Forums » RP Discussion » Character Critiques (Paused, college sucks)

I noticed the other topic of this variety has been bursting with so many requests that I don't think the OP can keep up. With that in mind, I decided that maybe I could bear some of that burden. I need something to distract me anyway.

Just some quick rules:
One character per person, for now.
Please post as or link me directly to the character.
Original characters only. I'm not familiar with canon stuff.
I won't give critiques on art or the template, just the character.
Share your critiques! I don't have to be the only "judge".

That's all!

Edit: I'm going to change up my approach! After rereading my posts, I realized that I left out a lot of my actual critiques because I wrote and wrote and wrote without a format in mind. Sorry to anyone who was bombarded with questions as a result.

Here's what you can expect me to focus on from now on:

• Pros & cons of the character concept(s) such as their role and background.
  
• What I feel is missing from the profile in terms of what RP partners might want to know.
  
• My thoughts on how well the information is organized, how easy it is to read, etc.
  
• Then, of course, questions! Questions about anything and everything!

The goal of my questions is to help you come up with new ideas and potentially elaborate on the ideas you already have. Since they don't contribute much in the way of constructive criticism, I'll be listing them last so that they don't dominate the posts anymore!

Hey! I’m still the writer’s work-in-progress as I began life as an NPC.

If you accept anonymous characters, I would love to hear what you think about Nikita here.

I'd appreciate constructive criticism for this dork! Thank you for offering!

You did a great job of describing this dude's appearance, I feel like I have a good idea of what he looks like and how he carries himself because of how quickly you laid down the theme of this character. Rock and roll, tall and lanky, and the late sixties look all fit together so nicely. I knew some guys almost exactly like this in high school!

I thought it was interesting that his older sister also had an interest in music and encouraged him to play. Was she the one who sparked his interest, or did he already have a love for music? What were his mother's thoughts on this, did she encourage her kids to pursue music? What about his current relationships, like his relationship with Bree and his bandmates? Is he close friends with the other members of the band? Do they have any conflicting interests? What are their long-term goals?

Also, it sounds like he was raised by a single mom, so that leads me to wonder whether or not money was scarce for them. If it was, how'd he get his hands on his instruments? Did he save up and buy them himself? Oh, and the hurdy gurdy is a super cool but unusual choice of instrument. That paired with his interest in story telling leads me to picture him almost like a bard. Maybe you could play with that idea, if that isn't already something you're going for.

The only parts of his profile that I think are a bit lacking are his personality and his other passions besides music. I think the traits and interests you chose for him are fine, but it's definitely worth expanding on those topics! For example, is he any good at drawing? As far as girls go, is he a serial romantic or more of a hopeless romantic? What does that say about his relationship with Bree?

I think answering those questions could add a lot of dynamic to his character. You don't have to add them to his profile, they're just questions that popped into my head that I think could help you come up with ideas. Honestly, the amount of information you have is plenty! It reveals just the "surface" details that someone might learn about him by attending his school or seeing him perform, but it doesn't reveal everything so there's still a lot to discover.

Right off the bat I have an odd question, can she control her healing factor at will? I found myself asking this because she has no scars, but she does have things like piercings and tattoos which could be considered wounds. I'm a fan of technical details when it comes to magical abilities, so I'd love to know if there are any exceptions to what she can heal, if healing is a choice for her, and if there are any quirks to her other abilities like omnilinguism.

I like that her past occupations seem to share the theme of helping people. Midwifery is such a fascination occupation, it's something I considered myself, so I'm curious to know why she isn't a midwife anymore. Is she unemployed by choice? She must have had to go through a lot of schooling to become a midwife, so is there anything you can expand on as far as her background in education? She's been living for so long that she could have attended dozens of schools by now. With that in mind, her education and potential knowledge is super interesting to me and I'd love to know more. Oh, and what about her economic status?

This isn't a question you have to answer in the profile, (in fact it's probably better if you don't) but why doesn't she like white foods? That caught me so off guard, I immediately wanted to know the full story behind it! In my opinion, including something odd that you don't fully explain is a great way to get someone interested in a character. You almost have to interact with them to learn more.

What can you say about her personality and her hobbies? I don't feel like I learned much about what she's like as a person and what she does in her day to day life. Her past is a complete mystery (and I understand why) but it leaves a lot to be desired. I personally feel like little qualities such as her dislike for kiwi fruit should take the backseat to bigger, more important aspects of her personality that dictate how she acts in day to day life. She likes helping people, she's interested in soulmates, and she's a guardian angel. Say more about that, I'm really curious!

Does she hide the fact that she's a guardian angel because she has to, or is it a choice? What does it mean to be a guardian angel? Does she like to help people because of what she is, or is it possible for there to be guardian angels who don't like people? Is it possible for an angel to be a bad person? By the way, I understand that fantasy characters like this often have to be vague in order to fit into different settings/roleplays, so please don't feel like I'm insisting that you make blanket statements about the role of magic in her world. As always, these are just some questions to consider.

Overall I think she's a wonderfully mysterious character. I like that she doesn't follow angel stereotypes to a T and has some more alternative qualities, like her love for tattoos and how she'll sometimes dye her hair. It makes her feel like a real person who belongs in this world, so you'd never guess she's an angel (beyond appearance).

Duck! What a cute nickname!

Let me just say, I'm in love with the storybook, fairytale quality of her backstory. It's very well written and teaches the reader a lot about the world without making in your face statements like "there are spirits!" or anything of that sort. Plus, I love that this dorky girl got wrapped up in this spirit's drama instead of a more typical hero. His hosts are a means to an end, but could he possibly be using her for? Good grades? That question alone piques my interest in her story and how being possessed has influenced her. I think that sets her up perfectly for roleplay!

She is definitely a stereotypical nerd/dork type. Big round glasses, braids, good grades, the whole 9 yards, but I think it works because there's clearly more to her than that. However, I want to know a little more about her beyond her association with nature. Does she have family? What's her relationship with them like? Does she have any qualities that don't fit into the stereotype? What does she think of people, does she make friends easily? Does she want friends, or is she more goal/career oriented? Has she always been a nerd? Has she always been interested in nature, or was that the result of her possession? What are her hobbies?

She strikes me as a very positive person despite everything. I'm curious to know how comfortable she is in her skin. The bit in her backstory about freckles and big teeth leads me to believe that she was teased for those things. Was she teased a lot? Is she still teased a lot? If so, how does she handle it, and how has it affected her? What should people know about her possession? Does it come with certain powers, knowledge, or traits? Does she try to hide it? What did it change about her life?

I take it she's still in school, so I'm left wondering what it must have been like for her to move forward after not only discovering a spirit, but being possessed by one. Did she just go about her business as usual? If so, why? If not, did she try to learn more about spirits? What does she know about this particular spirit? What role does he play, can he speak? Can he take control of her? Also, these last two questions are about the pictures, but more for clarity's sake: Can she turn into a deer and does she actually have antlers?

Sorry to bombard you with questions! There's obviously a lot that I want to know about her, but that's far from a bad thing. Her profile is put together wonderfully, I think you did a great job writing and organizing the information in a way that pulls people in. As I said with Nikita, it's completely understandable if some things about her possession are intentionally vague for the sake of fitting her into different settings. I don't think you really need to say more about the fantasy aspects of her character beyond clarifying a few things (like whether or not she can turn into a deer). I already mentioned that I'd like to know more about her past and personality if at all possible, but that's about it!

These are actually very interesting questions and honestly I haven't even put thought into a few of them though I am happy to answer off the top of my head.



Good questions, I'm happy you asked them as it made me think some more. I'm really glad that you took the time to look through her and hand me some feedback. Thank you, I loved it!

ayyyye be gentle but also don’t be kay?

This is the character I am most proud of and I would love to hear what you have to say, so I can improve on him ^^

(The actual profile is on the third page, the first is the OOC page that I am working on at the moment while the second, fourth and fifth page is more towards his backstory.)

Note: It contains some sensitive topics such as a bad family life, and there will be some brief mention of violence on the fourth page and a description of a funeral ceremony on the fifth page, as well as a bit of language-just a bit. If you don’t think you can read that, then it is perfectly alright ^^

Wow, quite the in-depth study there! I'll think I'll get off the couch now! Hopefully my writer will take some of this to heart and flesh me out some. As for Bree, we just kind of got together so that book is not yet written. Thanks much Bunny!

I've been wanting a nice friendly (but honest) critique of this character for a while now, i would really appreciate giving her a little look! I want Jinx to be my star, the golden child, and anything i can do to improve her appeal will be one step closer to that dream Some parts of the profile are a work in progress

Well, I can't say I was expecting this. First, let's talk about work! It makes sense that money is tight. Her daytime occupation (teaching ballet to underprivileged kids) is a rather unusual but selfless line of work and it makes perfect sense for her personality. However, her other occupations hold a striking contrast to her personality. She doesn't sound like the kind of girl who'd strip for a living, much less become a dominatrix. I think that dynamic is definitely worth exploring and elaborating on. She is disciplined, gentle, and seemingly compassionate, so why did she take on the role of a dominatrix? Could it be because of her appearance? Perhaps her occupations are so bodily oriented because she's proud of her body, or perhaps the reason is darker than that. I think it would be helpful to share more about her understanding of her own sexuality and her overall relationship with it. I especially want to know whether or not this was a healthy choice for her.

I enjoyed the exposition you gave in your writing sample. It was nice to learn a little bit about her relationship with the alpha. I wasn't sure whether or not she was forced into that job or if they'd be friendly with each other, since sometimes people find themselves working for people they hate. I did find myself wondering whether or not she's a werewolf/vampire hybrid by choice, and of course, I wondered how the heck that even happened! It's an unusual mix and although you touch on the vampire portion quite a bit, we don't get to learn much about the werewolf portion. Oh, and I thought the way you introduced telepathy was very nice. I would have been pretty confused if you threw telepathy into her profile any other way. It seems like an odd power for werewolves/vampires but giving it specifically to the alpha makes sense. It makes me wonder how alphas are "made" or chosen. Is it genetic? If it's not genetic, how do they get that role? Can other people have telepathy too or just alphas? What's her role?

Something else I'm curious about is how she ended up working for the alpha. When you say she "strips at some classy joint ran by an Alpha" does that imply he isn't necessarily her alpha? Is she part of a pack? If they are in a pack, are all of the strippers and employees part of the pack? How important are their roles? I noticed she's friends with an omega who is practically homeless after leaving his pack, and that made me wonder if werewolves rely heavily on their pack (and their alpha) for survival. What does that mean for werewolves who don't have or want a pack? Are packs family members? These questions are less about the character and more about the concept of werewolves and vampires in this particular setting, so you don't have to put them in her profile by any means. I just think it's important to know the answers to these questions if you end up RPing with someone who isn't familiar with this concept.

As always, I want to know more about her hobbies, interests, and aspirations. Where is she going in life? Does she have much time to herself between all of her jobs? Does she enjoy work? What about her family? How does she feel about love/romance? Does she have any other "bad" qualities or quirks? I noticed her behavior in the writing sample wasn't quite what I expected based on her personality. She strikes me as confident, dark, playful, and far more matter-of-fact and "badass" than I would have guessed. Also, I'm not sure I understand all of her traits. When you say she's affirming, deliberate, and consistent, what do you mean? Could you possibly provide examples or elaborate more on some of her less obvious traits? I imagine most people understand what a selfless and hard working person is like, but some people (like me) have difficulty imagining what it means when someone is affirming. Aside from that, I think you did a great job laying out all of the most important information without revealing too much about her. The aesthetic link was an unexpected but quite nice touch, it definitely helps me imagine the sort of person she is, how she carries herself, and the kinds of things she surrounds herself with!

Wow, what a setup! I love the way you chose to introduce this character, his family, and his past in a way that touches on the most important details while at the same time, keeping the reader at a distance. We don't get to learn how or why his family is in debt, why his mother died, or where his father is at the end, but we get to see his thought process. I appreciate all of his reactions and how it introduces various aspects of his personality. We get to see where his pessimism and aggression likely stem from, as well as some examples of his behavior in action which I think is a great way to give people an idea of how his personality plays out.

So, something I noticed was that you listed him as anywhere between 15-30ish in age, but it's clear his mother's funeral happens when he's about 16. I take it you want to be able to vary his age for different RPs, which is totally understandable but it complicates some things. A lot of the things I'd normally want to know such as his aspirations, hobbies, and financial situation probably depend a lot on the age you're playing him as. Do you have a linear path in mind, such as everything he did up until the age of 30? Or do you intend to go with the flow and adapt him to different RPs? What about when you play him at an age before his mother's death? I imagine you'll address that on the OOC page when you get around to it, but if you haven't considered it already, definitely think about how you're going to approach playing him at different ages. People change a lot from 15-30!

Regardless of his age, I have a ton of questions! How does he feel about music? He seems to like playing the flute, but he doesn't like practicing which is so relatable and makes me wonder how he views music. Does he take it seriously, or is it just a hobby? Was he pressured into playing music or was it a choice? What about photography? His family was in debt for a large portion of his life, so how'd he get his flute and camera? Does he have a good camera? How does he feel about foreigners? How important is culture to him? Is he spiritual? It's implied that his relatives weren't around much when his family was struggling, was there ever a point when they were close? Is he the youngest in his family, or are there other kids his age? How does he feel about love, romance, and the possibility of having a family? What about marriage?

As far as being sentimental goes, are there certain things he clings to like photographs or toys from his childhood? Is there a certain time that he's especially sentimental about? Are there exceptions, like things he doesn't want to remember? What kind of games does he play? Is gaming a healthy or a destructive hobby of his? I feel like his ethnicity is a great set up for a lot of interesting interactions with other characters, since you can have characters from all over the world. So, has he ever been out of the country or traveled much at all? Can he speak English or any other language? Does he want to or ever have a reason to leave Japan? There's a lot of stigma and stereotyping around Japan, what's his opinion of those things?

(This guy? He still needs a lot of fleshing out IMO)

I shall try again! What do you think of Gravedigger here?

Ooh, it's tough to pick just one to ask for, but I think I'm gonna have to go with Kai. I really want to RP with her, but I just don't feel like she's ready for it yet, so I could use some critique to see what areas need shoring up the most. I'm worried that she's overpowered, though I did try to give most of her vampiric powers a corresponding weakness. A warning for her profile, as there's a stalker and some parental neglect mentioned briefly in her history.

Hey there! Mind taking a look at Calliope?

Pros & cons:
So, I feel like I should address her cons right away because what you have here is a very difficult character to play. She is overwhelmingly positive and charismatic to a point where I think it would be hard for you, a normal person, to play her exactly as intended. Of course I don't know you well enough to say much about your capacity to play a character like this, but my concern stems from "absolute" statements like:

• She can get along with pretty much everyone.
• She's observant and due to her curiosity, never misses a detail.
• She never hesitates to step out of her comfort zone.
• She can easily steer the conversation in the direction she desires.
• She's sure to leave a warm impression on someone.
• Jinx brings energy and enthusiasm to any cause that sparks her interest, and finds others often looking to her for guidance.

These are perfectly fine personality traits and I see what you're going for! The problem comes from how these statements are worded, and the message they send to anyone who might not agree with those statements. Using the word "never" implies that there will never be a situation where she'll miss a detail or choose not to step out of her comfort zone. I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but it's something to look out for. The other issue with the wording is how much it tells you but how little it tries to convince you. I'd rather know how she steers conversations than be told that she just can, because there are a lot of ways to approach that trait. Based on how energetic she is and how much she likes to express herself, I can't help but imagine she does this by talking about whatever is on her mind to an almost pushy degree. That could annoy some characters and conflict with the idea that this is suppose to be one of her strengths. Unfortunately, "show, don't tell" is such a pain in the ass when it comes to personality. So, here are my suggestions:

• Instead of "She's observant and due to her curiosity, never misses a detail." just leave it at "she's curious and observant". Don't add the "degree" to which she is observant, because it's easier to express your intended "degree" through RP and phrasing it this way isn't as confusing or absolute.
  
• Instead of "She can get along with pretty much everyone" try to write it more like "she tries to" or "she often gets along with x-type of person" because otherwise, it doesn't tell us much about her. If you tell us who she can get along with, why, and/or that she tries to get along with everyone because x, y, and z, that is far more valuable information!
  
• Instead of stating that people like her, open up to her easily, or that people feel a certain way about her, let the readers come to their own conclusions. Let them decide whether or not they'd go to her for help, or if they'd enjoy her enthusiasm and positivity. This saves you from having to meet everyone's standards and makes Jinx more realistic, easier to imagine, and less "perfect".

On to her pros! Jinx's purpose, aspirations, and overall theme is very clear and obvious. It's easy to understand what her role is, she gives off the right vibe almost immediately, and most importantly, her powers don't feel out of place. I'll admit, when I read that she's associated with an "eldritch being" I was caught off guard, but I didn't find myself thinking "nuh uh!" because I could absolutely see someone like her attracting the attention of a powerful being such as that. I could also get a pretty good idea of how she approaches major conflicts based on smaller details such as her inventory and the fact that she's neutral good instead of lawful good. Her abilities are unique and quite powerful, but not overpowered (which I often expect from anything time/space bending). I find the thought of her visiting a medieval dimension quite amusing, since she doesn't strike me as someone who'd fit in with all of those drab, earthy colors and drab, earthy people.

You clearly spent a lot of time working on Jinx. Her profile is thorough and she's a dynamic character with a lot to work with. I don't see very many limitations on her that would make her hard to roleplay with. There's no shortage of possible interactions. She won't run into the problem of having no way to start conversations or approach new characters because even if she suddenly became antisocial or reserved, that would be so unusual for her that someone is bound to notice and try to figure out what's going on. That's a great quality to have for RP!


What's missing:
Not much, to be honest. In fact, there's a ton of information in this profile. It might be overwhelming for some people, but I appreciate having lots of extra bits and bobs to read and I especially appreciate that reading them isn't required. She doesn't have a past but I don't feel like she needs one, it makes sense for a time-traveler's past to be a mystery. I just hope you have a story in mind for her meeting with the eldritch being.

Organization:
Consider mentioning her powers sooner rather than later. The end of the first page is quite surprising, and I think you should clarify that this character is built for fantasy RP long before someone has to get involved in reading a lot about the character. Otherwise, people who aren't looking for fantasy RP will be disappointed.

The section about her abilities is well written, but consists of huge chunks of information that I feel could be broken down into smaller portions without losing any information or detail. I'd recommend breaking her powers down by:

• Capabilities: Everything she can do with the power. How far she can teleport, where she can teleport, etc.
  
• Limitations: Things she can't do like teleporting when wet or when submerged in water. I see that you already have some of these sprinkled in, they're just a bit hard to find.
  
• Drawbacks: I like that you separated the drawback sections by what happens when there's "too much" and what happens when there's "too little". Definitely stick with that!
  
• Technicalities: I'd save the explanation of the charge mechanic for last. I think it distracts from the powers themselves and makes it harder to find perks that are specific to those powers.

Finally, don't be afraid to use bullet points or lists! Since powers are often very technical, the goal is to help the reader understand how they work and what they can do. Prose need not apply. I wouldn't dare to ask you to rewrite that section because I'm sure it took a lot of effort, so perhaps you could have a basic overview and your original, detailed explanation for each power.

Questions:

• Since she can pretty much time travel and hop between dimensions, would you say she's knowledgeable about space, time, and history?
• How would she prepare for a visit to a point in history where she'd be subject to a lot of judgement for her appearance and sex/gender?
• How does she handle the harsh realities of other time periods?
• Does she make any efforts to hide her powers/capabilities?
• Is she sensitive about all of her scars, or just the ones that are hidden? How does she respond to comments on them?
• How does she handle good and/or important people who don't like her?
• How does she handle people that she does not like?
• How long has she been running around with weapons and bulletproof gear? When and why did she decide these were necessary?
• When is violence the answer, in her eyes? What does it take to get to that point?

Oh mind look at this team? if it's against rules I will put other character, if it's fine would you mind if I worked little on their back stories.