Forums » Smalltalk » I'm not easy to play with

I don't think I'm unique with this, but I think that's only more reason for me to say it.

Some of those who have been here for awhile and who are more familiar with me may have noticed that I'm not nearly as active as I once was. Even when I was still more active OOC, I was frequently turning down RP requests, even though in the past I've gone out of my way with efforts to help folks develop characters and styles through play and offer up strange "blind" rp opportunities (admittedly, neither ever led to games that lasted long).

There is a mix of reasons for this. Part of it is just plain being busy, and that's amplified for games with longer posts (which I greatly prefer to do with a proper keyboard, but I barely have awake home time). Part of it has just been not wanting to do much brain things for... awhile now. And part of it has been an awareness that I'm difficult to play with, and anxiety surrounding that.

I'm all or nothing. I find sharing control to be exceptionally difficult. If someone else expresses any control of the narrative, I get worried about stepping on toes and am pretty much just reactionary. Everything in me focuses on how best to react, to the point that I don't often even think of anything to add to the narrative apart from the things my character does. On the other hand, if I take control, especially if I manage to get past my fears of doing too much, I get uncomfortable if someone else tries to share control of something, particularly if it doesn't fit my expectations. I won't hold this against the person, but awareness of it keeps me cautious and reserved.

I'm focused on what I perceive as "realistic" or "reasonable." If your character makes the wrong mistake in a game with me, they might die. (I won't decide that, but I will admit when I think they might be screwed.) Or we might set out with a plot in mind, but the way things unfold, we might go a completely different direction or everything might just fall apart. Maybe your character took some action that would totally work in a movie - but I can't let go of knowing that it would totally fail. And if enough stuff that I believe is unrealistic happens, I start losing interest really fast, because all stakes feel increasingly artificial to me. (To be clear, this does not mean that I don't screw up and do probably tons of unrealistic stuff myself, nor is my own logic always sound, let alone sensible to someone else. I'm talking about my own perception.) And sometimes, there just isn't any "right" answer.

Maybe I'm bad at balancing drama. I've been in games where there was just never time to even think about what had happened, or even was happening, nevermind having a moment to rest. It's exhausting, and my brain eventually checks out. On the other hand, if I get an idea for something, I might ruin that nice moment myself. Or hey, the battle is won! No time to celebrate - look at all these people you killed, and now that person you wanted to save is afraid of you and running away.

This post isn't very well thought out, so it probably reads like a mess, and I'm sure I'm missing things. But stuff like this is why, even when I have the time, I usually don't have the energy. I'm too busy worrying about all of that and psyching myself out. And I know it's silly, that communication is key and all that, but I get nervous about that too, and sometimes everything is just in the background, so it's affecting me without me really recognizing it.

I've played with you for a while now, and, well, the fact is that, yes, you are correct about every point you've made, and it does make the game difficult sometimes and not always fun.

There is another fact to consider, though. I have played with dozens of people over my time at RPR, and though you have quirks that bug me, you are also my absolute favorite person to play with. There isn't even a close second.

I can't even count the number of times I've probably gotten on your nerves with something (and don't even get me started on other people I've played with. I've been blocked more than I care to admit), and we have very different tastes in what makes a story engaging. Even so, as difficult as we both are for each other, you have let me experience things I could never have with anyone else, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Maybe you are difficult, but at the end of the day, it's always been worth it, because there's an epic conclusion on the other side and important lessons to be learned. I only wish everyone on this site could be as lucky as I am.

Please don't be discouraged.
I've been down this same road: I majorly prefer slow-burn, more realistic reactions and actions, but I've had to remind myself more than once that everyone has different perceptions- silly as it sounds- on "realism". Because we all have different tastes and realities! So few of my characters have been quick to call others friends, and I've had folks get hurt on me because my charas don't call theirs Family. It is frustrating. You feel like maybe you're too picky, you have wonky standards, you ask too much of others, you either carry everything or nothing. You get burnt out on the same-old interactions. But then, eventually, you get fortunate enough to stumble on others who write at the same speed as you, and your tastes click.

We haven't RPed in ages you and I, but please keep being you. You're unique, not "not easy to play with", and you're highly talented with your own flavor. I've only ever seen you being invitational and imaginative around here. Never difficult!

I agree with all that's been said and want to add: you're allowed to exist this way even if it makes you 'not easy to play with'. When it comes to preferences and how our brains operate, there's no right or wrong way to express and be engaged with your hobbies. You are always respectful and considerate and that's the only requirement in my book that every roleplayer needs to meet. Beyond that it's all about what we like and prefer, and none of that is wrong.

Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, that basically only changes how you approach roleplay, it doesn't determine the quality or fun-levels in your roleplays!

I've been meaning to come back to this. It's just taken awhile to quite feel up to it.

I'm not really sure why I wrote the original post, and I didn't know then either. I'm not sure if it was apology, explanation, warning to those who want to play with me, a reassurance to others that no one's alone having difficulties... I think mostly, really, it was just a rant. And maybe an attempt to wash my hands of responsibility if someone doesn't enjoy playing with me.

I've been dealing with some rough and weird times, and there's no one thing to point at.

I want to thank you folks who responded, though. If I'm totally honest, the words any of you said don't even really matter. It's the kindness and care you communicated through them. Thank you.

Gosh, I feel like I could've written this myself. You aren't alone and I don't think it makes you difficult. It takes time to find our people.