Forums » RP Discussion » How to get over being ghosted?

I’m not angry, only sad.

Someone approached me to RP a while ago. I was flattered this happened and accepted, and proceeded to be impressed by how good they were with writing. Their first post actually made me feel like I needed to pull my socks up to their level, partly I’m competitive but also because I thought I should do my best to retain their attention since they seemed to take a liking to one of my profiles despite how sparse it was in comparison to the players who write so much more for their own characters.

I replied promptly, and we were back-and-forthing over ideas for a while so I can only guess why they haven’t replied in roughly a month since our first posts.

I’m not looking for ways to contact them by the way, I left them a message and I know nothing can change when a user just isn’t available. So how do I get over this!? They had a certain style of writing I never encountered before in roleplay, one that I unexpectedly enjoyed so it’s left a hole I don’t know how to patch over.

There is no way to 'get over' ghosting. It's an awful feeling that many go though. I believe the best (and only) thing we can do is set that PM aside and hope that they reply sometime soon. Maybe try and distract yourself by starting another RP, or going to do a hobby you like for a while. It might help

The only way to patch that hole would be to fill it with another stellar roleplay I know it sucks to not get a reply, but hopefully you'll get one, or an answer, soon enough!

I’ve mentally accepted it, yet I still feel (slightly) sad whenever it pops up in my thoughts. I had the mind to already do the things you’ve advised but I suppose, since they haven’t worked, I’m banking on the feeling fading with time. It’s such a shame though. Now I wonder about other people’s experience with this, they can come in here to grieve with me, lol.

Haha, I get you. I've had a similar experience where my partner suddenly stopped replying to everything sometime early 2016- she was super happy and loved this site and everything, so I do wonder about her safety. She had such a nice style and our roleplay was fun (even if I look back and cringe at my own writing), it does make me sad from time to time. But yeah, while it can be a not so fun process, the only thing you can really do is move on. It's cool that you've been able to accept it, especially so quickly.

Best way i've found? Get a new partner who has the decency and consideration to keep you in the loop, work with you and make it an enjoyable experience for you both.
rp is a partnership and mutual respect is important, as is communication.

I took it pretty personally when I had a load of people ghost on me at once, especially one where I was enjoying it very much and looked forward to a reply but they clearly weren't so keen toward the end. That mismatch hurt, I kept wondering "what if i'd done this different? what if that?" and it sucked.

But i've since started new rps with those characters with someone who IS communicating with me, IS contributing their own stuff a lot more and feels far more engaged and interested. Which is a HUGE relief. I was starting to think there was something wrong with me!

Sometimes two players don't "click" but that's no reason to ghost someone. Ghosting is just excessively rude and inconsiderate and cowardly. Right now? I'm kinda of the attitude that if someone doesn't have the decency to message me to say they're not feeling things, they're probably not the sort of person I want to open myself up to creatively or waste my time on. (harsh maybe? yes, but i'm tired of it.)

But what I found helped really was finding someone who filled that void. Sounds mean but, a replacement. A rebound rp lol.
And i'm having far more fun now.

Now that said, there are people I really thought had given up rping with me in november who suddenly started pming me again so go figure. Husband pointed out that sometimes people might read a reply and think "i'll reply to that later" and forget to mark it unread and then it slips their mind.
In those situations a polite "hey there, are you okay?" message can get things going again or prompt them into just being honest. If it's been a month I think it's reasonable to send a quick "hey, you alright?" message to make sure nothing terrible has happened.

Give people the benefit of the doubt initally before you assume they're just a rude jerk. I find the best method is a polite "hey, you okay? Haven't heard from you in a while" message usually will get you a reply from a person who isn't ignoring you.
Sometimes it gets you a non commital message from someone who IS ghosting you too but if they say "oh yeah, i'll get to a reply soon" and a month passes and they still haven't, they're probably a flake and you're better off moving on.

If you still get no reply either they're dead in a ditch (ok harsh) or they're ignoring you completely. Either way, you ain't getting a reply so after a few more weeks I think you're pretty safe to assume they lost interest and move on.

A lot of this nonsense I suppose has made me a bit harder, a bit more jaded and grumpy and less tolerant and less inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt. Which is a shame. But that's the way it goes I guess.

but I still find it difficult. Especially when it's an rp I was really enjoying and pouring my all into. It's hard not to take it personally when you devote a lot of energy and headspace to something and someone and they don't reciprocate. You start wondering if it's you that's the problem, particularly when multiple people do it to you.
And I suffer from crippling depression and low self worth so when i'm on a downswing? that sort of thing can become MASSIVE and so much harder to handle.
If i'm teetering on the edge of a downswing, having something I was really looking forward to and using as a distraction falling apart can be enough of a push to sink down into that black muck.

It sucks, and I do wish other players were more considerate and thoughtful but some people just aren't.
Even irl people just... aren't.

and it's funny because you'd think with rp that theory of mind (that is, thinking from another person's perspective) would come naturally but apparently not. Apparently empathy is hard.

I do try very hard to consider reasons why people might "ghost", but in most cases? there just isn't a decent excuse. (over christmas it made sense, that time of year is craaaazy but now? in febuary? come on.)

You will get people march in here claiming "they don't OWE you a reply" and "it's not an obligation!" but I feel like that's a pretty damaging attitude.
RP is a partnership and if one partner isn't willing to communicate how can their partner know what's going on?
When you agreed to rp with this person you entered into a committment surely?
and maybe you don't "owe" them, but seeing how much it hurts people to be ghosted, you'd think these people might have the common decency to think "hmm maybe I should give closure rather than leaving people feeling upset"

If your actions are hurting other people, you're wrong. That's the be all and end all of it. If you are causing other people distress you should maybe rethink your actions yeah?

You don't even need to be entirely honest, make up an excuse to spare their feelings if you need to. "this isn't clicking for me, i'm sorry"
just give people closure if it's not working for you. Just walking away is RUDE and do you really want a reputation for being rude and inconsiderate?

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's depressingly common here. More so I find than any other rp place I hang out on and I really wonder why. It's weird.

But you aren't alone and I want you to know that you WILL find a partner who not only fills that void but makes you feel better, happier and even more excited.

good luck and don't lose hope! there's a person out there just waiting for you! lol.

This whole post is a mood lolol.

Anyone can feel free to HMU to RP cuz my inbox is dead

I agree with this person though. So right in so many ways

Hi Sunny!

Thanks for opening up and sharing your feelings with the community. While it might be somewhat easy for you, it's still something that a lot of people struggle with on a day to day basis. Go you!

As for "getting over" being ghosted? I've personally been ghosted quite a few times here on RPR, on Tumblr, AniRP, RPdotme, and a few other websites. I've been writing for a really long time, and ghosting has been a part of the RP world for... as long as I can even remember being involved.(It has been nearly 17 years for me.) It is a sucky and horrible feeling when someone disappears, and I understand the hole type feeling it leaves behind.

Unfortunately, there is no sure fire way to make it better. The best thing to do is to dust yourself and keep moving forward. Think of it like losing a precious item you cherished for a short time but lost along the way. It's unfortunate, but this one item didn't change the entire world view you hold. Try not to let it, anyhow. Sometimes we lose things along the way in life, and it definitely sucks. However, try not to make it a personal battle. If what you say is true, I'm sure that it was probably something on their own end that has them tongue tied, too anxious, or even possibly too depressed to make contact again.

Dust your socks, pull them up, and take the inspiration you felt from this person contacting you and showing you writing that felt amazing. Strive to better your own, push yourself forward, and remember that your time is still valuable. You didn't waste your time with this person, but instead you learned something. You felt inspiration. Keep those parts of it with you, and when you're feeling sad remind yourself that it wasn't your fault. Remind yourself that it's okay if someone can't handle talking, but you know that you did all that you could to make sure you and your writing partner were having a good time.

Again, referencing losing a precious item, remember the good times about it and focus on that when you start to remember it again. Use that inspiration again. It's okay to feel sad, but try not to let it get you so down. It's gonna be okay.

@Purple_monkfish
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me (that must’ve taken you some time to write, wow) (tbh this goes to everyone).
I must’ve sounded more upset in my OP than I really am, it’s not that I have any hard feelings behind this or that I think it might’ve been because of me, sometimes I have a stubborn tendency to wonder if there was absolutely anything I could’ve done to prevent ghosting despite knowing better.

And, thanks PrettySir, I would never think of it like that, that was really insightful. It’s true, I was inspired. I don't think I've ever been so active on RPR because of them, indirectly.

...If I believed in fate I’d suspect it’s reserving a special irony just for me. They, and a second person, have gotten back to me today about the matter. Don’t worry people, I know how to keep it civil :p and I’m not calling them out, I’m just glad for the opportunity to renegotiate things.