Forums » Smalltalk » Human Interactions are Hard

Honestly I'm not sure if this belongs here or in 'RP Discussion' I'll gladly take it down and move it if need be.

I am sure we’ve all experienced this, someone sends a PM asking to RP but doesn’t have any ideas, or won’t share them unless you start sharing your own without any points of reference…

I am all for collaborative planning, I really am, that's what we do RP and not just write books alone. It’s for that interaction with other players. But I am conflicted when it comes to being approached like this. When you approach someone to RP, do you think that you should give a jumping off point for them or an idea that you have to approach them with?

I was sort of wondering what other people feel and what reactions are to this? I mean, I really don’t want to be judgmental, but I also am not sure I like the pressure of having to come up with something for someone if they approached me, it feels like it sort of puts a lot on my shoulders, but maybe I’m looking too deeply into things.

Well, aside from right now (I'm currently rejecting all requests), if I get a message that offers nothing, I simply ask, "Did you have any ideas in mind? Or was there a character of mine that stood out to you?"

Usually... I don't get an answer back. And that's okay. The exchange has ended, I can continue with my day knowing I fulfilled any reasonable social expectation for it.

And if I do get an answer back, we talk it over to see if something will work out.

If I'm blindly approached by someone asking for RP, they need to prove they're interested in me, not just randomly spamming out requests. I'm fine accommodating nervous folks and such, but I don't take up random blind requests.

Completely agree! The (few) times I've gotten an out of the blue message with "hey, do you wanna RP with me?" along with zero story or even character pairing proposals, it has not, ultimately, worked out well.

I really try hard to come up with at least 2 ideas of my own to propose if I reach out to someone for RP. 3 if I can think of 'em.

Maybe the answer is (and I think I'll take my own advice next time this happens), is to not feel the need to do the work they didn't do and simply ask the other player to look at my characters and to come up with a couple story and pairing suggestions. If they come back with "whatever you want!", then I know it's going to be a one-way street and not worth the effort.

The exception to this would be if I have a history of a fun/successful RP with the other person. At that point, a "hey, wanna start a new RP?" might be more acceptable since we already have a feel for each other.

When someone approaches me for an RP, I assume that they're interested in writing with me because they've read my profile or saw one of my characters that made them interested. I would prefer it if they came to me with some sort of jumping off point, a plan, an idea, or even offer up one of their characters. I'm not talking about a fully fleshed out game plot, but at least the bare bones of a premise so that it gives me an idea of what they want or where they're thinking of things going story wise. Hell, even a setting or genre! Something, anything.

I can understand that it's intimidating to message someone, especially a stranger, and ask to write together. The possibility of rejection is high and no one likes being rejected. But there are things people can do to attempt to reduce the risk of rejection. I get that putting yourself out there to strangers is always hard to do, but if someone presents what they're thinking game wise, then it lets the other person decide if the writing style matches or if the interest is there.

It shouldn't feel like pulling teeth to get information to get a game started. That's a lot of burden for someone to shoulder.

Yeah, I tend to try to do that too. Whenever I get approached like this I will ask what they have in mind, but what becomes more difficult is when they have no intent to share, or no ideas, or want to hear from you first. It sort of feel like a blind position where I want to please someone (I have a hard time saying no) and not knowing what they expect? If that makes any sense. Usually I am forced to say it won't work out, and that makes me pretty sad to have to do.

From a personal standpoint, I prefer feeling that the other person is putting effort into their request to RP with me. This can mean suggesting appropriate characters, making suggestions that fit the request I made, offering one possible plot or goal for our characters to work towards, or at least have a starting point where our characters can meet. It tells me they are interested in my character or story because they've thought about what the story will look like. While I'm okay with asking someone these things, I really prefer if they suggest it when approaching me in the first place. I take Nova's stance on the approach for that as well.

However, I also fully realize that everybody has a different background and comes from communities with different customs and etiquettes. There are also many different styles of roleplay and communicating, and one way is not superior to the other. I think a lot of users are used to the fast paced, 'let's just do this' approach that leaves a lot of planning aside because they improvise on the spot. As long as they're having a good time, that's great!

I think it can help to have some basic outlines on your profile detailing what you'd like in someone's RP request to help act as a filter. You're also not obligated to respond (although I highly encourage communication, and I think a 'No thank you' would be kind and help practice setting boundaries in a lot of people) in case someone sends a request you're uncomfortable dealing with.

Also, having preferences and/or methods that work out better for you is not judgmental. It only becomes that if you put someone else down for not meeting your preference, which I don't think is the case here. You're looking for a certain match, and are unsure how to handle situations where you're not a match. Tl;dr: it's okay to turn them down kindly, you don't owe them anything, but it can be nice if you want to ask them to provide more info.

It's not as if it's a bad thing to start out by asking, I mean, a conversation has to start somewhere, but being forced to come up with the ideas is no easy place to find yourself.

I like your advice, but it's also so hard to follow lol. Especially being someone who takes on responsibilities they don't need to in RP's. But you're right, when you know something won't work, it just won't work.

I really don't mind when someone I know does it, heck, I do it all the time! But, that's with people who I work with to make plots and ideas come to life, and as you have indicated, stating interest isn't the same as not having anything when you come to the table... and MAN does that sound judgmental. Sorry if it comes across that way. But yeah, that is the exception, I 100% agree.

I'll speak as someone who might approach someone for RP. I, personally, would be a bit caught off guard if somebody came to me and sent an RP plot/proposal in their introductory post. I like to at least get to where we can say, "Hey, how was your day?". I don't like it when people assume that I will RP with them, because I am picky. I would usually start off with something like "Hey, I really like your character [x], and would love to RP with him/her." or "Hey. How's your day been going? I've been looking for some RP partners, would you be willing to RP with me?" I feel like that's a generally good social interaction and doesn't come off too bold. If the person shows interest, I would willingly give out some plot ideas in the next post.

EDIT: But sometimes, I only have a little bit of a story planned out, and I look for some guidance with my partner. I expect that everyone will be adding onto the RP no matter who contacted who.

I 100% agree with you Somnom! I don't feel the need for a fleshed out plot, but at least a setting or kind of RP, or jumping off point would be nice. But that's just me.

Thanks Sanne, this really helps! I think I will add some details to my profile to help set those boundaries, it's really good advice. Also, it has helped me see thing from a point of view I didn't even think about.

I usually don't reply to the 'hey how are you do you wanna rp' or 'Hey I was wondering if you wanna rp?' messages, at all. I prefer to only be contacted for RP via one of my Looking For RP posts, strictly. I even get pretty picky if someone does message me because of my LFRP post with only one sentence and doesn't include any ideas or the character they would use, or even information about the character they would create.

I either ignore the message or reply with 'Hi, I'm sorry but I'm not interested,' and move on.

The more someone says in their message, the more likely I am to reply and be interested.

I probably won't reply to:

Hey, I was wondering if you want to RP?

I may reply to:

Hi! I saw your profile and noticed you have a lot of characters as well as kudos. People seem to really like RPing with you. I love romance and fantasy RP, I have tons of characters to chose from and would love to get something going if you're interested in any of them. Let me know!

I probably will to reply to:

Hello! I saw your character xcharacter namex while browsing through characters and I love them! I noticed on your profile that you have quite a few RP's going at the moment but I think my character xcharacter namex would work very well with xcharacter namex in an action romance of some sort. I have several ideas already I'd love to bring up with you if you're interested. I write -such and such length- to -such and such length- average, and am comfortable with mature and explicit themes.

Thank you for your time!

If someone messages me whether prompted or unprompted with very little content in their message, I'm not likely to be interested. I'm very big on plotting, my rps are more like co-written novels. Which is not everyone's cup of tea.

Hmm... The way I see it, if I'm approached for a roleplay, then an idea or pairing should already be in mind. I'm the one that's being asked for roleplay, not the other way around, so I don't think it's my obligation to shoot out ideas for them or suggest characters they might like to play with if they come to me with nothing in mind.

When someone asks me, "Hey, wanna RP?" they usually didn't read my profile or my characters, so I have to ask the same thing Nova does or outright say no to them. I kinda see it like someone asking me if I want to hang out with them. There has to be a place or an activity they have in mind, otherwise it shows me they're not willing to put in effort towards making a connection with me.

I guess what I'm saying is, I prefer it when others come prepared with ideas in mind or characters they'd like to play with rather than me doing all the work. I've done that for years already, and it's never worked out for me. Equal reciprocation is key, and just saying "I don't know," or "What do you have in mind?" doesn't show equal reciprocation to me. Instead, it shows me that you're more likely to push all the effort onto me.

However, like Sanne said, people do come from different backgrounds and sometimes it's rough for them to reveal their ideas or intentions. There's also the chance that they're painfully shy (like me), or that they've had their ideas rejected so many times that they feel like they need to ask first before showing off anything. I recognize that, but I also recognize my own comfort zone. It's never a bad idea to state your boundaries, even if it seems hard. That's what I think, anyway.

I agree with what I'm most ppl said: that it's polite and typical to come up with ideas that show you've read the person's profile you're PMing.

But when I'm actually accepting requests (not right now cause I'm all full), I usually will look at the person's profile and base my decision on that. If their profile is well written and gives off a positive vibe, I then ask the follow-up question, "What kind of RPs do you like to do?" or a similar question like the many good follow-up questions already posted in this thread.

i can safely say that 99% of introductions that land in my inbox with little more than a 'hi, I'm interested' are promptly ignored - they're irritating, specifically when they're regarding an advertisement i made. it's not a good first impression for me, because i then have to coax the information out of them: what character do you want to play with, what ideas did you have, what setting, etc, etc. if i have to wrangle someone to spit out more than a few words as to what they're wanting to write about for more than a message or two, i give up and leave it be.

for me, it just gives off the impression that they're not really that interested if they can't come up with a sentence or two telling me the specifics of why they wanted to write with me. if you can't even be bothered to put in the little amount of effort required to introduce yourself properly, then why should i bother with you for a long-term RP? ¯_(ツ)_/¯ it's common courtesy. even an 'i haven't figured much out yet, and was hoping to discuss it with you' is better than nothing.

i always reply to people who spend the time to write up a decent proposal, even if it's something i'm not interested in. give me respect, and i'll do the same for you.