Forums » Smalltalk » Ask Culture vs Guess Culture

I was only recently introduced to this concept, and it's one I think would be well brought up here. My introduction was via this Facebook post, but a search online will give plenty results. Some will argue that one is inherently superior, and while I lean toward agreeing, it's also not that simple to just change how you perceive the world, and I think flexibility is very much needed.

The idea is that some people are "Askers" and some are "Guessers."

Askers are brought up learning to directly ask for what they want and to accept when their request is denied. It's simple and straightforward. (And they, of course, have to learn that they can say "no" as well.) They see Guess Culture as frustrating, rife with passive aggression, and rude in its unclear expectations and presumptions.

Guessers instead rely on various learned social cues that will naturally differ from group to group in order to avoid making direct requests or giving direct refusals. A sense that it's rude to refuse a request without what's considered to be a good enough reason is accompanied by the idea that it's rude to make someone say "no" rather than just knowing somehow to not ask or to read a non-committal response as a refusal. They see Ask Culture as imposing upon them and not listening or paying attention, and generally being impolite.

There are a number of examples in the link I provided.

Myself... I value Ask Culture's clarity and simplicity, but I default a lot to Guess Culture. I think a lot of it is tied in to self-esteem issues and the lingering sense that I am somehow a bad, lazy, selfish person - and therefore it is bad of me to refuse things. If I have a "good reason" to refuse, then I figure my "no" doesn't matter so much as the reason for it (a warping of "show, don't tell" basically). But, of course, if I feel like I'm the only one who can't just say "no" or like I'm the only one who's making an effort to pay attention and avoid putting unnecessary strain on someone else, then sure enough I end up feeling like I'm at a disadvantage. I'll feel like I'm the only one trying to be mindful.

I also know that there are times I avoid giving straight answers because I don't know. For example, in all this time I haven't been RPing at all, there's been one person who occasionally checks in since we left off early in a game - and I even encourage people to check in on my profile. But I also dread it, partly for the reminder that I'm doing something "wrong," but also partly because I do want to continue the game, but every time I've tried to make a plan to start RPing again, the effort fails for one reason or another. I'd like to set some kind of expectation, but I feel like I'd just have to apologize even more for not meeting it. And messes like that lend themselves a lot more to "Guess" habits than "Ask" habits.

I considered putting this in RP Discussion, since I do see that as a big thing to discuss, but I don't expect the conversation to really stick to RP stuff.

I had the pleasure of going to an amazing and really awesome event in February. It was a turning point. At the beginning of the event, the facilitator guided us through an exercise where we split into groups of three and said "Yes," "No," or "Thank you for taking care of yourself" to requests that the other two people made up.

It was the neatest thing. The whole point was to make someone feel okay to refuse something. The interactions that followed had so much more clarity and certainty than they would otherwise have had. Because when you know someone feels comfortable saying no, their "yes" is that much more meaningful, because you know they're sincere.

That activity is what I thought of when I read the post above.

Another thing that stuck with me that he said was that giving a sincere yes or no is a way of showing respect towards the person you're interacting with. Hmmm...I thought. That's different.

He was like, "not everybody in real life with thank you when you say no, but they should. When someone comes to you and asks if a store is "that way," and they're going the wrong way, you don't just tell them "yes," because they want to hear "yes," you tell them the right way to go.

So giving an outright refusal to things you don't want to do instead of trying to appease the person your with by sacrificing what you really want...is actually more respectful.

So I think that's all "Ask culture" ideas.

I can see what you mean about flexibility, though. There was a girl I knew that was always very blunt, and she made coworkers and friends angry sometimes.

Here's an example. What if someone you're dating asks, "Does this outfit make me look old?" Isn't that time for a little j
Guess culture? Or not?

Now this is an interesting debate!

That outfit question is an interesting one. Huh.
I was actually debating this sort of question to myself a while back, although not so neatly, heh heh. Something like, 'where is the line supposed to be drawn between honesty and politeness?' And 'is it better to be gentle? harsh? A balance of both of them?'
These seem simpler until they lead to questions like 'Is there such thing as a bad personality, if you're not doing anyone any outright harm?' 'how responsible am I, actually, for other people's feelings and views?'
These seemed like pressing and alarming worries until I remembered that I am, in fact, a teenager, and it's not exactly expected that I have all of this figured out. Then again, even if it takes a while, I'm a human and we're known for confusion on all sorts of matters. Lucky me, eh?


As far as I can tell, it sort of depends on how close you are with someone, or how much either of you value honesty. Also how much responsibility you're willing to take for something, in a situation where you feel like 'lying for their own good' is the best option.
For instance, if it was one of my siblings, or one of my close friends, I would probably be honest with them, because I respect them... As Abigail said, I think honesty really is something that bespeaks respect.
But that's not to say I haven't told lies, or sugarcoated things before, because I was afraid of hurting someone or even making them dislike me.
I'm also afraid of being manipulative, as my nature sometimes leans, or wishy-washy. I want everyone to get along, and I like to have control of a situation. That's the truth. But I do think circumstances should be taken into account- when I give a half-truth, or ask a roundabout question, this is often because certain people have scorned my overeagerness or curiosity, or brushed off my sincerity. Once bitten, twice shy, all that.
Then again, I was near to spoiled in some ways as a child, and am admittedly used to getting my way. So outright asking isn't /always/ something I have a hard time with (again, depending on the person).
I have fairly good 'people-skills' in person, I think, which means I can usually tell what reaction I'll get from someone, in a very basic way. It isn't always the way I expect, of course, but judging from how someone answers one question I can usually guess how they might answer another, similar one. So in that way, I guess you would say that I'm a Guesser. I see no shame in Asking, for the most part; but maybe I read Emily Post's Etiquette at an unusually young age, because I do see a lot of things as having 'rules' (if only because I know other people who see it that way).
So I guess you might say... I'm decidedly wishy-washy? Hahaha. I don't know. For all that I think about social mores, and interact online, I'm not exactly a normal social butterfly. I also like to challenge myself, and other people sometimes, so I really don't know. I guess, then, that I'm a Guesser with enough determination to instill Asker tendencies in myself? That's a nice way of putting it, anyway.

So, TL;DR: I'm inexperienced yet, so currently have combination tendencies! For example the fact that I'm not deleting large chunks of this post is an example of my Ask honesty, while the fact that I'm counting it as a challenge to myself simply to divulge this information to a bunch of people I don't know, and not wording it very assertively, is probably a Guess shyness tendency. Or whatever. Huzzah, the public forums!

If you read this far, you get a fun fact! The word 'rostrum', meaning a raised platform on which someone stands to speak, comes from these roots!

mid 16th century: from Latin, literally ‘beak’ (from rodere ‘gnaw’). The word was originally used (at first in the plural rostra ) to denote part of the Forum in Rome, which was decorated with the beaks of captured galleys, and was used as a platform for public speakers.
Now how cool is that!?

As a near obligate Ask-person, I still find it useful to know where and when to ask. My brother and I have always values making ourselves clear and direct, but I've seen how this can negatively affect people. So, while I never apologize for being direct, I aim to do so kindly... in my better moments. I'm still human after all.

As to how to answer the "does this make me look old" question, I personally would still answer honestly, but I wouldn't leave it at that. I would say something like, "yes, but I think this can help," or "a little, but I don't think it's a big deal.

Giving helpful criticism (with appropriate advice for how to improve) or making honest qualifying statements as to how much salt to take your opinion with go a long way in minimizing hurt from direct, unpleasant statements.

Now, that being said, being an "Ask" type does not make you constantly honest. It just means that your statements are made directly and with no "guesswork," so to speak.

This is an interesting concept. I've briefly met it before, and concluded that while I used to have a huge problem determining what might or might not be socially acceptable, and I'm often very blunt, I'm very much in the guesser camp.

It's because almost no-one I know grew up in a family where it was okay to say 'no'. In fact, children are often punished for it. So for most people, saying 'no' comes with inherent emotional baggage, and I find that expecting strangers or acquaintances to just say 'no' if they don't like something can range from awesomely open through neutral to insensitive and up to even manipulative. With closer people, one can adjust their request or question to the other person's comfort levels. But I feel that people who expect strangers to be able to say 'no' should provide an easy way to refuse, included within the request.

I normally prefer very open communication but I still filter what I ask of other people, because I feel that what you choose to ask someone to do says a lot about you and your relationship. How close people are. Or think they are - there can be a discrepancy in how each person feels about the relationship, and people from guesser cultures will not like it if a person gets this wrong.

Of course it's suboptimal in that people will not necessarily get what they want, but on the other hand I feel it's more relationship-focused if it's used moderately and not to the extreme. People can and do get pointers about their relationships with others based on their requests.

I actually say 'no' to people fairly often, even if they're in the guesser camp, simply because of self-care and the fact that it's pretty much impossible for people to guess what I'll agree to. I've had people object, get angry etc. but that doesn't change much apart from my often trying to furmulate it sensitively (which often backfires). I hate getting stuck in a situation in which I don't want to be.

So I guess it might be more accurate to say that I'm in the guesser camp for asking the questions and in the asker camp when it comes to getting or giving answers.

Oh neat. I've done things like that. It's actually part of the standard introduction phase for Cuddle Sanctuary events and how they instruct others to host their events.
That's sort of what I mean about balancing. A person can be fully in Ask Culture and still understand that:

• Not everything needs to be said
• Context and phrasing can dramatically change how something is perceived

For example, I mentioned Cuddle Sanctuary. They very much teach Ask Culture, because it's extremely important to consent and to handling situations that are unfamiliar. And the people themselves are very honest and earnest. But they are able to do that in ways that are wonderfully supportive and understanding. Honest and pretty direct, but not so much blunt and not rude. It definitely does require more effort at the outset, but it can make things a lot easier and generally better in the long run.

For your specific example, uh... I tried to establish context for it to make sense, but the more I looked at it, the less it worked as a valid example of Ask vs Guess. I think you're trying to use it as an example of a vague ("Guess") or dishonest answer being better, but by Guess Culture logic, asking that question is, itself, rude. It puts someone on the spot to potentially have to either lie or give an unpleasant answer. Of course, people can certainly be rude within their own type, and even fail to realize it.

And me personally? Despite my tendency toward Guess Culture, I still want honest answers when I do ask questions. And if someone's only ever given me "positive" answers, I develop serious doubts about their honesty. I have a lot more trust in the words of those who have given me unpleasant answers or criticisms. And really, Guess Culture would necessarily have to revolve around having a good understanding of others since it relies on guessing how they are likely to answer, so honesty and volunteered information is extremely valuable.


I wouldn't say it's a debate. *shrugs*

But in the rest of that, there's definitely a point to be had. Another piece I saw about it pointed out contextual differences and made the claim that people tend toward Ask Culture more with strangers (whose opinions are of low importance) and those they are closest to (who they feel most at ease with), and tend toward Guess Culture with all the middling relations (with whom connections are desired, but uncertain, and therefore need more management).

But there is clearly still variety between individuals in how their balance actually comes out, and I'm sure there are those who stick pretty exclusively to one side or the other.

Definitely in the guesser camp myself. I grew up in a very abusive and toxic household for most of my childhood and teen years. Saying 'No' resulted in being hurt or grounded for weeks at a time even if I was simply being honest or trying to protect myself, or was feeling crumby that day and wanted to be alone.

Similarly, saying 'Yes' and/or expressing happiness, joy, was very difficult for me because if I seemed 'too happy' or 'too interested' my abuser would use that against me. So for a long while and even until now I struggle to express my emotions espeically in person to their fullest extent.

Saying 'No' often comes with anxiety about what the other person might say or do to me, and saying 'Yes' comes with anxiety about how I will be perceived. If I will seem happy enough or agreeable enough even if I say yes.

So I spend a lot of time guessing at least in person where I feel the least comfortable going with my gut instinct.

Online I find it a little easier to say yes or not - but primarly, with certain people. If someone is someone I can give a straight forwards yes or no to, this means they mean A LOT to me and have made me feel safe and comfortable.

Granted sometimes I really am uncertain and have to say 'I'm not sure' but that's usually followed up with 'I'll get back to you later.'

When it comes to asking for what I want... I tend to just... not... ask for very many things from very many people. I will avoid putting my opinion in on where friends and I eat. I will wait for someone else to ask to take a break, go eat, ect so that I don't have to. I will wait for someone else to ask the question I need the answer to, or search endlessly until I find someone who has asked what I want to.

Except with a select few people who I trust, love, and feel comfortable with; again, asking them for things plain and simple means I really care about them and they've wiggled their way into a part of my heart and mental well being that isn't wracked with anxiety and trauma.

The one thing I still have trouble with even with the people closest to me... is expressing how happy I am. I'm very uncomfortable expressing extreme happiness and have such a hard time. Hopefully that won't be the case forever.

Ask culture all the way. Maybe some guess sprinkled in, but I think it is only in certain circumstances (like sharing something crazy from my past with someone I recently met), when I'm feeling self-conscious or some sort of way. But I can usually laugh it off.

I get the same way when I have regular RP partners. Sometimes life just gets in the way, or maybe there's no reason at all. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, you're not doing a bad job. If someone is upset with it, it still doesn't mean you're doing a bad job.

At some point I may have been much more of a guesser. But it's so stressful to have to wonder about things all the time, and worry. Adopting the "ask" thing across friends groups and work and everything keeps things consistent which I like. Like, no is a complete sentence and it is important to get what you need. It's totally natural to worry but you gotta fight for your right to party how you want, so don't be afraid to ask / tell.

Also I won't lie I have a pretty solid playlist of "inspirational" youtube videos and music that make me cry lol and they motivate me to be my "best me", it helps a lot if I'm doubting myself or something I'm doing.

I totally didn't mean to post this second comment lol

Yepp! And guess what. That's the kind of thing I went to. It was so amazing, I can't even explain it. It literally makes me tear up. Anyway. *takes a breath*

But they don't use the word "sanctuary" for the one here, but what an apt word choice.


That's fair.

I remember one time she said, "I think there might be a tension between what you want in a friendship, and what I want. Do you think that that might be a problem going forward?" (It was something like that). So she was always polite, but...it was the kind of things you normally don't say outright. I kind of admired her for that. In that case I think it was kind of effective. Although after that I was like, "Are my feelings hurt? I think my feelings are hurt."

But then again one might say, "isn't bringing that up better than investing a bunch of time only to get...like...politely ignored or treated passive aggressively in the hopes that you figure out that they want something different than you do?"

So I guess I feel like Ask Culture is best in those situations -- but it takes so much bravery it seems like. I think I usually default to Guess Culture, even though I think I want to be more Ask Culture.

In another situation, this assertive person had confronted her coworker about what she perceived as her coworker alienating other coworkers by advertising controversial political views. That was a little bit dicier.

But I guess that goes back to what you're saying about not everything needing to be said, so maybe it's not a good example of either one. Maybe I'm thinking ask culture = assertiveness. And maybe that's not exactly right.

Haha...thank you for pointing that out. I'm not sure what my thinking process was--I guess that question would be more of an Ask Culture thing? Because you're literally just asking and expecting a sincere answer.

Idk... anyway--cool topic!