Forums » Smalltalk » Season of depression

I wish I knew how to name this topic properly, but it's been impossible for me to think properly for the last three months. The new year has started and things are... Weird. I've actually meant to talk to someone, but it's been a major wall for me to open up and I'm forcing myself to do this. I'm unhappy. I am scared to admit this to myself, but deep inside, I know I'm unhappy. I am so tired of plastering a fake smile on my face in fear of losing my friends, unfortunately, I grew too tired and there are consequences.

I haven't felt this empty in a long time and I am afraid it's affecting the life around me. I feel like I'm losing friends too, I feel like everything is slipping away further and further away from me. I can't open up to my significant other because he's going to take this personally and we've had some rocky times lately and I can't have that stressful discussion. Time spent with family is sparse because of so many responsibilities and what may as well be pre-war situation in my country. My work is starting tomorrow and I don't know how I will get off my bed because I've been sleeping in since I can't sleep at night and I don't feel like leaving the comfortable space. I forced myself to write recently and the most beloved thing doesn't make me happy anymore. Or at the very least content. I am so tired. I am so exhausted and numb. I should fight this off like I always do. But I can't. I can't fight for myself, I can't fight for my friends and it sucks.

Is this depression, exhaustion, just the feeling of unfulfillment or something else, I don't know. Whatever it is, I want it to stop. I wish I had the strength to fight off the void that's consuming me once again. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything, and it hurts me. I wish I cared about what happens, about my future, about myself in general. But I don't.

I guess that this is normal. I know I'm not the only one going through this. We all hit this point in our lives, right? It gets better in time, doesn't it? Because if it doesn't, what would be the point? Life is just a cliff in the mountains where you climb up to the top, take in and enjoy the view. You're either clumsy and fall down, someone pushes you or you jump down yourself willingly, despite the beautiful view and the achievement. I just want to sit on that cliff, breathe in the fresh air and be happy. Or maybe I haven't reached the top yet.

I went ahead of myself. To anyone reading this, if you feel like myself, at least you know that you're not alone. Just don't jump off the cliff. I also hope to meet you at the top, despite all the failures.

When it comes to depression ( which it sounds like you are describing), I'm admittedly not as articulate as I'd like. But then again, who's articulate when they understand that hole of the inability to care, and the weight of it? As you say, Love, I hope you know that you are not alone.

It goes without saying that where you are isn't enviable, it's hard, and it hurts whether the duration is short or long. However, there are a lot of people here for you. I being on of them. If you do get out of bed tomorrow for your new job, know that you will have successfully climbed a mountain. And that means that even when the very life of you feels a though it is meaningless you found the strength to climb a mountain.

That's nothing short of incredible.

And if you don't, know that I am still proud of you. I am and always will be grateful to have you be a part of my life. Thank you for walking it with me.

Thank you Demi for everything, you've always been a good friend

Sweets, although I am a very private person I am writing this as a public reply because you wholeheartedly deserve my love and support, and the world should know it.

All of us have ups and downs, and moments when we feel alone and isolated and depression sets in, but it shall pass. Sometimes it’s normal to feel down, sometimes it’s chemicals out of balance in the brain and sometimes your body and the Universe just try to make you stop and think about what is going on. If life is a mountain we all climb, the path is sometimes steep, narrow and meandering, going up and down. You must have faith in yourself, however, trust that you can follow that path even when it becomes more difficult, because you are a wonderfully creative and lovely person. You are also incredibly resilient and courageous and one I am proud to call my friend.

As one person who is intimately acquainted with depression, for having had some major episodes both as a teen and also later as an adult, you can trust me on this. It will pass and in the meantime you have our support, and our love. Knowing you, you’ll be back to your usual cheerful self in no time, but even if you’re taking your time to get there, that’s also fine. Everything you feel is there for a reason, and makes your soul grow. Life is not just sunlight, sweets, but that doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful in its darkness. Or, rather, “There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.”

Think about what is important to you, most important, and hang on to those things and those values when you feel down. We all build ourselves all our lives and we have more power to shape ourselves and our destiny than we think we have. Above all, I say it again, have faith in yourself. I know I have faith in you. You have the power to meet the world on your own terms and do wonderfully!

Sometimes it’s easier to talk to strangers because there are no expectations, and you feel less of a pressure to be strong or to be fine, and that’s okay and normal too. But just because you don’t feel strong at the moment doesn’t mean you are not strong. We’re here anyway for you, however you feel.

Sends love, hugs, and peaches, and still writing that peach poem for you!

I totally feel for you. I suffer from depression also. I have days when it's hard just to get out of bed. Then put on a smiling face for the world when I actually feel like crying. I recently had a deal with a double betrayal of 2 freindships. You are not alone in your struggle I hope things get better for you.

Thank you Dorian, I can't wait for the peach poem. You're a beautiful soul

If there's anything I've learned, opening up to my friends and loved ones- telling them how I really feel, what I'm going through, if I need space- will not drive them away from me. I don't complain incessantly when I'm in a slump, sure, but I've learned it's okay to tell them I'm down, I don't feel like chatting, I love you but I don't have the energy. My closest friends have stuck with me. Not to sound cliche but, if they don't tolerate you at your lowest, they don't deserve you at your best. This is about you right now.
You should look into melatonin! A friend recently talked me into trying it, I'm the worst night owl. Even if I went to bed at one AM, I couldn't fall asleep until 3-4. Three milligrams had me ready for bed in just twenty minutes at midnight. It gave me the best night's sleep I've ever had, eight solid hours and the day after, I felt completely rested and motivated. They come in inexpensive bottles, too.
My job on a farm ended with the winter season in December. It was the most fulfilling work I've had since my military contract, and when I was told they wouldn't need me until April, I sank into depression. I've never been depressed. I've always been energetic, extroverted, and level-headed. Little did I know, you can be all of these things and still be depressed. I hardly knew what to do with myself for the next several weeks, I hardly even roleplayed, but then I started college and it was like someone switched out old batteries. Everyone needs a purpose. I truly hope your incoming job provides you with that.
We do, and trust me, it does. Hang in there.

Last year was rough for me and it all came to a head in the wintry months. November - December is already when I hit my "lows" but it was the icing on the cake for everything else.
I did this too. I isolated myself, pretended everything was okay, but then I finally had a breakdown and lashed out at the people around me that just wanted to be sure I was managing. I also just didn't want them to worry because they all have their own lives going on but that only made them worry more. I really fell into a pit and slapped the hands that tried to pull me out. I was lucky, someone sat me down and told me to just let it all out. I told everything that was bothering me, from the beginning of it all to the very end. I know it's always what people tell you to do and to a point, you hear it so much you're tired of it being repeated. But they aren't lying when they say how liberating it is.

I will 100% vouch for this. I've had horrible nights sleeping but melatonin knocks me out like a light. (I've made a post about it on here before!) Good recommendation, Libertine.

We're not and you're not, either. I know it's difficult to remember in times like these, but there are people out there that want to see you succeed. From the responses posted here alone, I can tell you're surrounded by genuinely caring friends and loved ones. Just hang in there, girl. You'll pull through it.

I have been tossing back and forth with how I wanted to answer this, but I knew no matter what that I was going to respond.

Queen, you are absolutely powerful. Thank you for sharing this with us, and telling us how you're feeling. It's one of the hardest things to do when you're feeling this way. It hurts so much, because your body is wracked with fear that everything around you is just going to fall apart for daring to express anything but a smile.

I want you to know how much that you are not alone in your feelings. That me, and many others, are not going anywhere because you can't bring yourself to write, to feel, or to enjoy things right now. We're not going to abandon you, most especially the ones of us who know how you feel.

I have battled endlessly with depression for several years. Since teenage, really, but it's only been the last decade that it has truly made a massive dent in my life. I want to try and put my own feelings in to words, so that maybe it can help you relate too and see that you're going to get out of this and that even if the battle is arduous and causing you horrible pain, that you're struggle is not being taken lightly.

The best way that I can describe my own depression is a water well. I am always stuck inside the well. Most of the time I'm floating on the surface of the water. It's right there at my back, I'm looking out at the rest of the world, but I'm not climbing out. It's like I'm just there, but I can feel the rest of everything. I can feel joy, I can feel excitement, happiness, warmth. I can enjoy everything I put my love into, but I still have the water lapping at my back. Just in my periphery.

Other times I'm sinking. I can feel myself under the water, staring at the surface. These are the times when I logically know that there's no reason for me to be under the water. I shouldn't be there. Everything is going great! I can swim, I can really see myself trying to swim to the surface of the water and I'm screaming as loud as I can. I'm fighting harder than ever, and I'm pushing myself through everything and still able to see the light up above me clear enough to enjoy...most things. It's a struggle, and sometimes I fight my way back to my safe space where I float on the surface.

But that's not always the case.

Some days I lose. Some days my fight doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how loud I scream, how much I understand that what I'm feeling isn't how things are and that I am loved. That I love myself. That I'm capable of it. Sometimes I'm dragged so far down to the bottom of this well that I can't see anything but like the tiniest speck of light telling me "It's going to be okay." despite how I can't even feel like I can breathe. I'm suffocating under the weight of this sadness that refuses to let go of me and I become... too tired. I'm so tired. I cry, beg, and plead with my brain to just get rid of these feelings because they don't belong there.

I don't belong under the water.

These days I spend them on the verge of tears and eventually crying. Sobbing myself into a nap, or just crying to Demi for a while. It hurts. These days hurt so much, and I know that you're feeling like you're at the bottom of it all and you can't even imagine how to get up. You can't think, you can't breathe, and you can't love or enjoy anything and everything just feels like it sucks beyond belief.


I just.. want you to know that I'm here. I can relate to the feelings of that deep empty sadness. You don't have to talk about it when you don't want to, and you certainly don't need to force any smiles.

I cannot relate to the pain and fear that you're feeling with your country being in such danger, and I am so worried about you and your family. It's unimaginable, and I hope that you find safety very soon. Please, don't feel obligated to update online if you and your family are in danger. Wait until after when you can state that you're safe. I'm so sorry that you're going through something like this and I wish that there was something we could do to make sure you and your family are safe.

You are still climbing, even when you need to let your body rest and go through that suffering pain. You are a miraculous, strong, and absolutely brilliant woman. You are powerful, you are a QUEEN, mama. You are an absolute queen. I adore you. I'm with you, and there's no need to fake a thing. You are loved, adored, and best of all, you're not alone.
It's going to get better. It's going to have more like this too, but you're a badass Queen taking on the world even when you feel like you're doing nothing.

Just know that while you're struggling like this... You don't need a reason to feel this empty sadness. Logic doesn't go with depression. Depression doesn't follow any rules, but those of its own, and it is a cruel and hard thing to deal with. I am still struggling with accepting the fact that depression doesn't need a reason to be there, because sometimes ... sometimes it's just there to try and win. Like a demon latched on to your shoulder. However, I know that you're stronger than that demon dragging you back down the mountain. You're stronger than the weight of that water. You're stronger than the mountain you're climbing. However, you don't have to always feel strong. You don't always have to smile and pretend it's okay. YOu don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt. It hurts, and it's okay to be hurting. It's okay to feel emptiness and be tired. It's okay to have a day where you just can't do a damn thing. Those days will come, but try and remember... today isn't tomorrow.

Whatever tomorrow is, doesn't matter, what matters is that it isn't today.

Whenever you want more of those cuddle hugs, I'm here for you.

I hope that you start to feel better soon. I know how hard it is to suffer from depression. I know what it feels like to cry in private and just want it to stop hurting, to put a fake smile on my face and just want to sleep all day. I've suffered from it for a good four years, and I know how hard it can be. Just keep fighting through it, and eventually things will start to get better for you, I promise that. Even if I still struggle with it, I know I can still get through it, and you can too. If you ever need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open, you can talk to me if you need it.

Hey. We all get it.

The feeling of drowning, you see the light above your head but as soon as yiur gey your head above the water, and you take one gulp of air.. something pulls you back down.

Or your trapped in a clear box, you see people walk right past you but don’t bother to help you, beinh locked in a clear box...

It’s not easy to be stuck to the ground with no one else able to help because they can’t see your chains.

You can expect people will help you if they can’t see a problem that needs helping. You can’t help yourself till you get real help. Then take your time to tell family and friends.

No point skimming through life and barely living... only you really have the key to chains that weigh you down.

That’s what I’ve learnt over the years...

Feel better soon.

I want to thank everyone for their advice and support, I really did not expect to get any notifications for this thread. It makes it even better when people who don't know you and who you don't know are being supportive. Just reminds me that there are still good people in this world.

Thank you Libertine for your level headed advice, it's something to take to great consideration. My today's job did give me a little push, even though it'll need a whole lot more than to get these engines started. I really appreciate your support.

Peachcakes, I hope everything goes well for you. It was liberating for me to write this thread. I did open up to my significant other and my best friend, well the significant other took it much better, while the best friend, as I feared, is a whole different story and a consequence of my long silence. But everything is going to be fine, I don't doubt it.

PrettySir, both you and Demi are wonderful human beings and I adore you for the unending support and understanding. It has been much easier for me to deal with this mess when I have people who understand how it feels because I know that I'm not alone and it gives me hope.

VocaCoreManUniverse, thank you and we will keep fighting no matter what. And once again, thank you for being so kind

MeanAndEmo, I do agree, no point in skimming through life and barely living. We truly are keys to our freedom from these chains, as you have said. I agree.

Oh man, so side note, I did have a friend point out to me that melatonin can actually worsen symptoms of depression. The "weird sleep patterns depression inspires aren't normal insomnia", definitely a "Ask Your Doctor" on that one!

Just remember to always give yourself credit where it's due. You went to work, you got up and took care of business, you deserve to pat your back. Keep going!

I clicked in thinking this was a post about seasonal affective disorder and how we should face-punch Winter right in the face for being a jerk, but instead you put into words something I’ve been feeling for a while now. I’m sorry you’re going through that and I don’t really have advice, except to say you’re not alone, and yeah, it really sucks. It is heartwarming to see there are so many people here to support you, though! When I tried to open up, I got ridiculed and had it thrown back in my face, so I’m glad you're getting better results.

One thing I will say, is that the good thing about The Void is that it’s great to scream into! Or sing really bad karaoke into. The Void doesn’t judge, The Void just listens quietly. :>

My cat watches and judges.

Damnit, kitty.

I don't know if what I feel now is depression or is that state which will go away after sometime(I feel like that for around 2 years), but I think I understand you, the feeling of emptiness which eats you from inside, the void of emotions which make you feel like robot, the lack of happiness as if you've almost grasped it before someone stole it, it makes you feel helpless like any outcome will be fatal, no matter. The worst thing is you don't know when it strikes, one moment you feel fine but then wave of 'darkness' hits you with full force, you can still laugh and smile acting as if nothing is wrong, that's the worst thing. It's not easily detectable taking time to discover and help deal with it.

After I graduated mid school, I went to the same high as my friend, we had different classes of course, I chose ICT while he chosen other class, now you would think that we would be best friends and all... You're wrong he had befriended his classmates while cutting ties with me, now that's usually you would say, you won't keep contact with most people from you mid school or something, that's what I thought so before I realised that I didn't had any friend in my high, everyone formed their cliches and I felt overwhelmed. sure there were people which were alone but most of them found friends, do you know how crushed I was, I felt as if I was defective person which couldn't socialise with others, sure I later tried to socialise with people without group before I closed myself and ceased attempts.

Now I have only family to support myself but even they hurt me with words(especially my mother)
It was depressing that even your own family member thought of you as a failure or idiot that can't do anything right.

Anyway I hope you will get out of it quickly, that's person building experience.

Please note I am no therapist or doctor, so what you're about to read is mainly what I've heard of and some personal experience.

I do not have any better advice in terms of attitude than already written - talk about it to your family (especially parents or siblings depending on who encouraged you most in the past) if you don't feel like doing so with close friends.

I'd suggest doing sport (it produces dopamine, a hormone linked to motivation, and helps regulate the whole hormone production and body), for example running since it is cheap and doesn't need too much preparation (although it is hard to get motivated and begin running, once you've started you feel better).
When I feel down in the dumps (I know it is not the same as depression but has some common points), I usually listen to music (Vivaldi's four seasons, especially Spring and Summer, part 3 (full name is Violin Concerto n°2 in G Minor, RV 315) , and classical music in general, Cats and Glorious Morning by Waterflame, Hopes and Dreams by Toby Fox for example).

As to if that's normal, I think it happens to everyone in a more or less obvious way. That's life, a series of hills - ups and downs, but in the end always a bit higher. I hope the climbing will get easier soon; it seems you have a good entourage (both in this community and IRL), you should be better soon. Remember your own will is your walking stick, and you can make it to the top with it!

Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery but today a gift. That is why it's called the present. - Master Oogway

John the Warden