Forums » Smalltalk » National Coming Out Day 2019

So in the US, today (Oct 11) is National Coming Out Day, a day when those who feel they can safely do so are encouraged to come out if they are LGBTQIA+ in a move of solidarity and support. So, if you've been hiding in the closet but feel safe here - or even if you're already out and just want to re-come-out in solidarity, and regardless where you live - then I invite you to come out right here in this thread.

Myself, I first came out as asexual, and it took a long time for me to feel at all okay stepping into LGBT+ spaces (part of why I usually use one of the extended versions of the acronym and am fond of the MOGAI and SAGA alternatives).

A year or so ago, I initially added demigirl to that. More recently, after learning that I had misunderstood the demigirl definition, that changed to genderfluid or genderqueer (or sometimes just non-binary as I get more comfortable with the term), and settling into that has made much more sense and brought various things from my past into better perspective. Things are still a bit tumultuous with regard to my gender, but I've surrounded myself with some pretty good people, so I'm pretty fortunate in how it's all working out.

While I remain confident about being under the asexual umbrella, there are details of attraction that I have not yet entirely worked out. I know that I experience aesthetic and sensual attraction across the spectrum. I'm additionally aroflux with romantic attraction sometimes being a thing and sometimes not in various ways, so that's harder to suss out. I know that I have experienced romantic attraction toward men, but am unsure about non-binary folks or women, but it's increasingly seeming like a yes. (But also I remain terrified of actually getting into a romantic relationship again. )

I love this post, thank you for sharing your journey so openly.

I 'came out' as bisexual in my teens, but in my family sexual orientation matters so little I never brought it up directly. My sister is a lesbian and just came home with a girl one day as a teenager and it was just... accepted. (I am extraordinarily privileged in this aspect and my heart aches for those who can't and couldn't have it be this normal and not a big deal at all. I do everything I can to help normalize sexuality and support all who struggle with coming out.)

In my early twenties I found the term pansexual, and it clicked with me in ways bisexuality never did. Whenever I said I was bi, it made me slightly uncomfortable cause it didn't feel right, like I was only labeling 80% of myself instead of all of me. I just don't care what gender someone has, if I like them, I can be attracted to them. Pansexuality feels a lot more comfortable to use for me personally, because bisexual to me means 'attracted to two or more genders, can be all but doesn't have to be all'. I'm very certain there's nobody I'd ever not be attracted to because of their gender, so pansexual feels more definitive and less restrictive than bisexual can be. (It can make it confusing because many bisexuals describe their sexuality the same way I do mine, they're just happier using bisexual for their label. That's also 100% valid, they just overlap a lot. )

Thanks for sharing your journey! I am on a similar one with my gender identity. 💕

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I have had my mind on this day for a while. And the whole coming out thing in general. And just a note that this isn't directed at you or anything Zelphyr, just my recent feelings on stuff that might help some people.


It's always been my personal opinion that the whole 'coming out' thing as it has evolved to today isn't entirely good.

Being in the closest used to mean 'pretending to be straight/cis'. But it's evolved into something more like 'not telling everyone you're queer'.

Just not telling some people and allowing them to assume and think whatever they want doesn't mean someone is in the closet.

My friends, my dad (to a more vague extent), my writing group,
people on the internet, they know I'm bisexual/demisexual but most of my other family does not because they assume I'm straight and for safety I allow them to but I don't pretend I'm straight.

I'm entirely out of the closest even if some people don't know/have assumed something else about me.

Other people's assumptions are not my responsibility to correct and not correcting them doesn't mean I'm closeted.

So while I'm happy for this day!

I just wanted to say this for the people struggling with the 'everyone must know' mentality of coming out these days.

If the people you care about and feel safe with and want to tell already know and you're just living your life letting the people you don't feel safe around assume what they assume,

You're already out!

Don't let the whole 'but everyone and their mother doesn't know' mentality make you feel like you're not out and pressured to tell everyone including people it would be far more of a risk to tell.

You're not required to tell everyone, especially if your life is safer and happier allowing some people to assume what they assume and live regardless.

Don't let pressure push you into coming out of a closet you aren't even in. 💕

If none of that applies to whoever reads this, that's okay, but I know from experience it will apply to some.

Happy coming out day nonetheless. 🌈

Lovely thread.

First I'd like to thank Zelphyr here, the truth is your immediate openness from the day I first saw you around the forums has been nothing short of inspiring for me. In a lot of ways I envy you, and wish I could manage to retain what you have in that what you are is simply what you are, and another person's opinion of you seems to mean so little.

Truth is I didn't realize there was a coming out day, but as a few people already know I've been teetering on the bring of coming out as bisexual myself, and while Mercy makes some very valid points, simply posting this here (for the very first time anywhere within the scope of public viewing) feels like an internal accomplishment for me. I dont feel like I need to for anyone else, but I feel like I do for myself to break through a barrier I've left myself locked behind for way too long at this point.

I think theres good reason to come out and good reason to simply carry on with life the way mercy suggests myself, but personally I feel like it's a case by case situation which would be different for all of us. While a lot of what mercy said is exactly what I'll eventually end up doing, these first steps are important for me internally to help break down outside barriers and help build up a new internal structure with which I will use to support myself

Happy coming out day everyone! And thanks again to the mighty Zelphyr ❤

I've known from the time I was about 13 that I was some shade of queer. I kissed lots of girls in high school and came out as "bi-curious" to my friends, and eventually to my mother. She'd joked about the family thinking I was a lesbian until I got a boyfriend because I'd go years without dating if I couldn't find someone I liked, and I was like, "Haha, well... I'm bi." She sort of stared at me and just said, "Don't bring your girlfriends around the house." And that was that.

I felt like a "fake" bisexual because I wasn't universally attracted to non-male people. I second guessed it a lot, even after being intimate with women and people of non-binary identities. It wasn't until years later that I realized my attraction isn't about gender, it's about aesthetics and personality. Functionally, my sexuality is the same as pansexual, but bisexual has always been the label that felt right to me, so I didn't change it as pansexuality emerged as a prominent identity.

Another component of my identity that I came to terms with was my romantic attraction. For much of my adult years, as a result of the manic episodes from my bipolar, I'd fall in love at first sight and then come down and feel extremely trapped. I'd heard of asexuality, but I hadn't heard of aromantic until a few years ago and then it was an "oh heck" moment as things fell into place. I was aro, and everything made sense.

Since then, as I've done recovery work with my mental illness, I've come to realize that I am capable of romantic love, but only when I've formed a really solid bond. I don't feel compelled to be in a romantic relationship, and I'm perfectly happy alone, but if I happen to find someone I click with, that's ok, too. So, now I identify as demiromantic.

These days, I'm so aggressively out that my family has fully embraced who I am. The last time I saw my family, my mother very quietly came out to me as bisexual herself after saying she was so proud and happy that I can be who I am. I was so touched and honored that she chose to reveal herself to me in this way, and ever since then she's become more open about it. She'll comment about women she's attracted to and has crushes on, and she did rainbow nails for Pride month (publicly she said they were to support me, but they were just as much a celebration of herself).

Awww, what a sweet lil thread.

I’m a lesbian, and have been “out” since I was about 13. I’m really lucky, because my friends and immediate family have never taken issue with it. Coming out is a journey that never really ends. I’m very loud and proud about my identity, but every time I meet someone new, it’s like being 13 again. There’s always a little hesitation, at first, because I don’t know how they’re going to react. I’m in an especially conservative (sometimes close-minded) career, too. I find it important to be open about who I am around coworkers, because I want to help facilitate that change in the workplace.

Anyway, for those who aren’t “out,” that’s OK, too! Your identity and sexuality is valid, no matter who you choose to tell.

Happy National Coming Out Day, friends~

I want to thank those who have posted so far (and also thank you folks who will post in the future!), not just for posting, but for sharing some of the variety of views around coming out.

Using it as a tool to promote change, if you feel safe doing so, is wonderful!

Feeling that coming out is a bit silly or unnecessary is 100% valid. If you can be happy living as yourself, it's not others business how you identify, and it really shouldn't matter.

Using coming out as something to help you accept yourself is also wonderful, and I think the primary goal! It can make it more real - and when you receive acceptance for it, especially from those who matter to you, it can indeed lift a huge weight. Recently, just a small shift in how a dear friend responded to me talking about gender stuff was enough to put me in tears (in a good way).

And keeping it to yourself because you don't feel safe, or it doesn't feel like the right time yet, is 100% okay. Coming out is about you. No other opinions matter.

I'm going to preface this by saying, I still struggle with my sexual/romantic identity, even while 26.
But for the longest time, I never had much experience with dating or having crushes on people. So I fell into the category of calling myself asexual. I didnt have much sexual attraction to others, or even romantic attraction. I can appreciate attractiveness for certain but the idea of being intimate with someone always made me cringe.
A handful of years ago I developed one of my first crushes on a female friend, which I initially denied but eventually recognized and came to terms with. I can have romantic feelings for others and opted to calling myself a Biromantic Ace.

I have had a physical relationship with someone and while it was nice for a time, I kind of fell out of it and even now, I cringe at the memories, so I really dont understand where I am on the spectrum anymore.

As someone who’s never been in a relationship before, a lot of people say that I can’t be LGBT+ because I’ve never experienced it. It’s a weird concept, because though I’ve only experienced it once before, I have felt attraction towards someone.

It was about when I was 13 when I started to become ‘bi-curious’, and my parents, being very religious and homophobic, weren’t happy with this when I told them about it. So I hid it as much as I could, tried not to be bi or lesbian in any way. It sounds stupid now that I’m writing this out but back then my parents meant a lot to me and they still do to this day.

When I was 15 is when I gave up trying to hide it and I realized I was bisexual. I even had a crush on my female best friend, who actually liked me back but we ended up not dating and decided to stay friends. This was also around the time that my parents found out I wasn’t just bi-curious. It took a while, but they’re learning to accept me.

Now at my current age of 17, I’m somewhere in between pansexual and bisexual. I identify more with being pan, but I like the term bi better because it’s just what I’m used to. My parents and a couple of close friends were the only ones who knew so, this is my official coming out I guess!

Happy coming out day!

A little reminder: orientation is about attraction, not action!

You can know you're attracted to someone without acting on it. It might be in a different way than you initially assume, sure, but you're still the only one who knows what's going on in your brain.

You can take actions with someone and even enjoy it without being attracted to them in that particular way (such as kissing someone you feel no romantic attachment to or having sexual intimacy with someone you are not sexually attracted to). Emotional bonding is something mammals just do, with touch and closeness being very activating for that, and most human bodies will feel pleasure from certain stimulation, regardless of attraction.

I was always called a "tom boy" growing up. It was a term I resented as I got older, because it implied that I acted "like a boy" instead of just acting like myself, and it definitely impacted my self-identity with a lot of misconceptions. Not only did I enjoy working on the family ranch and playing in the mud, I'd get jealous when my fem friends were gushing over a handsome boy, wishing I could look like him, because I just adored other girls but didn't think they were capable of liking me. I was never interested in learning to do makeup or wearing pretty dresses, but I would trip over myself if I saw a pretty girl, and I wasn't taught that this was even a possibility growing up in my small rural town. It was something I hid, and when I dated my first girlfriend as a young teen, I did so pretending that I was biologically a boy. Our relationship wasn't physical at all, just puppy love, but I broke up with her out of shame before she could find out the truth. Years later, when I was eighteen, I managed to find her through social media and tell her the truth. I was joining the military and that lie was something I had always regretted. I didn't want to get back together romantically, we were very different people by then, but we became dear friends. She used to send packages to my station and we still chat (and write!) to this day.

Any relationships with women were something I habitually kept quiet about, but I eventually "came out" to my squad. I worked with some incredible people in the military who barely batted an eye. I think the majority of them had already assumed I wasn't heteroromantic/sexual ! They were actually surprised when I eventually married a man and had my daughter, but I was charmed by his personalty, not his body or appearance. This changed. When we were in the middle of our divorce, he tried to "punish" me, I imagine, by telling my father that I'm "bisexual". My dad had called me up scoffing, saying he assumed my ex had only said that to try and start drama. I told him he had, yes- but that didn't mean it was a lie.

The memory has always stuck with me. I was on the phone and felt my stomach drop, my heart was pounding, I was dizzy and had to pull my car over. I couldn't believe my family was finding this out for the first time because someone was trying to use it to hurt me. But I managed to calmly and firmly explain to da, "I am capable of loving anyone for who they are, no matter what body they have." He stammered something, I don't remember what, and sounded a little flustered, but ended with a "Well, alright" I thought that was the end of it, but when I moved back home to California, he handed me a massive box. It was full of progress reports and office write-ups I'd gotten from kindergarten to third grade. He joked that this is what I "had to look forward to" now that I have a little of my own. On top, picked out of the bunch, were so many pink-slip reports of me getting in trouble at school for kissing other girls. He told me he'd always known, it didn't matter then, and it didn't matter now.

I spent too much of my youth thinking that I wasn't "feminine enough", or that I "had to be a boy" to be attracted to females, or that I had to hide any kind of love outside of the "standard". I'm raising my daughter with the understanding that love comes in countless forms, you are probably doing it right so long as you aren't abusing people or letting yourself be abused. I won't let her be afraid (or uneducated) like I was. Yesterday her lion and unicorn Beanie Babies, Princess Ramsey and Princess Pixie, had a grandiose wedding.

I am asexual-aromantic and have known that longer than I knew the proper words to describe it. I always had a hard time - still do in some cases - with people not understanding or believing me when I would try to explain this and experienced a boatload of negative reactions from friends, acquaintances and family that I'll not get into here.

That being said, I definitely find people to be aesthetically pleasing.

This is a wonderful post. Many congratulations to all you technicolour souls sharing your stories.

When it comes to love I'm attracted to the poetry in someone's soul, the way they interact and make me feel--but I would also allow myself to be destroyed by so many beautiful ppl with powerful energies. I see a hot person and I'm like woah, end me already. 🖤

I'm might be late but I'm bi ,pretty fly and I used to be ready to die not bot anymore 💖💜💙

I'm pan and prefer guys, so that should tell you how special my girlfriend is for me to love her as much as I do.

This is two days late, but...

A long while ago, I used to identify as bigender. I was never interested in the concept of a female, if that makes sense; everything that could make any sort of female, even masculine ones, just didn't... Click. I thought maybe I had a female and a male side, which would explain what femininity I had left in me. I soon realized that wasn't it: I was just a somewhat feminine trans man, and that's fine.

Sexuality wise? I was bisexual ever since I was young and identified as female still. It started showing more when I was ten or twelve and avidly into Mario games and Yu-Gi-Oh cards; I had the most massive crushes on Peach, Daisy, and Bakura. I don't regret those bits of my childhood, as it helped me realize who and what I am in the long run.

Ironically, characters also helped me discover polyamory, but it was in the form of Fred and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. When I was little, around six or seven, I had a crush on them. However, I never felt it was possible to choose between them in my developing romantic mind; I wanted them both. That concept carried on into my preteens with wanting to date both Peach and Daisy, then into my teen years with Sora and Roxas (and then Riku) from Kingdom Hearts, and... You get the picture. Long before I learned there was a term for it, it was already there.

TL;DR? I'm bisexual, polyamorous, and a transgender man. ...Hi.

Thank you to everyone who shared!

And even though the day is passed, if anyone still wants to use this thread, you remain welcome to.

Recently I discovered that I am, in fact, a bisexual and in love with other women nearly as much as I am with men. Girls are just beautiful and boys are handsome and I just don't have the strength to choose between one or the other so both it is!

I may not be out to my family or friends in my personal life, but I fell safe, comfortable and accepted here with all of you.❤