Forums » Smalltalk » Sorry I'm really confused about life

Hello, thank you for reading.

I probably shouldn’t be posting this but I have no idea who to talk to about this. I asked my parents and they said I should take medication to be more ‘girly’ because they think it’s a hormonal imbalance but I don’t know what I’m experiencing.

For a while now, ever since I can remember, I’ve been considered a tomboy. I was born female and I always wore more masculine clothing because I hated being girly and it made me uncomfortable. Makeup makes me even more uncomfortable unless it’s a little bit of lipstick, I only use it for when I’m going to some big event and I need to dress up. I only wear dresses when absolutely necessary, and even then most of the time I feel really uncomfortable. The only thing that I ‘like’ about my appearance is my long hair. Everything else feels too fat, ugly, and girly.

I’m wondering if I might be something other than a girl, or only partially a girl. I identify only a little bit with being a girl, I think. It’s hard to explain because I don’t know what I’m feeling. Right now though, I’m so uncomfortable with my body that I don’t know what to do with it. My friends say that it’s because of my weight and I need to lose some before I’ll figure out what I am, and my parents think I need medication to make me girly which makes me want to vomit just thinking about.

If anyone has suggestions or anything please comment or pm me. I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for throwing all of this out there like this. I’ll probably end up deleting this soon since it’s personal but I really don’t know who to talk to.

I know I have given you advice on this before, but I think it's great to be reaching out to see if maybe something clicks! You know I'm always here if you need me! I may not know where you're coming from exactly, but I dont think theres anything wrong with being comfortable in what you wear even if it is boy clothing. Because let's face it, its 100x more comfy than girls.

Secondly, no matter who you are or what you are, I love you for you! If there is anything I can do to help I will do it! And I strongly disagree with medication, however i just know meds mess with my head too much. Plus if it's just gonna give you hormones, I'd recommend not. It may make you way over emotional and I feel that is not what you are looking for.

❤ love you! Hang in there girl and know you are loved!

You might be what my friend Demi helped me to discover I am.

Transmasculine - Someone who was assigned female at birth, but identifies with masculinity to a greater extent than with femininity.

What you told us about how you feel, matches 99.9% to me.

This is how the conversation went: So I asked Demi for the link to the topic discussing the different identities for people Demi linked it to me.

I had said: Trying to find the right gender identity for a female OC of mine.

I have it she was born a female, but was raised as a man, thus she lives like one.

Demi said: but still likes having female genitalia?
Does she have he/him pronouns or what?

I answered: She's not had her body changed. And I have not fully thought out the pronouns. I started her awhile ago, and decided to pick up on her again.

I think for the most part she responds to either the she/her and the he/him.

Demi said: If she doesn't wanna change and is okay with her body
Transmasculine

Then he gave me the definition for it.

I then said: Come to think of it. I think now I know the real gender of my first OC. I had it she was female but a tomboy. But she seems to act, and at times dress, more like a guy. And she admitted to her wife recently that at times she feels like a guy in a female body.

Demi answered with: Yeah tomboy and transmasculine are generally the same thing :heart:

Thank you so much for your support! It means a lot! ❤️ And yeah, medication definitely isn’t the right way for me to go.

That does sound very similar to what’s happening, I don’t want to get surgery or anything but I don’t feel %100 female either. I’ll have to look more into it, right now that and Demigirl are sounding very similar to what I’m feeling. Thank you for replying! ❤️

^-^ Not a problem. Best of luck to you!

I've never heard of medication being used for that purpose and I don't think anyone would prescribe it for that purpose. So don't worry about that. At least I don't think it's even a thing. It is my belief that gender identity is formed during brain development and is subject to the influence of hormones THEN, but not now. Some research I relate to you and if you want to know in what ways, please feel free to message me! I have a very similar story. It doesn't distress me, though. I'm lucky that way. How do you feel when you dress masculinely and such? Message me. *hugs*

This... might not be a popular view, but here...

I am a female, born female, identify as female. I am a tomboy, I am not a big fan of dresses, I do and like a lot of masculine things and im still very much a girl. Oh yea, i also suffer from a hormone imbalance.

Hormones don't make you wear more dresses.. or lift more weights and talk like a bro. Hormones change how your biological system reacts to certain things.. when an if you get your period, if your more likely to develop uterine or breast cancer.. how big your boobies get and ahem, labido. and that's just the primary sexual hormones - you have a ton of other different hormones in the body that signal your brain on things like.. when your liver releases bile into your stomach for digestion.
Yes, these hormones can impact our moods, how comfortable we feel (like if you need to throw up or feel fatigued).. and I suppose in that, the physical changes of some of these hormones could make your body feel more physically masculine or feminine (as science says people with more testosterone build muscle mass faster which is why men can get ripped and women look so dainty unless they take steroids) ...

But never in my life of knowing and understanding science has a hormone imbalance or deficiency changed whether someone feels masculine or feminine. The concept alludes me. like ten years ago they said soy products had estrogen in it and it was making men gay. it doesn't. that's not how that works.

Its ok to be a girl and wear dresses. its ok for a guy to wear dresses and still identify as a guy. its ok to be a tomboy and still be a girl... its ok for a guy to be feminine and still be a guy. you dont HAVE to choose an identity... and you shouldn't let people choose it for you if your feeling confused.
Not everything needs a label you can just say "I am me." if you want. and also "I like what I like". which you know.. worked out pretty well for me growing up and in my adult years is pretty solid.

That's not to say choosing an identity is wrong. I would never say that.

I will say though, most everyone feels fat and ugly. self esteem is a fickle thing and it lies to us a lot.
My husband says im beautiful, but I think I look and feel fat and ugly. I also have self value issues because with my hormone imbalance I cannot have children.. so feel like a broke woman? so I have weird constructs in my head of if i cant do the one think a woman is supposed to be able to do then i need to be fit and pretty or have a really good career. That's actually really normal. I was told so by a few psychologists.

You are a beautiful human. if you want to make a change, if you want to improve yourself.. do it to be a better version of yourself for you on your time. However that comes to be. But my best advice here is, don't let your friends and family tell you what and who you are and what you like. Its only going to make you feel worse or more confused. Only you can decide that, only you know that. Only you can make the changes if there need to be any.

In anycase, I hope you find clarity, self love and happiness in whatever the results may be.

Mipps, I love this. Thank you for sharing, Love.

I honestly don't understand this interpretation for the life of me....what does weight loss have to do with gender identity? I suppose I could be wrong as I don't know the details or the context but from the outside looking in it doesn't sounds like a very supportive way of approaching your struggle. Exactly how is being a certain weight a prerequisite for gender identity? My opinion is to ignore this seemingly short sighted comment entirely

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@Mipps - the way you worded every inch of your post is absolutely incredible and I couldn't agree with it more....the only thing I'm not sure about is that being an unpopular view...I really hope you're wrong about that because that view is incredible and 100% I stand behind everything you said there, hun

Thank you all for replying!

Mipps your response is not an unpopular opinion, and I find that your words ring true. As someone who also has a hormonal imbalance, it doesn’t affect my state of mind about my gender but more of the physical parts of my body, and it has made it difficult to see past flaws that seem so very obvious to me. I definitely need to think about things, and just be myself rather than fit into a label like some others have told me. Thank you for replying.

Abigail_Austin, thank you as well. I might message you but right now I do have a lot going on in my life so it might take some time. And that’s also true, I’ve never heard of medication for being more feminine. Thank you for replying!

Voldarian_Empire, it does sound a little odd out of context, but what was meant was that because I struggle with some self esteem issues and I am unhappy with my appearance, they wanted to see if my discomfort was coming from my weight, or from something else such as dysphoria. Either way I need to try and lose weight, but I am going to try and find out what I am at the same time. Thank you for replying.

Hi! I just wanted to share my little story. I'm female sexed, but my gender is 'demigirl' which means I identify as a woman and use she/her pronouns but not completely, and also like using they/them pronouns. I'm into a lot of things both stereotypically feminine and stereotypically masculine. Sometimes I'm dressed very 'masculine' while also wearing makeup, some days I'm dressed very 'feminine' while not wearing makeup.

I don't like having super long hair as it makes me personally feel to feminine and it's uncomfortable so I have shorter hair and it's makes me feel good.

In the end what you wear, the things you like, the reason you like them, wear them, doesn't matter. All that matters is it makes you feel good.

I'm also fat; but I don't use this word negatively it's just a descriptor. For a while I thought I'd love myself more, know myself better, ect, if I was smaller but... in the end what it actually took was just dressing how I wanted, finding the hair cut I liked, and going along with whatever pronouns I feel comfortable with in the body I am in now.

I hate the whole 'what if you change your mind about pronouns?' thing that people use. Heck with that. Heck with waiting until you've potentially lost weight as if that will magically change something.

So what if several years, ten years, any years from now you or me, or someone else, decides they don't want to use the pronouns they've been using, guess what it happens. Gender, sexuality, can be fluid. You want people to use different pronouns other than she/her? Tell them. If in a few weeks, months, years you decide you want people to use she/her pronouns. Tell them just like you told them not to.

Things are allowed to change, things do change. That's life. What matters is you being comfortable.

Thank you for replying Mercy!

You definitely bring up a good point in that being comfortable is what matters. To be honest your description of demigirl fits what I’ve been feeling to an exact, as I feel like a girl but not 100% one and feel detached from it. Thank you for sharing your story! It definitely brought some things up that I hadn’t thought of before as I was reading it, and I think it helped me get another standpoint on what I need to look at just to be myself, kind of like you’ve been able to. Thank you again!

I just want to slide in that what you're feeling is totally normal. Everyone goes through a phase in their life where they're not sure what's going on with their body and mind, and everyone experiences this very differently. You're going to be going through this for awhile, and it's totally okay that it makes you uncomfortable and makes you super confused. That's part of trying to figure yourself out.

Don't be discouraged with yourself if you don't have the right answer for years to come, sometimes you might suddenly feel connected to one idea, and a year goes by and suddenly that identification doesn't fit anymore either. We go through transition periods as human beings. Some of us have several, some only have one. It's totally okay to be exploring ideas, trying to understand how you feel, and it's definitely good to reach out to your peers.

As a person who has struggled with identification of self for more than a decade, I can at least say that the journey is SO worth the exploring. I've taken so long to figure out who I am, and WHAT I am. I won't go into details or discussion about my own identification, but just know that this struggle is truly something incredible despite how confusing and bewildering it is to yourself.

You'll make it through this, just don't give yourself a hard time for not knowing the answer yet.

Thank you for replying Hadeslicious!

It definitely is confusing, but you bring up a good point of it always being fluid and it can take years to figure things out. Hopefully things will fall into place as I go. It’s also good to hear that the struggle of going through this will be worth it, I’m glad it was for you! Thank you again for replying!

Crystal dragon... haters are gonna hate. When I was growing up we were called tomboys. And to this days I wear men clothes because yes they are more comfy..... by a long shot. Just because your not some barbie doll princess doesn't mean your not amazing the way you are. I have watched over my life time the world become a little too feminine and God forbid you be a bit rough and tumble. Yes I have been treated poorly for hunting and fishing and cleaning my catch... but I'm me and happy to freely be so. May you find the freedom I have found in being happy with who you are despite what others say. Freedom to be you and the joy in just being you. Your beautiful just the way you are.