more normal but by no means obese for her height. Yet she was actually chubby looking and had a round face, whereas I'm twice her current weight and look like I'm a lot slimmer than that. My mom was super skinny all her life until she hit menopause, even though she regularly ate 2-3 more plates of the same (amount of) food. Even to this day I can't match her eating habits that well and she's only now starting to pack on some weight after stopping smoking and regaining her sense of taste.

While your family may very well be consuming too many calories for their needs, I would be careful to blame it entirely on their habits alone.

I also want to say that it doesn't matter if you think it's the wrong reason, she's probably doing it because it's the only way she feels like she's worthwhile as a human being. At the end of the day she has to live with her obesity, not you.

As the sister to an underweight sister, I'm sorry you were bullied for being skinny. My sister was too, and it's not okay in any shape or form for the reasons you listed. It's still bodyshaming and awful. What your mother did is also incredibly alarming to read, because that's almost a sure-fire way for girls to develop eating disorders and have an unhealthy relationship with food. That was not okay and shouldn't have happened.

The thing you need to understand is that the way you experience being bullied over being skinny is not the same as the way people get bullied for being fat though. Yeah, they're both centered around shaming a body, but your bodytype is still the default in society. Everything is catered towards it, ranging from how attractive you are to the toilet in your house. You're also not going to experience treating yourself to McDonalds for the first time in 6 months after busting your ass to eat healthily, and a total stranger is negging at you to reconsider 'so you don't get fatter'. You're not going to visit high end clothing stores and be turned away because 'we don't carry your size' with the utmost condescending tone and the giggles and gossip as you leave the store. The challenges are different, and I'd like to think we're focusing on fat-specific issues in this thread.

I just wanted to say I never knew and I'm so sorry.

Thank you to everyone who has been so vulnerable in this thread. I'm following along quietly but I wanted to say: you are heard!

Also, @RimCaster - thank you for saying you were wrong and apologizing. I'm glad you were open to hearing and learning about how your words impact others.

All right, as some you may know, I'm obese. I wasn't always obese, I became fat during middle school for a couple of compounding reasons.

1. I was bullied...a lot. I have a disability and when I was in elementary school, I also had a speech problem that only made the target on my back even bigger. Not surprisingly, the adult knew about my bullying problems big times and often had me visit the counselor. They always said that if I ignored it, they would stop, well little me tried to ignore it the best she could, but they never stopped. Ultimately by the time I was 8 years old, just 8 years old, I was put on antidepressants which I have been on ever since.

So I was bullied for virtually all of elementary school, but then I changed districts so I started with a fresh slate for middle school. So on the first day of school, I decided to be brave and see if I could make friends. In science class, I asked to sit down next to a girl and she said ok. Well I became stressed during the class and tried to calm myself by humming a song that had been taught to me by an older neighbor girl who had been practically my big sister growing up. However this girl I sat down next to starting making fun of me and got her two other friends to do so as well. This girl and her friends ended up bullying me for all of middle school and the first year of high school before moving away. Little Katia didn't make it even one day before she had bullies yet again.

2. Now since I was being bullied and had no friends at school, I was very sad and lonely. So to make myself feel better I took to comfort eating. However that by itself was unknowingly being made worse by reason 3.

3. It also turned out during this time that I had an undiagnosed underactive thyroid which slowed down my metabolism. So as a result of all this, i gained 50 pounds in a single year and even more after that which only added to the bullying issue.

Now all these years later, I am finally making some progress to losing weight. Don't get my wrong, I'm still very much obese, but at one point I was down 41 pounds. Unfortunately holidays happened and I back slid some, but I am still down 35 pounds. Working very hard to relose those pound and then lose more. Though for the most part I have been keeping it off as my weight has been lower each year so far for the last two years.

So yeah, I know all about the fat shaming and bullying. However I never encountered any sexualzation which is a small miracle I guess since I have huge double d boobs.