This story includes self hate, mentions of depression, and other things. If you are easily triggered, this is not the reading for you. Thank you!
Do you ever feel numb?
Like there’s nothing left, and you just feel the tears come out with no emotion attached, no control, it just flows down your cheeks. You don’t scrunch up your face anymore when this happens, when you cry; you just stare at the tears with a straight, empty face. Your bright and colorful eyes have gone dull. Your skin, once so full of color, is now very much pale, almost yellow under the light. Your lips do not know how to form the smile anymore; the smile that once served you many compliments, the smile that used to bring happiness: now it just brings you self-hate.
You look in the mirror and feel as though the person in front of you isn’t you.
No, scratch that-
no matter what you look like, it doesn’t seem like you. Because you don’t know who you are anymore.
You put a hand to your stomach and feel like barfing. Not because your stomach hurts really bad, but because the fat that is your stomach, your body, is disgusting. You feel you eat too much and whenever you eat one thing, your whole tummy turns to a beach ball. Run that hand up to your shoulders. You hate your shoulders; they look odd and are full of acne. Your hand goes up your neck and caresses your face; which has the same problem. People say you can play connect the dots with the acne on your forehead. You’re disgusting. Even with makeup you look gross, you look like you’re trying way too hard. The hand takes a downfall to your thighs. Fat, they jiggle when you walk. Disgusting. You look like a gorilla with all the hair on your arms.
All your friends, family say “you’re not fat/disgusting/ugly/stupid/bitch, you’re beautiful.”
That may seem to be the case for you, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Because I still think all these things about myself.
People tell you to focus on the positive, to not have such a negative mindset- that's like telling me to perform a spell.
That shit’s hard.
They also tell you you’re ungrateful, and a buzzkill. I don’t blame you.
But the people who actually are ungrateful do not get called out. Think about that.
I stare at myself in the mirror, tears uncontrollably run down my face, my hands moving towards all the horrible parts of my body, my mind numb, my feelings are just plain lost.
I don’t scrunch my face up when I cry anymore; I let the tears flow with a straight face.
My bright hazel eyes are now dull.
My skin is so pale, almost yellow in the light, instead of full of color.
My lips don’t know how to form a smile anymore.
The person in front of me isn’t me.
Wait-
Who am I?
What is the definition of ‘me’ anymore?
Not even God can answer.
Do you ever feel numb?
Like there’s nothing left, and you just feel the tears come out with no emotion attached, no control, it just flows down your cheeks. You don’t scrunch up your face anymore when this happens, when you cry; you just stare at the tears with a straight, empty face. Your bright and colorful eyes have gone dull. Your skin, once so full of color, is now very much pale, almost yellow under the light. Your lips do not know how to form the smile anymore; the smile that once served you many compliments, the smile that used to bring happiness: now it just brings you self-hate.
You look in the mirror and feel as though the person in front of you isn’t you.
No, scratch that-
no matter what you look like, it doesn’t seem like you. Because you don’t know who you are anymore.
You put a hand to your stomach and feel like barfing. Not because your stomach hurts really bad, but because the fat that is your stomach, your body, is disgusting. You feel you eat too much and whenever you eat one thing, your whole tummy turns to a beach ball. Run that hand up to your shoulders. You hate your shoulders; they look odd and are full of acne. Your hand goes up your neck and caresses your face; which has the same problem. People say you can play connect the dots with the acne on your forehead. You’re disgusting. Even with makeup you look gross, you look like you’re trying way too hard. The hand takes a downfall to your thighs. Fat, they jiggle when you walk. Disgusting. You look like a gorilla with all the hair on your arms.
All your friends, family say “you’re not fat/disgusting/ugly/stupid/bitch, you’re beautiful.”
That may seem to be the case for you, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Because I still think all these things about myself.
People tell you to focus on the positive, to not have such a negative mindset- that's like telling me to perform a spell.
That shit’s hard.
They also tell you you’re ungrateful, and a buzzkill. I don’t blame you.
But the people who actually are ungrateful do not get called out. Think about that.
I stare at myself in the mirror, tears uncontrollably run down my face, my hands moving towards all the horrible parts of my body, my mind numb, my feelings are just plain lost.
I don’t scrunch my face up when I cry anymore; I let the tears flow with a straight face.
My bright hazel eyes are now dull.
My skin is so pale, almost yellow in the light, instead of full of color.
My lips don’t know how to form a smile anymore.
The person in front of me isn’t me.
Wait-
Who am I?
What is the definition of ‘me’ anymore?
Not even God can answer.
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