Forums » Smalltalk » What is this? What do I do?

I was hesitant to post this here because I don't want people to think differently of me. And I don't want to bring the atmosphere of RPR down. But... I have no where else to turn to at this point because I've been shrugged off and ignored everywhere else; even in actual life...so I apologise in advance.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

It's been a week since...something happened. And despite the charade I've plastered on myself both in life and on here, I don't feel okay. And I've had this feeling before; the unwavering feeling that you're nothing but a useless pile of flesh sitting around all day with having no significance to those around you. That if you disappeared or died nothing you're apart of would change because you just weren't impactful or helpful towards that community or activity or project. I haven't had it in a while, because my...friend....was keeping me on track with eating routines and sleep patterns and everything I was struggling with before. But now that he's gone it's back and I don't know what it is anymore or how to deal with it.

I haven't been able to do anything. I haven't had the motivation to do anything; roleplay, write, draw, world build, create... Everytime I try nothing happens no matter how much effort I attempt to put into the activity. It always ends up fustrating me to the point where it makes me want to hit something or smash something or worse. I can't focus on the simplist of tasks like walking straight and keeping myself on my feet instead of falling face first into the floor where I may be standing.

I haven't had an apetite. I'm hungry, and I can feel I'm hungry, sure. And I know I need to eat before people start to question and my health starts to deteriorate. But I can't. Eating anything makes me want to puke it straight back up; the smell of food while it makes my stomach groan also makes my legs tremble and my hands shake. It makes my head spin. These feelings scare me, because I often find myself distracting myself by getting so involved into an activity that I forget to eat.

I haven't slept properly in god knows how long. It's been half an hour naps here and there throughout the day instead of nine hours of sleep a night. I'm always tired both physically and mentally, and always in a rush to get everywhere. I can't seem to sleep properly despite the lack of it, and it's messing with my head and showing things that aren't truly there. But at the same time, all I want to do is sleep. I'll stay in bed for hours upon hours a day cursing myself to sleep so I don't have to go through another day of sunlight or another day of rain. I'm curling up under bed sheets and burying myself under pillows to avoid having to do anything because I simply can't find the strength to even stand.

My head is constantly whirring away with thoughts that shouldn't be there. I'm paranoid about things I know I shouldn't because they can't effect me anymore. Things that have happened before which are known to others so I'm not in danger anymore. Things that have passed and everyone else can seem to get over it so quickly where as it's almost been a year and I'm still dwelling over those eight months of unknown and fear and stress-

And there are days where I simply don't want to be where I am, and I just want to disappear and leave.

I've tried everything. I've spoken to friends, to adults, to trained professionals, to school, online sources- and yet... I've been shrugged off and waved away by everybody just saying it's a normal teenage thing with hormones. And it may just be it and I'm over reacting and overthinking; but doesn't it seem a little...extreme? I don't know...

RPR is honestly my last resort. I know people here are always ready to jump in with advice and closure, even if I don't personally know the people who do it. I know I won't just be shrugged off as a hormonal teenager with first-world problems. I've been told to just get over my problems and move on with life, even by the people who know what happened last year and then how I lived for five years straight. I want to move on but I can't just get over it like people have told me to do because it's not as easy as it soun ds like it would be. Am I just dwelling on something that shouldn't be dwelled on? Everyone else seems to think so...

I am by no means a professional and anyone on RPR is not going to be able to diagnose what you're feeling or you're going through. However, from what I've read, it could be a number of things.

Life is hard, and it's okay to struggle with how to feel, to want to move forward, or lack of motivation. It is okay that you're feeling this way, and you are valid in feeling the things that you're feeling. No one has the right to take that away from you.

However, I want to implore you to keep talking to people. Be persistent in insisting that this isn't something you think is normal and want to get help with. Don't stop trying to get help because someone tells you it's fine. If this does not feel normal to you, keep seeking professional advice. It's the best thing for you to do, and it's going to be hard. It is unfortunate that a lot of adults don't listen to kids your age and how you're feeling. If it is something hormonal, which it entirely could be, that still doesn't mean you shouldn't be listened to. I can't automatically assume that no one is listening to you, but if what you're saying is true then keep fighting the bit. You have to keep talking and expressing your feelings. You cannot let anyone shut them down and tell you it isn't real or it'll just "go away."

I suffer from clinical depression, social anxiety, insomnia, and ADHD. It's a good cocktail of issues, but I was able to convince my parents when I was even younger than you that something wasn't right. You have to keep pushing yourself forward, even if the path isn't easy, you have to keep going. Keep telling everyone that you're hurting. Don't rely on RPR to make this easier to understand, because no on on RPR is a professional and cannot assist in this situation. Your friends are here for emotional support, but you gotta keep fighting for your mental health. Don't give up on that fight.

Pain is pain. It doesn't matter if someone has it "worse" than you do. It doesn't matter if you've sprained a pinky and someone else is sitting next to you in a body cast. You are allowed to express your pain and how you feel and it does not diminish what you're feeling no matter what else is going on around in the world.

You are very young and have a huge life ahead of you. I can relate with the thoughts you're describing, and I can tell you that you can make it better. It WILL get better. However, while I'm not a part of the group for my own personal reasons, Here For You is a great place to submit how you're feeling and receive advice from a lot of people going through similar feelings. I would look in to that and using it as your venting journal to help let out your feelings.