Forums » RP Discussion » Practice Avoiding Ghosting Others

Me three. I used to try and be considerate and polite and try contacting people but since coming to RPR and the massively more RPs and writers I’ve been involved with here, it’s been made clear ghosting is quite common. I'll still send a follow-up OOC if I remember, If I don't get back to someone in an RP, I leave it up to them to follow up with me, then I'll let them know it isn't working. I’ve adopted Juls’s method and I like it.

There are many who feel quite hurt when they are ghosted. I won't claim those who ghost are terrible people or anything, but I do feel it's important to make the effort to say something when possible... Assuming the other person isn't just plain being toxic, at least.

I'm going to agree with the other people here. If I were to receive a message like this:
- If I deliberately ghosted you, it would only validate that choice. Why would I believe your reaction to a 'I'm ending this RP' PM would be any better?
- If I intended to keep the RP going this message would instantly eradicate any chance of that happening.

Honestly?
I feel like the practice of ghosting and not having a conversation about what is happening //not setting boundaries (if there hasn't been one already/hasn't been done) has become v. common place within the community. And that it is easier to ghost a partner, potential partner or whoever than to explain what is going on, how you feel about something happening or to confront a problem. (I 100% understand not every situation demands/needs a conversation especially in light of a toxic partner. And that everyone doesn't have the spoons to deal with issues they may consider overwhelming, or not partake in what they consider to be drama-create drama thus having or seeing a lot more profiles littered with rules of engagement/what they are ok with - I'm included in this fray after witnessing and experiencing many a debacle with people. )

But from my perspective? I am sure those who haven't proven themselves toxic - some people appreciate a sensitive conversation and being told that motivation/interest in the interaction is dim and that they'd like to shelve it vs letting someone hold on for an eternity. Since some of us (me included) can be socially ignorant, may not realize we committed a social faux pas and can boil it down in our minds to being not good enough/interesting enough to hold attention. I feel that being communicative and transparent is pretty important in a community based on collaborative creativity and it can be kind of hypocritical of people to toot about being communicative/transparent but turn around and at will ghost or shit talk at a moments notice about who they are ghosting -- I understand that there are partners out there who are just.........too much/toxic-belittling jerks and spin it on a dime that you are the problem and not them and having those receipts of addressing the issue and x-ing communication after that can be a life saver.


There are just so many factors that go in to ghosting, reasons why we do it and interaction in general.



Personally - I am 100% communicative/transparent about what is going on, I will ask if something is ok- get a conversation going and I try not to ghost people if I am disinterested in what they are dishing out. When it comes to personal interactions beyond the creative pool? I will try to salvage a relationship but if they prove to be unable to register/improve on their side then that is beyond me and I will just stop talking after that but still remain cordial unless given reason to block/remove them. But I try to let people know I can't read minds and if there is something going on, I am open to talk about it and see if it can be resolved or if we need to shelve- let's say we did an interaction to end it. however, that isn't to say that some times being ghosted by a partner doesn't hurt or that you choose to do so for mental health esp. if they been a long term one.

*just sucks in their mouth*

this forum tries to prevent that though. but i would like to ask you, why?
don't you feel a sense of responsibility that when you've agreed with a person to do a roleplay, or maybe you've even gotten as far as writing it, that it would be common decency to tell them you want to end the roleplay (for whatever reason) instead of them being able to watch you be active on the site and just leave them wondering if they've done something to you?

on another note, i don't ever ghost people (on here, i've done it once to somebody irl because they made me very uncomfortable) because i've been on the recieving end in that situation too many times. sometimes i take it rather personally because i'm a bit sensitive but it's also a **** move to just completely vanish and ghost another person for no other reason that you lose interest in them or what you might be writing together. the least you can do is send them a message, saying that you're not interested. i know not all will agree with me but i really prefer to be rejected instead of being ghosted or just ignored

I'd like to remind folks that this thread is intended to be used for practicing how/what to say to improve communication between rp partners. It is not meant to be a place to debate the ethics of ghosting.

I think if you don't ghost, that's great! You've found something that works for you.

But we're not all built the same, and we shouldn't be held to virtues or ideals that don't exist for everyone. And frankly, life would be terribly boring if we were, wouldn't it?

We're human. That condition comes with many strengths and many, many foibles and errors.

For me personally there's a few factors: some apparent, some not so apparent and I owe no one an explanation for and neither should anyone else. I think to some extent, people - and roleplayers especially - presume a communication right beyond acquaintances on people's lives to understand why y+z=x and RP isn't for that. It's for escaping, not for recounting and reliving. If It becomes clear I'll upset someone with my behaviours, I'll not interact or pursue a RP with them.

People have things going on that they wouldn't tell their parents, their partner or their friends, let alone anyone else.

Upfront, I'll tell you I'm running a business, doing university work and training for a body building competition, so things take a backseat online more often than I intend. It's easier to be a more transient and whimsical energy in a discord than to hash out a post that I might worry about making perfect. And... generally it's nothing against the player, more often that not, unintentional -- but if it was, you can tell I'd speak on it. I'm sure the people I've RP'd with for years will tell you that lol.

I'm a helper, I live to help and coach people, but if someone displays traits or behaviours I find worrying or I know may cause a situation in a place where I want to relax and don't want it, I'm out. It's not my responsibility. I don't owe them that.

Let's think in the broader sense, then.

We're in a community where I would warrant there's a much higher threshold of mental health conditions and people use their writing/ocs as an outlet. Many mental health conditions inclusive of behaviours that make a person forget, distance or cut ties with no explanation. It's a behavioural pattern that can hurt others, yes, but it's very real and affects many people, but for that person, it might be the best thing to do at that time.

For instance people with ADHD/ADD have to be in a certain 'zone' for characters, muses and creativity.

Bear in mind, not everyone on this platform is going to be someone's ideal partner or fit: like there's different love languages, there's different emotional languages. If you've ever tinder'd or bumble'd you know you swipe 'yes' on a ton of matches and maybe find a connection in 1 in 50 people.

TLDR: It's not always something against the person being ghosted, and it's not something you should grade your worth on, honestly. I believe if you seek validation from people's behaviours and presence online, you will hunger for the rest of your life.
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Just saw this, sorry.

My pms are open if anyone wants to continue discussing it outside of the thread.

Depending on the situation/how long I've roleplayed with the person, reaching out will either be extremely generic or I'll give them a little more depth. For example, my go to generic is:

"Hey there! Just wanted to say sorry that I haven't been super active lately. I've been dealing with some things IRL that I need to get sorted to be able to relax and write. Please let me know if the time between posts is discouraging and if you'd like to discuss any concerns."

I like to leave it open for them to voice concerns. I don't send this message necessarily expecting the other player to just say, "Hey that's cool." I think in the theme of practicing, do so with the idea that the person you're messaging could possibly be upset or concerned! That's totally okay. We all have our own hangups.

When I get a little more personal, I try to explain what's going on in a way that's non-invasive to my privacy and also not oversharing and uncomfortable for the other person. I think it's best to state that you don't want to discuss what's going on if it isn't something you feel comfortable talking about. Just reaching out is often times enough to make someone feel better about the whole thing.

Alternatively, when reaching out to someone, I try to give off a calm, friendly vibe so that they don't feel like I'm upset with them. Balancing this is important, because it's easy to go overboard and seem like you're being sarcastic since there is no tone via text.

"Hey bud. I just wanted to reach out and make sure you're doing okay! It's been a while since I've heard from you, and I imagine you have your reasons for that. Let me know if there's anything I can help you with, or if you may need to step back for an extended period. I'll still be here!"

This one is specifically for replying to an RP interest post. Sometimes it's hard to figure out how to reply to someone you've never spoken with before and tell them you're not interested. Especially when an LFRP get's a lot of attention. It's not exactly a rule that one has to reply to RP interest messages, but I prefer to because I want people to know their message was seen.

1. Hi! Thank you for your interest but I don't think it would be a good fit.

2. Hi, thank you for your interest but I'm going to have to decline.

If you have already picked an RP partner:

3. Hi, thank you for your interest but the spot has been filled.

If you are interested just not now because said spot has been filled you can add in a

'I'll let you know if it ever opens back up'

Giving some type of indication is nice but also life can happen and somethings occur that makes them unable to or it slips their mind. I think sometimes it isn't planned and just happens and sometimes the person that was ghosted may have weirded the person out.


If I'm not feeling an rp I am honest about it. Sometimes characters don't mesh well and meshing well is important. Or writing styles clash or expectations or plot direction or lack there off.


I think some people who truly ghost sometimes arent sure how to break off from the rp, forget and/or lost interest or felt no need in saying so. I'm sure other reasons apply as well for people.

Think we should create a topic specifically for the second purpose. Discussing over the "ethnicity" of a practice is always useful to give different viewpoints to both parties involves (the ghost and the ghosted); plus it could be a useful place to vent some steam off since, as you correctly, some people are hurt by this practice, and talking about their own experience is a good way to cope with this.

Based on some patterns I've come to recognize in myself, there's another thing I'm trying that I'd like to offer up. Feel free to try it if you think it can help you, too, or to adjust it to fit. I'd also be happy to hear about similar tactics you may have used and how it worked out, or other ways you've handled similar troubles and had success with. It's probably even been mentioned in the thread at some point.


The Situation

I've had multiple instances where I've gotten excited over some plot idea or character or even just a user as a whole, enough to go ahead and reach out - even though usually, I won't have a very clear idea of what we might do, and it can even be a "hey, maybe we could do something at some vague point in the future?" With stuff going on in my life, even that much is a bit of a practice in, y'know... ever speaking with anyone. But it's also still something I only do when something really has gotten my interest.

Focusing on the times the other person is open to it, it's pretty common that one or both of us will have something going on that delays much planning, whether that's a lack of actual time to put towards it at the moment, brains being uncooperative, etc. Sometimes it's right off the bat, sometimes it hits after some planning has been done, whatever. And something I've come to realize, at least in my experience, is that these games rarely ever happen. And that's a bummer, even when it may have been only me delaying it.

Part of the problem seems to be a very common issue with communication: the longer it's been since you talked, the harder it is to start talking. Very often, it can be so much easier to start talking with a total stranger than with an existing acquaintance or even dear friend that, whatever the reason, you haven't talked with in awhile. Even for those of us who are that "distant friend" who doesn't keep in contact well no matter how much we like a person, that silence really becomes its own burden, and the longer it goes, the heavier it gets. I still believe that this is a huge part of why ghosting happens at all.

The extension that I've noticed is that I'll somehow lose track of what I'd gotten excited about in the first place, and just trying to reread things, at least for me, usually doesn't help. I think sometimes it's because it just doesn't hit the same as when it's fresh, and that sometimes it's aspects of that aforementioned weight from silence getting in the way. It's like, "Okay, I'm pretty sure I have the brainpower/time/whatever else to do this now! But... now my brain is refusing to process anything related to this, even though it's doing other things fine, what the heck?"


The Solution I'm Trying

Basically: welcoming the person to just nerd out a bit over their relevant character(s).

Most of us tend to enjoy talking about our characters, right? For the newer ones, we're excited over the ideas we put into them and the sorts of games we'd like to have with them. For older ones, we often have some fun stories we love sharing (and in a sense with that, reliving), whether any of that has become canon for the character or was specific to one particular game/setting. By my figuring, that results in a solid topic to get talking over again.

I'm also expecting it to a great job of reviving that excitement and to help reconnect with those original ideas. The foundation of the character(s) in question is already there, so it's more like hearing about someone you've at least chatted with before rather than trying to follow a story about a complete stranger you've never met. I expect it to also help me get a better understanding of the character, the playstyle, and my potential partner overall, which might even help to fill in some of the vague questions that might have also been in the way in the first place. Yes, I can better work out what I want from a game when I'm better informed about what to expect and what the other person enjoys - and examples can communicate a great deal more than just statements (plus they can be a lot more fun to hear/read!).

I'm only just trying this, so I have nothing to report about outcomes. I'm not even sure how consistently I'll remember to try it, since, again, I don't really try to set anything up very often at this point in my life. The biggest hurdle I'm expecting with it (besides remembering to try it), though, is just getting folks to feel up to sharing just a bunch of whatever about their character(s). Fun as it can be, I know a lot of us also end up holding back or keeping reserved a lot of times, at least when being asked by some rando.

ooc check-ins i like to use and receive:

"running out of spoons"
batteries are low
the hunger is real
my muse woke up and chose violence

"ne ne ne, my brain is on aggregate"
have an attention / impulse method when it comes to entertainment
i hyperfocus! sometimes this means i gotta hypersleep on other things
a different roleplay has me by the shortbits
i ran so many ads and fell down this/that/the other rabbit hole
lost track of time on wikipedia

"tis the ti~me, of the se~eason"
we could let this rest and come back to it later
i'll be back when i've got the inspiration again
leaving this open in case we could try a rewrite to see where it goes


most often used explanation when an RP goes stale it's not GHOSTING lol that's a term for intimate partner abuse / casual dating issues, doesn't really apply to friendships cos really we all have boundaries and we're all allowed to cut people off to protect ourselves

"Since I have multiple stories running and like to stay active here, a stagnating reply turnover just means it might take me longer to answer our RP. Active RPs that I'm really engaged in keep at the top of the agregate, get sooner and more frequent replies, and plots where i'm struggling for content tend to move a lot slower.

"There is NOTHING wrong with your writing / character / this RP. Bring what you got to the table and don't second-guess yourself, that's all we can ask of each other."

This is a good idea. Learning to assert yourself is a necessary life skill, and using games on the internet we play for fun is a good low-stakes way of practicing it.

I've had the bad habit of ghosting people in the past, usually by accident. Sometimes, health problems get the better of me. I've been more proactive about telling people when I can and cannot reply to things, or when something isn't working out, and generally found people are understanding.

I don't think I've ever ended an RP for some of the more serious reasons others have experienced, at least not on this site. I suppose that makes it easier for me since mostly I can say honestly "Yeah I just got sick." It feels lousy when it keeps happening to me, but it's never a lie and I've never gotten flack for it.