Forums » Smalltalk » I'M DEPRESSED

Please help me, this is not a drill.

whats goin' on?

This is gonna be some rapid fire thoughts because I’m not in the right state of mind and I’m literally just doing whatever I can think of while listening to a coffin dance remix on a loop

A little background about me. I suffer from ptsd, I’m not an army man but a long time ago back in my youth I got pressed into a gang and saw A LOT of violence that 14 year old had no business experiencing. I was stuck there for 3 long ass years until I finally managed to skip town and leave those douche bags gang members behind. The damage was done though, I was hella traumatized and I lived in a constant state of fight or flight, I couldn’t let anyone near me because I thought they wanted to fight me.

The way I copped with this was martial arts. Found a dojo, practiced 3 days a week, kicked some ass and had fun doing it for a change. Life was good

With the recent pandemic my dojo closed down and for the first time in nearly 12 years I’ve gone without sparring anyone. No big deal though right? I could just work out some other way

Well that’s what I thought until I had what has been bar none the worst possible RP experience I’ve ever endured. I won’t mention any names naturally, and they were all wonderful and experienced RPers and great people to talk OOCly

Unfortunately the circumstances of the RP put my characters in less than desirable situations because I had some really bad rolls at the start.

My characters were ridiculed, ignored, cast aside, even if they were in a position of power it meant nothing because of those initial dice rolls meant they were not as cool as they could have otherwise been

But RP is RP right? I’m not my characters and it should not affect me right?

Well, after being snubbed repeatedly my ptsd has flared up in a way it hadn’t in years and now thanks to the pandemic I can’t go to my dojo and find my center. I’ve tried everything I’ve lost track of how many miles I’ve ran trying to shake off the feelings of worthlessness I can literally not take another step from exhaustion and I still feel like I want to bash my head on a wall till my skull cracks like I did once

I can’t even look at my other RPs because I’m paralyzed with fear and doubt, my pride as a writer has been obliterated. I left the RP group naturally but I feel I’m close to shutting down my account on top of that.

What’s worse is that I got a life turning situation in a couple of days where I need to be mentally and physically prep for anything and I’m here in a pool of my own sweat crying bitterly about people making fun of me like if I was a child.

I just want a hard reset... and someone to come and fight me maybe, we could wear hazmat suits..

I can't really say I understand how that feels,I've never had to deal with something like that,But if someone is making fun of your ptsd,then all I can say is report them,and block them,so they don't continue. Its wrong if they are bullying you to the point you are crying.

Now I know how if feels to be cyber bullied...I've been there multiple times,people made fun of me or no real reason at all,they just felt the need to pick on someone,and it wasn't just me they did that to,they did it to those who I was friends with.

And also if you'd like to....we could rp sometime...

I really hope it wasn't our RP that made you feel that way. You're one of my favorite people to RP with as you have that wonderful knack for both driving story and writing compelling characters.

If you decide to shut down your account... I understand. If something's causing you more stress than the enjoyment it's supposed to bring, maybe it's a good thing to step away from it for awhile. But I'll admit that I hope you don't (at least not permanently). I'd sure miss Pint and Conner both (and Xepil too!) .... and their writer. I haven't even gotten to meet all your other creations yet.

I'd don that hazmat suit! (And get my butt kicked... Airsoft or paintball dual maybe? Then I'd have a chance!)

Deep deep breathes.



I want you to understand that we... as people are human. We do and say things all the time. On the internet we don't have a way to read another person's facial expressions as to how they feel. We don't know their backstories.

At the end of the day this is just a website platform to connect people in games. Not all games are going to be fun. I have had my fair share of people i thought were my new best friends here turning on me in a 180 and blocking me for something I didn't even do.
I have had my account as a player and characters ridiculed too. I dont blame any of them for what happened because misunderstandings online are extremely common.

It sounds like the quarantine is impacting you greatly and its pouring into RPR related anxieties. So its confusing to see where the source of your depression is coming from.


With PTSD, I have had it so i 100% understand. While i still have occasional rare flareups im mostly recovered thanks to certain exercises. There are things you can do that no one here is qualified to provide or has the tools to give. The only thing I can offer is I learned these exercises through PTSD workbooks you can buy off amazon and they help you go step by step in managing it. It might be a great benefit to feel like you have some level of control over it.

But RPR is not a place that should rule your life and emotions.Take a deep breathe, step away from the computer... It sounds like you need to take a break. not delete your account but hit that log off button and reset. There are ton of other things you can do... go play another game for a while... journal your feelings, take a very long nice walk or maybe a few for a few days. You can still go outside even in quarantine and fresh air helps a lot.
When you feel oozing with a sense of calm come back and talk to your favorite people OOC... start some friendly conversations and get comfortable with some players. I did that and I made some amazing friends who are super understanding about everything and I am 100% comfortable roleplaying anything with them... nadi f life happens they totes get it.

And in time if your brave, branch out to one new person at a time until you begin to feel more comfortable. Not everyone does.. and that's ok too.

Thanks everyone, your support has made me feel like I’ve stabilized. Maybe I might have another episode but if I do I’ll remember everyone’s comments to hang in there


Squad Morale Restored

Hey Mordos. The thing about PTSD is that it’s so easy for every conflict to spin someone up to the maximum. Then one doesn’t want to back down, because they shouldn’t need to. And they don’t feel the situation was right in what seems like everyone is joining up against them.

But I’ll say try your best not to take it personal. Know many people enjoy your writing, characters and persona. It is definitely rough to understand this. It’s also good to focus on your breathing, slow in and out. And find your center. Music or even nature sound tracks can help with this. Maybe even a funny podcast.

Pint is so awesome, by the way. I wish we could get a dwarven group going!

I saw this last night and almost commented but I was a tad bit drunk and wasn’t sure anything I would have said would have helped.

Today seeing your explanation and the sage words of Mipps, Jet, & Juls, it couldn’t have been said better. I’m playing a tabletop board war game called Squad Leader and sometimes even the strongest leaders ‘break’ in combat. It is good to see that you have ‘rallied’ and are back in the fight.

Stay here, my friend, we still have to embark on many more stories!
They will never come to be if you are not here to share them with me!

* send a dwarven salute and a big virtual hug too! *

Sod yeah, me ladz! A grand dwarven fortress we shall build!!

@Shadow Ranger

Thanks! But I really can't take credit for it since it's a quote from Warhammer 40k. Thought it fit the situation!

Ohhh Mordos I was unaware you had to cope with feelings like this. You're one of my favorite people to write with, the attention to detail and the way you put so much effort in fights its really exciting and admirable. I can't help but think that one of our rps went the way you described, still I don't want you to think that the way my characters behave is a way to put you in ridicule or shame IRL...I'm not that of a heavy fight focused writer and I just avoid what could turn into a dispute of power between characters to not give chance to an unhealthy feeling of competition. I don't mind downing npcs pro and fro to make our characters steal the spotlight and be OP, still I want you to know that fights in RP doesn't come near to your value as a person. You're fun, skilled, pay attention to detail, you put so much effort in your characters to the point I do feel intimidated a bit by how they react. You have proven to be an outstanding rper and a lovable writter! You're worth more than an Rp that went bad, its normal for people to not 'click' in their writtings, some people styles aren't compatible and that's ok! I'm happy you opened up to the community and have the courage to express your feelings. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel less worthy or give the impression of being ridiculed it was never my intention to make you feel like that, I do enjoy unexpected twist, goofy moments, teasing characters and just try to have overall fun with the people I'm Rping with. Rp shouldn't feel as a burden nor something you should feel doubt or feel scared off. There no way to RP correctly, it's your style alone that gives it value. You're an outstanding rper, a valuable person and a real brave individual! Don't let an rp drag you down...don't let a bad experience outweight all the good you have created. Taluna is one of my favorite characters to RP with buts thats only because you are the one piloting her behind the screen ^^. Sending Many manly hugs and playful arm punches your way! Keep being amazing and show who's boss just the way you always do ^^ Take care Mordos! I wish only the best for you and that you say safe during this outbreak.

Gracias amigo.

Although I do not know you personally, reading through the experiences you listed made me feel like I should help in any way I could.
I do not suffer from ptsd, but I do have severe depression and anxiety, as well as suffering from Bipolar disorder.

I cannot day I understand your plight in completeness, but I can say that people will always be around to support and assist you. I know how difficult it can be to open up, and how incredibly hard it is to overcome fear and such, so I bid you to never give up.
You seem to me, though I know practically nothing of you, to be a strong, determined person. And I honor that.

Those memories and fears from your past? Yes, they are important. And harsh. But they’ve made you and morphed you. And do not think for one moment it was for the worst.
Suffering through the things you have listed sounds like Hell. But being able to read them and knowing you’ve made it this far? That proves you are strong, determined, and deep down, brave and important.

Do not ever give up.
Never fall to your fear.
I know that sounds rude or harsh, and I know it can’t always be controlled, but fight back.

You may not be able to fight physically in these times, but the mental battles you are faced with would provide a bigger reward than any fight if won.

Keep on Fighting.

With much support and hope,
Bunny
(Aka, XBITTERSWEET)

Thx for the kind words, m8. At least I can guarantee that no matter what happens I’ll keep fighting

My dear, while we barely know eachother it pains me to see you struggle and I’m very sorry that you have to go through this.

I fear I do not own a hazmat suit, but if ordering it was my only problem I’d order one right now and get over there. While I’m not sure if I’d be a worthy opponent, I’d give it a shot if you would. Sadly enough the airports are closed too so there is no way for me to get there.

That being said, I’ve definetly felt similarly before even if I have not experienced the same rough past. I’ve always been level-headed when it came to keeping OOC separated from IC and never really worried about things that happened IC until I had the unlucky experience of meeting people that did not keep this seperate and that used IC actions for the purpose of showing their true feelings while pretending we were thick as thieves OOC...

After that situation blew up, I have to admit that I was reading into some IC things far too much and I often even paused and asked my partner to reassure me that their IC actions did not portray their OOC feelings. It was a struggle to work through so no matter how much we personally might seperate OOC and IC interactions, I know that IC interactions can definetly affect us depending on former experiences and our mental wellbeing.

Aside from that, my OC’s mean the world to me. Some of them are merely my creations and therefor already significant, others are like children to me. Their stories matter and so do their feelings and it pains me to see them get hurt. I’d never blame my OOC partner for it either, but I can definetly see how your character feeling left out can cause for you to have emotions regarding that as well. We, as players are only human after all.

I hope your emotional outlet will become available to you once more soon. In the meantime, feel free to come and talk to me over here or on discord. Even when the outlet is there again, I’m here for you and willing to listen.

Take good care of yourself, remember that you too are loved and that you’re much more than your past. Our illness does not define us!

Stay strong dear 🌹

I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a bad patch, MordosKull, but very glad to hear that you're feeling a little better.

I am also touched by and grateful for the responses that everyone here posted. Thank you, all, for contributing such kind words to MordosKull and helping him out.

Since this thread has done its part and had a good resolution, I'm going to lock it now. I want MordosKull to be able to reference it if he needs to, but the RPR is not equipped to be a mental health crisis response resource.

If anyone reading this finds it necessary in the future, please check out our mental health resource list for some suggestions about things you can do to improve your state of mind, as well as numerous professional mental health resources available online, or by phone in many countries. Please, take care of yourselves.