Forums » RP Discussion » Character Sheet Advice & Critique - Closed for now

01. New system! I tend to write a crap-ton about stuff that might not even be important to you, so to fix that I'm going to put stuff in collapsible tags, so that you can click on the ones that you care about! This is a nifty feature - I should be exploiting it more!

02. Going to be closed for now! Gotta review every character on here first before accepting new ones! Stay tuned!

One section of her description drew my attention - you wrote that Liliath experiences emotion very strongly. Why? Is it a subconscious decision made by Liliath in a plea for parental affection? Do her strong emotions come from her home life, and she hasn't yet learnt to bottle them up? Did she learn her behavior from her parents? When you're answering this question, don't answer it outright. Be subtle. Maybe scatter hints around.

In her History page, you said that Liliath "didn't really have a good relationship with [her foster parents]". Did they hurt her? Was she just not able to form a connection with them after her Granny's death? This is a bit vague, so maybe add a little something more on the end saying why. If you don't want to reveal it outright, you can say that you want to reveal the reason in a roleplay!

I was reading Liliath's journal, and happened across Bella's birth. Would Liliath be the sort to be jealous of Bella, and would she take being an older sibling well? Would she want to share her teddy bear with her?

Some questions to answer (even if you don't put the answers in Liliath's bio, best to know the answers) What's the one thing that scares Liliath the most, and why? What are her values - how much of her granny's personality did she absorb, and how much of her parents' personality? Which of them has had the bigger impact on her? How does she respond to her parents being horrible people, and what's her dream?

First paragraph of her History- "Liliath was born in Germany Berlin, her parents never wanted kids. So she was either an accident or a wonder. Her parents were junkies and alcoholics who were not able to raise a child. Liliath lived 2 years with these people ,they left her traumatized."

Change that to "Liliath was born in Berlin, Germany. Her parents never wanted kids, so she was either an accident or a wonder (maybe get rid of the "wonder" bit - it comes across like Liliath's parents got Liliath from a stork or something like that). Her parents were junkies and alcoholics were were not fit to raise a child. Liliath lived two years with these people, and they left her traumatized."


Second paragraph! "Police figured out her parents were selling drugs, while having a kid, so they were sent to jail because of that. Liliath was then sent to live with her grandma Gertrude , she spent happy days there and had just a happy life."

Change that to "The police figured out her parents were selling drugs (I think that the fact that they were selling drugs would be enough to get them in jail. It's true, Liliath being their child would have lengthened the sentence, for sure.), and sent them to jail. Liliath was sent to live with her grandmother, Gertrude. She spent many happy days there and had a happy life."


Third: "Three years later, her grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and died 2 years later because of it. Liliath developed a fear for hospitals since then and is scared for people who are sick, so you will never see her around sick people. Liliath was then sent to foster parents , who take care of her , but she didn’t really have a good relationship with them".

Change this paragraph to "However, three years later, her grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and died 2 years later because of it. Liliath developed a fear of hospitals since then and is scared of people who are sick, so you will never see her around sick people. Liliath was then sent to some foster parents, who took care of her, but she didn’t really have a good relationship with them."


The fourth paragraph - "Liliath's parents got out of jail when she was 8 , they visited their daughter to take her with them to America . In America they continued abusing her , bullying her and misusing her."

Change that to "Liliath's parents got out of jail when she was eight, and they took her to America with them. In America, they continued Abusing her, bullying her and mis(treating?) her.".


Last paragraph - "Liliath is not really social , she went to school for some years but when her parents took her to America it all stopped and they just keeled her home so Liliath wasn’t able to make friends and was very alone and her social skills turned really bad because of that."

Change that to "Liliath is not really social - she went to school for a few years but when her parents took her to America, they (kept?) her home so Liliath wasn’t able to make friends. She was very much alone at home, and her social skills became really bad because of that."


Alright, onto her second page!

I don't think her Country section is really necessary. It's in her likes and dislikes section, and I feel it's out of place. Unless you're going to make a completely different section below her likes and dislikes, a section about Liliath's identity, it shouldn't be there, I think.

If you want to keep it, I think you should rename it to "Place of Origin", because "Country" is too vague.


Okay, her description! "Liliath is a hyper girl who often plays outside , her hair is usually a mess because she forgets to brush it. But when it’s brushed it looks like nice long a little bit curly brown hair.". Here's my correction - (remember, you can tweak this and add to this as you see fit! You don't have to do everything I say!) - "Liliath is a hyper girl who often plays outside. Her hair is usually a mess because she forgets to brush it, but when it's brushed, it's long, brown, and a little curly (do you mean wavy?), instead of (insert description of her messy hair)."

Your words: "She usually wears blue dresses because blue is her favorite color , she also has a blue dream catcher necklace that her granny got her.". Maybe change that to "Blue is Liliath's favorite color - she usually wears blue dresses, and wears/has a blue dream-catcher necklace that her granny got her.".


Last paragraph! "She is a girl who’s emotions are really strong , when she is happy she will sing jump and dance , but when she is angry she will scream curse be violent and cry. She can be a little rude sometimes , she doesn’t mean to be rude but she just says what’s on her mind even if it’s rude or not.". My edit: "She is a girl with strong emotions - when she is happy she will sing, jump, and dance. When she is angry she will scream, curse, be violent, and cry. Liliath can be a little rude sometimes but she isn’t deliberately rude - she just says whatever's on her mind, rude or not."

Freyja's alignment - is she neutral good, true neutral, chaotic neutral? (Is she a mixture of some and some? If you want to, maybe add linking hint to backstory - why is she the way she is?)

For her personality, you wrote "almost unpredictable". Is it a conditional thing, I mean, did she learn to do that because unpredictability was beneficial to her line of work and her survival? Is she the way she is because she likes confusing people?

It's best to clarify what an Eidolon is, especially if you mentioned them early on in the Nicknames section. A simple in-a-nutshell definition on the end of the very first mention could clear up the confusion around that, and make readers even more curious to read on.

You never tell readers what an Eidolon is. Maybe think about adding a little section just for Odin, like a little character sheet, and then writing something relating to Eidolons. (Eidolon? Eidoloni? (ﾟヘﾟ) )

The first thing I noticed when I entered her page was that you'd laid out her introduction so that the headings were distinguishable from the information itself, by way of the bold-text tool. That's good! However, when I went to her History page, I had to squint my eyes to read the small italicized writing.

There are a few things you could do - one, you could change the theme to a variation of the same theme, but with a different color.

You could make the font bigger, or change the color of it so that it's more visible against the purple of the background (but the text headings will remain black, so don't do this if you don't like the sound of that).

The best method in my opinion is un-italicizing everything. And while the page looks good in italics, there's a reason that italics are only used to emphasize certain words and phrases in books. We naturally learn to emphasize our mind-voice when reading in italics, and trying to read italics normally just feels.... wrong. Add that to the fact that this is a page of paragraphs written thin, loopy, black lettering on purple background, and you have a situation that is not visually ideal.

Ok, one more thing - the link to the picture you put at the bottom of Freyja's intro. Why not insert the image into the actual site itself? If it's because Google Drive doesn't support that feature, use Imgur instead! It's so much easier!

Here's a list of useful bbcode you can use!

I think a backstory could flesh out her personality even more - why is Emalyn the way she is? You may choose to incorporate it into her personality section for an added flair.

Also, maybe organize her personality into groups of information that relate to each other, or maybe put them in a specific linking order so that the reader can link these pieces of information as they go along and not have to suspend multiple ideas at once as they read something that doesn't relate to the info they've already read. People are able to absorb more information if they make connections, and they can do that easier if every piece of information is in a methodical order.

Make the writing under her name in her basics page bigger by at least one or two sizes, maybe italicize it if you want. Otherwise, nothing!

Just a few lines - in her basics page, under her third faceclaim, you wrote "Her body language is a bit nervous and hyper.". I think a better word to replace hyper would be "jittery". Hyper sort gives off a stereotyped extrovert vibe, and jittery comes with a sense of nervous energy that would be more suitable than "hyper".

Second paragraph of her personality page - third line. Change "sacrafice" to "sacrifice".