Of course there are a lot of things on my mind, there always is and there always will be. However, the thought that disturbs me the most is the one that’s present at the moment. So recently one of my friends passed away and I’m going to be honest, I haven’t dealt with it well. Yes, I continue my daily life. I work, I write, I respond the best I can, I sleep, I eat but there’s also this heavy feeling on my chest. It feels like the feeling whenever you are about to break down and cry... This feeling does eventually grow to be strong enough to make me cry and whenever I do cry I still don’t feel relieved....Anyways... I’m going to go into what happened.
On January the 21 this year I was driving to work, taking a shortcut through my neighborhood and I see these cop cars. At first I think nothing of it and continue going to work. The slightest noise of ambulances and fire trucks was heard but I still thought nothing of it. So, eventually I get to work and I start hearing whisper around. I simply shake my head and continue working until someone came up to me and told me that’s someone in my neighborhood is about to die. I, being the normal motionless person that I am, was like; ok.
My day continues and work comes to an end and that’s when I make my way home. I see my mothers car in my driveway and I tell myself that she’s probably here to discuss something or deliver something. Once parked in the garage I go out to see my mother and I see her crying. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?” I asked her. My mother seemed to stay quiet for a moment as I just held her and asking again. Her answer was the last thing I wanted to hear. She told me that my friend had passed away this morning from an unknown cause.
Immediately I knew who this was. It was my best friend who always helped me out in the neighborhood. His face always baring a smile that I will never forget. A laugh that left impact and one that I wish I could hear again. My mind flooding with memories and the image of his face. I pulled away from my mother and was absolutely speechless. My eyes beginning to water and the desire to yell out and run to his house was growing stronger. However, I kept myself together and talked to my mom for a while. Letting her comfort me before returning to my home and just sitting there. On my bed. Just sitting and starring at the wall.
My mind trying to process what had just happened. He was dead. He wasn’t going to be smiling and laughing with me anymore. He was gone... So I sat there and eventually found myself curled up on the floor and crying my eyes out. Everything just hitting me with one impactful swing. I continue to lay there until the sun begins to set. And I kid you not...the sunset was probably the best sunset I’d ever seen. The sunset seeming to last for such a long time as I moved to the window, just watching it. That night I didn’t sleep and I didn’t move from where I sat...
The next day, the 22, I went to work. Did everything that was needed and came back home. Thinking once more of him as I began to wonder how he died. The answer not coming to me until the 24. He had drowned in the tub. At first I began to think about it... In high school he was a star swimmer on the team. How could he have drowned? He was an amazing swimmer and was a logical person. So I did some talking and found out that he had a seizure. Everything connecting for me but yet still seeming like things were missing...
A few days later, today, I went to his visitation. When I first walked in I looked to the TV playing a slideshow of the pictures of him. All of them showing his smile and happiness. Even some showing him when he was just a baby. Seeing those pictures...really turned things around for me. To be able to see his smile again. So, I sat down on the offered seating and just sat there for a few minutes. Watching the screen and ignoring everyone else. It felt as if it were just me in the room. The images eventually getting to me and making me cry. Of course, I didn’t want to cry in public but who cared? There were many others crying so that just makes me one of them.
I eventually stood from my seat and made my way to the casket. There was an actual line for people who wanted to see his body. Me and my impatient self grew patient and waited. My turn coming up as I smiled at the people who greeted me there. However, when I turned away from them and I saw his body I lost it again. Crying at seeing his face a such a sad state. His eyelids white as paper along with his skin. He would be pretty proud of how he cleaned up in a tux though... That thought did make me smile even though I was still crying my eyes out.
Seeing his body in a casket really had my mind running with thought. And you know... when you see someone’s dead body you can see their smile, even though they aren’t smiling. You can even see them breathing, even though they’re not (At least I could). You can even hear their voice even though they aren’t speaking. Hear their laugh, see them riding their bike, see them hitting the baseball, hear their voice when they would call out the calls, see their different color brackets because of the smile that was never wiped from his face... All of those memories flowing in from when we were kids up to now at that one moment.
I probably stayed by the body too long but when I left, I left completely. I got in the car and started crying again, not being able to contain myself. He was such a kind man and life took him away from me. He took him away to a place that I’ll eventually go to but I can’t just go there. If he moved that’d be a different thing but he was dead. He wasn’t breathing and he wasn’t walking. It’s a sad thought to process and I still can’t seem to accept it.
Because of this death I realized that I need to start being kinder to my friends and family. To spend the time with them like it’s the last day I’ll ever see them. And I need to spend every day like it’s my last. Making the best of everything that I can and making myself and others happy. For that one word you say to someone can change their entire life. It can leave an impact that they’ll never forget...
Anyways, sorry for going off. I just was wanting to get if off my mind...
—————————————————
The 28th:
For today I went to his funeral. I’m just going to start off by saying that, that was probably the roughest thing I’ve been through in a while. Every picture shown and every word spoken causing more and more tears to run down my face. It was a bit of a shock that I could cry this much over someone. Yes, I’ve cried over breaking up with someone but that is nothing compared to this. This felt like pure sadness. Knowing in my mind that I will never get to have one last talk to him. I would do anything to just laugh with him one more time... Anything to hear his laugh or see his smile. His pure and happy smile.
My eyes are now swollen and red and not allowing me to see that well. This I’m guessing is a side effect from crying so much. Yes, I have cried myself to this state before but it’s been a while. Anyways, I hope that everything will be better tomorrow because today was rough. However, seeing everyone who cared for him really touched my heart. The entire church was full with people that I knew and some I did not. Including his parents and siblings, which their reactions broke my heart even more. I wanted to comfort them the way no one did to me but I couldn’t. They were standing by the casket and crying, some people already comforting them... That’s when I left and drove home, not being able to stand going to the cemetery afterwards. I truly couldn’t bare it. I’m slightly sad I didn’t go but I knew if I did I would break down even more than I already was.
Death is a very sad experience to have to witness. Being dead is one thing, seeing it is another. Seeing it makes you realize how much the person or animal meant to you. How much of your heart that they actually took up. In this case, I didn’t think I was that attached to him. Just thinking of him as a neighbor and a kind man who I loved dearly. However, when I heard of his death I realized how much I loved him. How much impact he had on my life. How happy he made me and how bright my days were with him. With all of that said; spend every day that you can with your friends and family. One day, they won’t be there anymore and you’ll regret not doing so... Love you all
-AmongstTheStars
On January the 21 this year I was driving to work, taking a shortcut through my neighborhood and I see these cop cars. At first I think nothing of it and continue going to work. The slightest noise of ambulances and fire trucks was heard but I still thought nothing of it. So, eventually I get to work and I start hearing whisper around. I simply shake my head and continue working until someone came up to me and told me that’s someone in my neighborhood is about to die. I, being the normal motionless person that I am, was like; ok.
My day continues and work comes to an end and that’s when I make my way home. I see my mothers car in my driveway and I tell myself that she’s probably here to discuss something or deliver something. Once parked in the garage I go out to see my mother and I see her crying. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?” I asked her. My mother seemed to stay quiet for a moment as I just held her and asking again. Her answer was the last thing I wanted to hear. She told me that my friend had passed away this morning from an unknown cause.
Immediately I knew who this was. It was my best friend who always helped me out in the neighborhood. His face always baring a smile that I will never forget. A laugh that left impact and one that I wish I could hear again. My mind flooding with memories and the image of his face. I pulled away from my mother and was absolutely speechless. My eyes beginning to water and the desire to yell out and run to his house was growing stronger. However, I kept myself together and talked to my mom for a while. Letting her comfort me before returning to my home and just sitting there. On my bed. Just sitting and starring at the wall.
My mind trying to process what had just happened. He was dead. He wasn’t going to be smiling and laughing with me anymore. He was gone... So I sat there and eventually found myself curled up on the floor and crying my eyes out. Everything just hitting me with one impactful swing. I continue to lay there until the sun begins to set. And I kid you not...the sunset was probably the best sunset I’d ever seen. The sunset seeming to last for such a long time as I moved to the window, just watching it. That night I didn’t sleep and I didn’t move from where I sat...
The next day, the 22, I went to work. Did everything that was needed and came back home. Thinking once more of him as I began to wonder how he died. The answer not coming to me until the 24. He had drowned in the tub. At first I began to think about it... In high school he was a star swimmer on the team. How could he have drowned? He was an amazing swimmer and was a logical person. So I did some talking and found out that he had a seizure. Everything connecting for me but yet still seeming like things were missing...
A few days later, today, I went to his visitation. When I first walked in I looked to the TV playing a slideshow of the pictures of him. All of them showing his smile and happiness. Even some showing him when he was just a baby. Seeing those pictures...really turned things around for me. To be able to see his smile again. So, I sat down on the offered seating and just sat there for a few minutes. Watching the screen and ignoring everyone else. It felt as if it were just me in the room. The images eventually getting to me and making me cry. Of course, I didn’t want to cry in public but who cared? There were many others crying so that just makes me one of them.
I eventually stood from my seat and made my way to the casket. There was an actual line for people who wanted to see his body. Me and my impatient self grew patient and waited. My turn coming up as I smiled at the people who greeted me there. However, when I turned away from them and I saw his body I lost it again. Crying at seeing his face a such a sad state. His eyelids white as paper along with his skin. He would be pretty proud of how he cleaned up in a tux though... That thought did make me smile even though I was still crying my eyes out.
Seeing his body in a casket really had my mind running with thought. And you know... when you see someone’s dead body you can see their smile, even though they aren’t smiling. You can even see them breathing, even though they’re not (At least I could). You can even hear their voice even though they aren’t speaking. Hear their laugh, see them riding their bike, see them hitting the baseball, hear their voice when they would call out the calls, see their different color brackets because of the smile that was never wiped from his face... All of those memories flowing in from when we were kids up to now at that one moment.
I probably stayed by the body too long but when I left, I left completely. I got in the car and started crying again, not being able to contain myself. He was such a kind man and life took him away from me. He took him away to a place that I’ll eventually go to but I can’t just go there. If he moved that’d be a different thing but he was dead. He wasn’t breathing and he wasn’t walking. It’s a sad thought to process and I still can’t seem to accept it.
Because of this death I realized that I need to start being kinder to my friends and family. To spend the time with them like it’s the last day I’ll ever see them. And I need to spend every day like it’s my last. Making the best of everything that I can and making myself and others happy. For that one word you say to someone can change their entire life. It can leave an impact that they’ll never forget...
Anyways, sorry for going off. I just was wanting to get if off my mind...
—————————————————
The 28th:
For today I went to his funeral. I’m just going to start off by saying that, that was probably the roughest thing I’ve been through in a while. Every picture shown and every word spoken causing more and more tears to run down my face. It was a bit of a shock that I could cry this much over someone. Yes, I’ve cried over breaking up with someone but that is nothing compared to this. This felt like pure sadness. Knowing in my mind that I will never get to have one last talk to him. I would do anything to just laugh with him one more time... Anything to hear his laugh or see his smile. His pure and happy smile.
My eyes are now swollen and red and not allowing me to see that well. This I’m guessing is a side effect from crying so much. Yes, I have cried myself to this state before but it’s been a while. Anyways, I hope that everything will be better tomorrow because today was rough. However, seeing everyone who cared for him really touched my heart. The entire church was full with people that I knew and some I did not. Including his parents and siblings, which their reactions broke my heart even more. I wanted to comfort them the way no one did to me but I couldn’t. They were standing by the casket and crying, some people already comforting them... That’s when I left and drove home, not being able to stand going to the cemetery afterwards. I truly couldn’t bare it. I’m slightly sad I didn’t go but I knew if I did I would break down even more than I already was.
Death is a very sad experience to have to witness. Being dead is one thing, seeing it is another. Seeing it makes you realize how much the person or animal meant to you. How much of your heart that they actually took up. In this case, I didn’t think I was that attached to him. Just thinking of him as a neighbor and a kind man who I loved dearly. However, when I heard of his death I realized how much I loved him. How much impact he had on my life. How happy he made me and how bright my days were with him. With all of that said; spend every day that you can with your friends and family. One day, they won’t be there anymore and you’ll regret not doing so... Love you all
-AmongstTheStars
Thank you for sharing this. Sounds like he was an amazing person and it also sounds like you are an amazing friend.
First I want to say that I am so sorry for your tragic loss, and second I want to say thank you for sharing your feelings and your experience. It's not easy to open up, most especially when you are grieving. I'm not sure if anyone has said anything, but please know that all these emotions and the back and forth with them... that's totally normal. It's okay to feel happy in a moment, or even a day. It's okay to feel like you're suffering for hours, days, weeks, even months. The process of grieving someone who meant something special to you is never simple.
Please cry when you feel the need. Please know that it is okay to feel weighted down as though you're under a heavy blanket. That pain is real, and you are valid for feeling all of it. You are also valid in those moments where your pain seems to wash away for a little while. It will take a lot f time, but know that every moment of it is fine. You're allowed to feel how you feel about it for however long it takes. If even the smallest thing, that may seem so silly and insignificant reminds you of your friend and you need to cry, you can do that. It's okay.
I grieve with you for your loss, and I know the pain on your heart. It's a hell of a burden, but know that you're not alone. You have absolutely no reason to be sorry for sharing this with anyone. Please don't say sorry for your feelings, your story that you shared, and don't you dare say sorry for grieving. You seem like a really lovely person, and the way you talk about your friend shows that you really did care quite deeply for them. So, I hope you don't question yourself on if you were good to them or not. I'm sure you were fantastic, and you certainly still are by honoring their memory with such words of kindness.
Sometimes life has a really hurtful way of showing us what we need to do for ourselves and even for others. However, if I could make a tiny suggestion. Try and place your happiness first. It is important to care for others who care for you, but remember that you can't care for anyone else properly if you're not properly caring for yourself.
Thank you again for sharing, and I hope that the pain passes with ease for you.
I do hope that what I have said doesn't come off in any kind of negative way.
Please cry when you feel the need. Please know that it is okay to feel weighted down as though you're under a heavy blanket. That pain is real, and you are valid for feeling all of it. You are also valid in those moments where your pain seems to wash away for a little while. It will take a lot f time, but know that every moment of it is fine. You're allowed to feel how you feel about it for however long it takes. If even the smallest thing, that may seem so silly and insignificant reminds you of your friend and you need to cry, you can do that. It's okay.
I grieve with you for your loss, and I know the pain on your heart. It's a hell of a burden, but know that you're not alone. You have absolutely no reason to be sorry for sharing this with anyone. Please don't say sorry for your feelings, your story that you shared, and don't you dare say sorry for grieving. You seem like a really lovely person, and the way you talk about your friend shows that you really did care quite deeply for them. So, I hope you don't question yourself on if you were good to them or not. I'm sure you were fantastic, and you certainly still are by honoring their memory with such words of kindness.
Sometimes life has a really hurtful way of showing us what we need to do for ourselves and even for others. However, if I could make a tiny suggestion. Try and place your happiness first. It is important to care for others who care for you, but remember that you can't care for anyone else properly if you're not properly caring for yourself.
Thank you again for sharing, and I hope that the pain passes with ease for you.I do hope that what I have said doesn't come off in any kind of negative way.
Abigail_Austin wrote:
Thank you for sharing this. Sounds like he was an amazing person and it also sounds like you are an amazing friend.
He was an amazing person... Always kind to others and always baring a smile. Thank you for your comment ❤️
PrettySir wrote:
First I want to say that I am so sorry for your tragic loss, and second I want to say thank you for sharing your feelings and your experience. It's not easy to open up, most especially when you are grieving. I'm not sure if anyone has said anything, but please know that all these emotions and the back and forth with them... that's totally normal. It's okay to feel happy in a moment, or even a day. It's okay to feel like you're suffering for hours, days, weeks, even months. The process of grieving someone who meant something special to you is never simple.
Please cry when you feel the need. Please know that it is okay to feel weighted down as though you're under a heavy blanket. That pain is real, and you are valid for feeling all of it. You are also valid in those moments where your pain seems to wash away for a little while. It will take a lot f time, but know that every moment of it is fine. You're allowed to feel how you feel about it for however long it takes. If even the smallest thing, that may seem so silly and insignificant reminds you of your friend and you need to cry, you can do that. It's okay.
I grieve with you for your loss, and I know the pain on your heart. It's a hell of a burden, but know that you're not alone. You have absolutely no reason to be sorry for sharing this with anyone. Please don't say sorry for your feelings, your story that you shared, and don't you dare say sorry for grieving. You seem like a really lovely person, and the way you talk about your friend shows that you really did care quite deeply for them. So, I hope you don't question yourself on if you were good to them or not. I'm sure you were fantastic, and you certainly still are by honoring their memory with such words of kindness.
Sometimes life has a really hurtful way of showing us what we need to do for ourselves and even for others. However, if I could make a tiny suggestion. Try and place your happiness first. It is important to care for others who care for you, but remember that you can't care for anyone else properly if you're not properly caring for yourself. Thank you again for sharing, and I hope that the pain passes with ease for you.
I do hope that what I have said doesn't come off in any kind of negative way.
Please cry when you feel the need. Please know that it is okay to feel weighted down as though you're under a heavy blanket. That pain is real, and you are valid for feeling all of it. You are also valid in those moments where your pain seems to wash away for a little while. It will take a lot f time, but know that every moment of it is fine. You're allowed to feel how you feel about it for however long it takes. If even the smallest thing, that may seem so silly and insignificant reminds you of your friend and you need to cry, you can do that. It's okay.
I grieve with you for your loss, and I know the pain on your heart. It's a hell of a burden, but know that you're not alone. You have absolutely no reason to be sorry for sharing this with anyone. Please don't say sorry for your feelings, your story that you shared, and don't you dare say sorry for grieving. You seem like a really lovely person, and the way you talk about your friend shows that you really did care quite deeply for them. So, I hope you don't question yourself on if you were good to them or not. I'm sure you were fantastic, and you certainly still are by honoring their memory with such words of kindness.
Sometimes life has a really hurtful way of showing us what we need to do for ourselves and even for others. However, if I could make a tiny suggestion. Try and place your happiness first. It is important to care for others who care for you, but remember that you can't care for anyone else properly if you're not properly caring for yourself.
Thank you again for sharing, and I hope that the pain passes with ease for you.I do hope that what I have said doesn't come off in any kind of negative way.
Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words. Every word meant so much to me.
You are on: Forums » Smalltalk » Just what's on my mind currently...
Moderators: Mina, Keke, Cass, Claine, Sanne, Dragonfire, Ilmarinen, Darth_Angelus