Forums » Smalltalk » The Importance of Managing Expectations

(I’m posting this here because I don’t know where else to put it)

I will start by saying that the RP site in which I grew my roots was not at all like RPR. In many ways it was toxic, the players at their worst were fostered by an incubator which promoted, and sometimes even rewarded bad behavior. Not godmodding, per sey, but the kinds of social consciousness that was all for the self and not for the common good. Friends were treated like a resource to mine the RP you wanted, and not the RP that both would enjoy, and romance with any other character was treated like a status symbol to be flaunted and collected. This has left me jumpy and paranoid when it comes to RP communities and quick to judge or point out what might have been a warning sign in my ‘RP homeland.’

For this, the concept of managing expectations has become a huge factor of my online thought process. IRL I think nothing but the best of people, but as soon as I get behind the keyboard the paranoia can kick in at any time, a knee jerk reaction deep in my gut which is something akin to a fear response and gets to be quite strong at times. Wondering what people want from me and what is going to happen if I began to let myself open up.

It’s during these times I need to step away and ask myself why I think any of it. To check my cognitive dissonance and outline my expectations of others and put them back into a good, or at least natural light. This is my own burden to carry, and get over with time. Being on RPR has helped it immensely. Knowing that the people here are kind and generous and don’t want to use others has helped to calm the frequency in which this occurs. I have found this site to be one of the most healthy and positive places for RP I have seen in a very long time, meaning ever. It is in part due to a friendly and understanding staff dedicated to promoting a positive atmosphere and in part because of the player base who are often equally as enthusiastic about the same goal.

But I am sitting here wondering, does anyone else have this issue, did anyone else come from a less than positive RP background only to find when you got to a place like RPR that you are having to fight your past? Or, even if you didn’t, has there ever been a time you found yourself needing to manage your expectations of something, be it for the positive or negative?

I've been through some strange and nasty places. Some much like what you described, with connections being used as a self-promotional resource. I've dealt with literacy elitists and purple prose snobs. A broad range of godmodders and those who obsessed over identifying every specific type, just to argue who something about their own character made it permissible for just them. I've seen so many levels of powerplay and watched people argue psuedoscience OOC to try to figure out whose IC actions took, often ending in just an OOC blowout. I've had my threads hijacked, and I've been berated by an admin for considering kicking someone out of an RP to smooth its flow (won't claim I handled it correctly, but I have since learned that the reaction was disproportionate).

I've seen a lot. I'm not the oldest here, but I'm 30, and I've been playing more than half my life. There are things I remain sensitive to... But I've come a long way through playing here and through good ol' fashioned maturing over time. And I'm still learning and growing, even learning about myself and where I'm really comfortable.

Most of what I have to manage is social stuff that extends far beyond the internet. Anxiety and Depression. *shrugs*

I am so sorry to hear you had to go through that in order to end up here, but I'm also immensely glad RPR's been beneficial for you 😌 The community's grand at maintaining itself while remaining an open and inclusive forum, for sure!

That all sounds like quite the wild ride, I'm glad you ended up here though, after all of that. I too have found that learning your boundaries is a good way to help fight off the sensitivity. Learning that it is okay to say 'no' or ask for something to change when you aren't comfortable. Or even ask for something to be added to a RP if it would make it more fun for you. As long as everyone is consenting and okay with the idea. It's hard for some people, I know it is hard for me, to put your needs at the same level as others as far as knowing it's okay to say you're uncomfortable. I really hope you keep improving and managing what extends beyond RP into the real world

Thank you, I am really glad to be here, I hope other people who have had experiences like mine don't give up on RP and instead find places like RPR to help them find that inclusive, glowing community of writers which is what cooperative writing should really be about.

Well, glad you found your way here. You were the first person to initiate an RP with me and it was a positive experience, so you definitely project that positive vibe that you are glad to find at RpR. From my point of view (having come later than you), you're part of making it that way.

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Me:

I have never been part of any online community (aside from social media like Myspace (lol ) and Facebook) until joining RpR. So I think my expectations are unusually high. Yet I could still see the difference here vs other places.

I can see the stark difference between RpR and the conduct of people on the wild west of the internet, such as in YouTube comments, on Twitter, on comments to news articles and even sometimes on Facebook.

However, managing expectations isn't something I've never had to do with online friendships until like a few weeks ago when I'm starting to sense the difference between real-life friends and online friends.

You seem to have to battle being overcautious. I came in all doe-eyed and am now having to readjust and become more cautious of getting too easily attached to people.

But I can imagine what that must feel like, to have been burned before and having to remind onesself that the culture and expectations are different here than in those other places. I'm glad you found this place and same for me.

Well, you know where I came from and what I've had to endure. I never mentioned it, because it hasn't come up in our talks, but I'm trying to approach things more openly here on RPR and there's a lot 'armor' that I need to shed.

Where we came from, I knew how to read people, I had been there for so long I knew who to avoid, and I developed a salty crust to protect myself because of how shitty a lot of people were on the site. Yet I never quit or left because there were a few good gems in there that I adored writing with. And despite how that site was, I felt a bit safe knowing I was one of the oldest/longest standing members that I felt it gave me another layer of protection. Plus, the format of that site made it easy for me to not only identify who played what new character that showed up, but get a read on people based on their behavior in the chat.

But here, on RPR, I'm the new one...everyone else is new to me...the format is unfamiliar...and I really don't know what to expect from people. So often, I have to check myself of my mental snarky saltiness and just be more open. I also have to remember that I no longer have to fear what I feared from the other site. And I have to constantly tell myself that the format of this site makes it a lot harder for people to take advantage of you. I'm still cautious about people, but no longer as stand-offish and seeing the worst in everyone. I'm hopeful when I start conversations instead of regretting everything, which you know is a huge step for me.

It also helps a lot that I have you here on the site. So thank you. We'll get through this! And help each other.

Thank you, I am glad to hear that I helped you when it came to entering the community I think when it comes to joining RPR expectations are usually met as far as a welcoming place to be. And I too am happy we both found the site

Truthfully, there is nothing wrong with entering a new friendship with a big heart and an open mind, thinking it will go places. Sometimes that can be scary if it becomes to overly enthusiastic, but usually that wears off over time to a good place. But protecting yourself is defiantly something needed too. Not because someone my hurt you, but because if you are expecting an ocean and get a lake things can get disappointing fast when they could have been very exciting all the way through.

I'm really glad that you gave RPR a try and that you are trying to approach it with an open mind and a more friendly outlook. That's the way I feel and something I try to do too.

Being hopeful and taking that positive outlook is a huge step in seeing others in a good light for who they are, instead of clouded with fear on who they might be. But, like with @Abigail_Austin, going in with too much can be a problem too, however seeing as RPR is a pretty healthy, cooperative environment I am hoping that you feel comfortable opening up and flourishing. Knowing you, even being this open is something that you should be proud of.

And we will get through this thank you as well, but about being salty? Salt is the spice of life, so you can keep a little

I also came from a site where things were much less healthy of a dynamic. I've been blacklisted simply for not agreeing to participate in a group storyline, and blacklisted by entirely uninvolved groups when I ended a rp romance that had grown unhealthy ooc. I've been accused of things by people going entirely off of someone else's opinion. I've been blacklisted by an entire group I loved and so badly wanted to participate in simply because I had unknowingly befriended one of the leader's rl ex spouses on facebook.(There seemed to be a year or two in there on Myspace RP where blacklisting was 'THE THING' to do) And while those experiences were excruciating, it also forced me to reassess myself and how I wished to interact with the world whether away from rp or in it.

Nevertheless, when you experience horrible things online, it definitely effects how you view online interactions as a whole. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, so long as one does what you are describing and occasionally taking stock mentally on whether or not you're operating under old insecurities and in some cases, traumas, or giving new people the benefit of the doubt.

Kruhee, I actually find that incredibly healthy as a means of managing social anxiety in general, which I deal with along with PTSD. So I'm giving you serious props for doing something that isn't necessary easy, but is absolutely healthy and kind.

It is good to manage expectations. As a veteran of the Darkstarr wars of 2000-2003, I learned to keep things compartmentalised as far as online relationships go after some harsh interactions. The wounds never really fully heal and they leave scars, and it all contributes to how one manages expectations in the future.

RPR is in my opinion on of, if not the, best to communities out there. It’s well managed and is quite welcoming, and it’s been my experience that most people get along. Glad you found this beacon in the wilderness!

Salt and potatoes dooooo go so well together!

I sympathize with where you are coming from as far as being blamed for things you didn't do. On this site I was on all characters were anonymous, and so if you didn't tell someone who you were they didn't have to know. A friend I held dear didn't know I played someone who was IC a bad guy but OOC I always made sure to stay very polite. Still, she came crying to me telling me he had been mean and abusive to her, when not only had I never spoken to her with this character IC or OOC but I knew the things she told me were false. The decision was hard, tell her I knew it was a lie, or not, spare her feelings, and lie myself.

When it comes to who says what it's hard when groups follow a heard mentality, banning and blaming before knowing the whole of things. It can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and untimely, you never know the circumstances, much like with you and needing to back out of a bad relationship OOC. It was what was best for you, but that doesn't mean others saw it for what it was.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, all of it, but glad you are here on RPR now. Thank you for the props, and I give some back to you for your healthy outlook as well, keep on being an amazing you

Yes. Yes they do, very much so

Also I can definitely say I enjoy conversing with you.

Also props to both you, and Kruhee, for going through what you did and still managing to come out good people on the other side.

Compartmentalizing is a good way to get through things, though it's always a touch sad when that needs to be done and it's not an easy thing to do. Props to you for being able to. I've never heard of Darkstarr though I'm sorry you had to learn how to manage in order to get through it. But it's good whatever happened didn't have you giving up and thus ended you on RPR

Thank you

Darkstarr was a long time ago and it was my first real experience in dealing with online personality issues. The board was a spin-off from The One Ring.com that had some of the more intense people join. There were 'factions' of people, cliques, and personality cults that grew in the One Ring and this led to clashes. Many good people got hurt, along with those who likely deserved it. It was a learning experience for me, and after losing contact with so many awesome rp writiers through it all, and through some rather disturbing personal OOC situations based on IC stories, I learned to manage my expectations when dealing with people OOC in these communities. I did take a big break in being a part of communities, limiting myself to a few old ones I was a part of, and only recently in this decade start getting back into it. I wish I had found RPR nine years ago as it was the RP home I've always dreamed of.

I guess what I mean by 'compartmentalising' is to keep that barrier between IC and OOC. I do make friends outside the RP, and connections are usually made on other social media whenthat happens, but my experience has helped me judge the closemess that develops.

I can certainly empathize with how you feel when it comes to wishing to have found RPR first. And about dealing with challenges such as personality cults. Darkstarr sounds somewhat like a difficult place to manage online relationships, especially if they were so closed off. I guess all I can say it that I am happy you learned something at least, and that you didn't give up on RP altogether. I know several good, kind RPers who have never come back to online RP after some truly toxic experiences. The worst part being that they truly loved the experience of RP and creative writing/expression but were turned off it forever because of what they had to go through.