Forums » Smalltalk » Trouble with Valentines day (Seeking advice)

Normally I keep everything to myself, but I could really use the advice of anyone willing to help me with this problem.

I have a long distance relationship, I live in america, he is in England. He messages me this morning about spending valentines day gaming and talking.

I tell him that valentines day is not a holiday in my city and is not observed outside of stores having discounts and pink decorations. Which is true, it is just a normal day in my city with no real significance, no one really observes it outside the occasional date.

I kindly told him this, and how that because of this, I had never celebrated valentines day, not even once, and I had very little knowledge on it besides the dating aspect of the day.

But even after telling him this information I still said I would love to spend the day with him...

And he blows me off saying that 'Since it's not a big deal to you and you clearly don't care then why bother?'

I mean, he is right, it is just any other day for me and my community, but even so it is still a day I want to spend with him because I love him.

Telling him that expecting me to remember the date of a holiday I don't even celebrate and then get mad at me for not remembering said date is not fair, but he only repeated that it didn't matter to him and that essentially I didn't care about him...

He has MS and it sometimes messes with his mind, and ever since his last message he simply stopped replying to me. Even told me to spend it with my father (which I can't do as he is working all day on valentines day.) After telling him I couldn't because dad was working and I didn't want to spend time with my dad on that day anyways, he stopped replying.

I honestly don't know where to turn, and I don't know what to do....

How do I get him to understand that he cant expect me to remember a date of a holiday that I have NEVER observed in my life and it isn't fair to get mad at me over it? He is trying to guilt trip me (AGAIN) saying that I felt he didn't matter even though I told him that isn't the truth....Asking me to remember what date valentines day is, is like asking him to know when Ramadan is. (I mean no disrespect in this statement, he isn't a Muslim, so asking him to know the date of a holiday he doesn't observe is the same as doing the same to me.)

I don't know what to do anymore and could use advice.

What do you guys think?

Unfortunately it sounds like you may have inadvertantly offended him.
Ahh men and their fragile egos (jk guys jk)

I would suggest you send him one last message saying that you're sorry if it came across as you blowing him off and that you'd really like to spend the evening with him and do something special, it would mean an awful lot to you.

Be honest but not accusatory, don't mention him blowing you off, don't mention how annoyed you are, just make it clear that yes you WOULD like to spend time with him and make sure he knows it would mean a lot to you so he doesn't assume you're only doing it to appease him.

Maybe even go so far as to find a game you could play together and suggest it/link to it?

I also though, hasten to add that Valentines day isn't really a big deal despite what media might have us assume and if he does sulk all day today, try not to put too much stock in it. You can always have your romantic get together later in the week instead. It doesn't HAVE to be today. There's no special rule that says romance can only exist on the 14th of febuary and there's honestly no shame in spending valentines day alone or doing something else.

I mean my other half is potentially going to work tonight! And i'm fine with this because we don't actually DO valentines.
(though he's just told me Poundland have a mug that says "you'll do" and I want it SO BAD NOW!)

And that's fine because I KNOW he loves me so we don't need some perscribed nonsense telling us HOW we show that.

But, if not tonight, maybe suggest doing something tomorrow (hey friday night is more useful if you work right?) and maybe setting up some facetime, a nice game, a streamed movie with live chat in discord while you watch?

Try to talk to him, one last message and good luck!

Sorry you're sad. I think Valentines honestly puts a lot of pressure on people both in relationships and single which isn't really at all fair.

oh! you could also send him a cheesy as heck valentines ecard! lol

Honestly, I would do something similar to what Monkfish stated.

Send a final message stating that you really would enjoy to spend the entire day with him and that you would really look forward to perhaps for the first time making something special of it just for the two of you. However, you cannot neglect yourself and deny that his behaviour was hurtful. This is something I would be open with to him about. You don't need to be accusatory and state he blew you off, but do indeed say that the way that he has reacted has really hurt your feelings.

For him to tell you that you don't care about him is exceptionally hurtful and something that you cannot let slide by, because it is attacking your feelings about him and slandering them. He is effectively accusing you of not caring, despite the otherwise truth of the matter.

I am sorry you're going through a tough time though, and I hope things get better so that you can enjoy the day regardless of the stationary holiday.

Please do not apologize to him for you being hurt by his behaviour, and if you do feel it necessary to give a "sorry," then perhaps wording it in a way of saying "I am sorry if you feel that what I said was dismissing your feelings, but that is not what I meant by what I had said and I do not appreciate being accused of not caring for you."
It's a stern statement, but it is openly honest. You express that you are not okay with him making those statements, because they are entirely unfair and untrue.

You can tell him that if he wants to spend the day with you, that you will be online at a certain time and if he wants to join you for the day that he is more than welcome to do so if he is willing to talk about what he said to you. You do need to stand up for your feelings, and not let this kind of situation be glossed over and repeat itself.

I do not know how long you and your SO have been together, and I don't know the depth of your relationship, but establishing communication like this in any relationship be it new, young, old, long distance, or face to face. Open and honest communication of ones feelings is the only way to maintain a healthy, happy, and lasting relationship. He needs to know that his accusing you of not caring is hurting you, and he also needs to be told that you weren't intending to dismiss his feelings as though they didn't matter because you've never celebrated the date before, and that it hasn't held a significant meaning to you beforehand.

Thank you all so much for the responses, they are great help.

I did my usual morning text 'Just woke up, I love you' with the kissing face emoji.

I have been informed he is at the hospital getting an MRI scan, his MS got worse overnight and he is in extreme pain.

He didn't acknowledge what went on yesterday, instead, he said 'If I don't make is back home alive, know that I love you, my beautiful girlfriend, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY' with a bunch of purple hearts (purple is his favorite color.) and said if I am free and if he is still alive, he would love to spend the day with me.

I was going to tell him that I never intended to offend him, and that despite what I do over here in america, I know it might be different where he lives, and I was going to tell him that I was sorry for making him feel like he wasn't important. But at the last message I simply told him that I love him, to hang in there, and everything will be ok.

I will talk to him on video chat on discord later and address things, I find things easier to speak of than type.

But still, the fact remains you guys, on here, still helped me, and I am VERY greatful.

Thank you for being here in my time of confusion and need.

♥♥♥Happy Valentines Day to you all!♥♥♥

Oh that's good to hear, but also sad that he's in pain. That actually could very well be why he reacted badly yesterday. pain makes you really intollerant and emotionally vulnerable and makes you take things entirely the wrong way.
Chronic pain is awful like that, it's not just physical but emotional as well.

however, it must not become an excuse.

Sounds like you have a good plan, have a lovely night and I really hope he's okay.

I am glad that it has been helpful!

While what Monkfish said is very true, pain can most certainly make us do and say things that we don't mean, but it should definitely still be addressed. You hang in there too! Stay strong, because I KNOW how hard it is being in a long distance relationship with someone who has a medical condition that you can do nothing serious for and how hard it is when things get bad and you're thousands of miles away. I have been where you are and it is painfully difficult.
Sometimes it can make the entire world feel weighted on your shoulders and be crushing enough that you can't work or get out of bed.

Stay strong. It's a hard relationship archtype, but it will be worth it in the end.

Just remember, even though he was in pain, he still needs to be made aware of what he said being hurtful and that it is not okay. Your feelings still matter in those moments, and if he can recognize when he is being hurtful it can make those moments less so when he apologizes later and works on changing the behaviour for the future for both of your sakes. His love to you should mean that he doesn't like saying things that hurt your feelings.

Your description of Valentines Day is pretty much how it is in England so, no, it’s not a cultural misunderstanding. This sounds like he places greater personal importance on today than you do, and interpreted your explanation about why you don’t celebrate it into something to be offended by.