Forums » Smalltalk » AMA: Non-Binary Gender Identity

Genderfluid - Having two or more gender states which a person moves between. The most obvious examples are those who shift between male and female gender identities, but it can also include (even exclusively) agender, bigender, more vague non-binary states, demigenders, etc. And yes, it tends to be pretty frustrating for us to try to keep track of, too.

Fluidflux - In queer communities, "flux" is commonly used to refer to shifting along a scale of intensity. The term "genderflux" is uncommon and probably better represented among the demigenders, but it would be like adjusting brightness/darkness to genderfluid being hue selection. Fluidflux is a hyperspecific term describing someone who experiences different genders and experiences them in differing intensities. It's not a term you're likely to see outside of certain gender communities, nor does it even appear much within them. It's basically just a support term for helping folks of a given identity categorize (to better understand/express/explain) how their experiences differ from others with the same identity.

Sort of a mixed answer, maybe?

I kinda like getting the chance to talk to folks about it, whether everyone is sharing or I'm telling someone who doesn't understand it so well about it, at least so long as I'm not receiving any (real or imagined) negativity (which includes just plain feeling like someone is tired of hearing me talking in general). Circumstances there can make things a bit mixed.

But unless someone seems interested, I usually don't like having to explain myself. Even when they do seem interested, I can get really nervous about it. In my case, it's mostly for "dumb" reasons, too. (I do consider them valid reasons, but I do also tend to judge myself for them.) I'm honestly pretty dang lucky.

I'm pretty passively open about it. So far, this has been fine. Most folks have either been supportive or just overall shrugged it off, and it helps that I only barely count as having gender dysphoria (a therapist actually assured me my experiences still counted) and mostly only get bothered in the rare times someone has intentionally pushed against it.

But thanks to mental health stuff, I get really self-conscious when telling other queer folks how relatively easy I have things; when discussing it with people who give me the vibe (or basically state outright) that they're specifically following rules about it (formal or just social); or when I'm just generally asked my preferences. Mental health issues still leave me terrified of the idea of being a burden on anyone, I remain stuck with frequent imposter syndrome, and I don't... exactly... have preferences on most things. Pronouns has been the key example. There have been a number of times now when people have asked me my pronouns (which is great!), and I often feel bad for not helping to normalize keeping pronouns in some readily visible place. But fact is... between both my passiveness and the whole fluid thing, no pronouns that aren't being intentionally used with intent to harm really bother me much, and none of the options I have available feel necessarily "right" or better than any others. Admittedly, part of that is that sense of being a burden issue, but it's not just that.

I'm not sure what I've typed so far, I've been multitasking like crazy so I'm just going to hope the above makes sense and is relevant so far. Apologies if not. I'm pretty sure I haven't focused on the medical professionals thing yet, though. Lemme actually focus properly for a moment here...

My experience so far with medical professionals hasn't had much of anything I feel like I, need to complain about, though I can spot some instances where someone with worse dysphoria would be troubled. For the past few years, pretty much all my medical stuff has gone through one big system (Kaiser Permanente). When I first told a therapist I was seeing of my realization I was non-binary, they offered to add it to my file (although the only way they had to do that was as a "condition") that all the medical staff I'd see there would be able to see, and it is indeed there now. When I've been in their buildings, though most restrooms are still male/female divided, they feature signs by the entries directing people to use the one they feel matches their identity. They have a "Gender Pathways Clinic" that was as easy to visit as any of their other non-referral services; through that, I've talked to both a medical doctor with a gender specialization and a gender therapist. I definitely think the way it's set up could use some improvement, but it's still a good thing to have easy access to. Since adding the non-binary thing to my file, sometimes I'm asked for pronouns, sometimes I'm not; I was when I had to go to the emergency room a little while back (dislocated jaw), and they explained that they needed to all be able to use the same pronoun for me for clarity, while a separate doctor I recently saw just went with an assumption and actually came across like she neither understood nor could care less about gender stuff (like, not against it, just plain did not care).

So... basically, because of how I am about things, medical staff actually stress me the most when they're being overtly accommodating. As I get more used to it, though, I'm able to just appreciate it better. I'm passive enough that I don't feel the need to correct pronouns and am okay just using the more familiar restroom, I haven't had any staff push against me about it, and the only ones I've really explained much about my experiences to have been those I willingly chose to see for that exact purpose.

...apologies for the long post.

A massive part of my socialization has been online, and even focusing on my more "primary," multi-location names, that's still... multiple names. I'm kinda used to having multiple names from a strictly social standpoint, even though offline, I haven't had many.

Not long before I decided to change my name, I also had a job that required using an at least partly false name for security purposes (the cuddling), and I followed that with using the same false name public-facing at another job just in case I were to run into a client who recognized me. Few of my coworkers ever even knew my birth name there. (I don't say deadname because it doesn't really bother me, it just feels like another in a string.)

As a bonus, I wasn't super into my birth name anyway. No big issue, just lots of little annoyances (an attempt to make it "unique" meant it was rare I could find those preprinted name keepsake sorts of things with my name; an internet search for my name mostly brought up results for a porn star; I was named after a song that, if you know the lyrics, is kinda depressing; that sorta thing).

So my starting place with all that might be pretty different from yours, I don't know. I had no significant emotional attachment to my name.

The parts I did have concerns about:

• Navigating the legal process (in my state, turned out to be super simple; some states have some obnoxious rules about it, though)
• Updating everything (this is an ongoing pain for a mix of reasons, some of which are just incidental things)
• Getting others in my life to use the new name (this has gone much smoother than expected)
• Actually picking a name and getting used to answering to it (again, less issue than I expected)

I don't know if you're only planning to do a social change or a legal change at this point. I felt I'd have an easier time getting cooperation with the change if I made it legal, but you may feel otherwise.

Some of the things I've come out seeing as "issues" to some degree:

• Changing your whole name at once is a terrible idea. I'm currently multiple people because the big credit companies that get used for background checks, IDing you, etc are confused and I'm still trying to clean that up. Admittedly, I'm sure that's partly on me for all my procrastination. This might not have been as much of an issue as it has been if not for covid interrupting some of the things I need to do. I also wouldn't be as aware of this issue if not for certain services I have which are also currently confused.
• A lot of websites either don't allow name changes, make it some sort of difficult process, or only update it in one of apparently multiple places in their database. For example, on the health insurance marketplace, I was able to update my name on my application, which was passed onto my actual insurance, but the site itself still shows my old name. Even when I tried calling them about it, they insisted that my name had been updated, apparently only looking at the application and not the name on my account.
• I know there's the meme about enbies choosing weird names, but... looking at "normal" name options, especially while trying to avoid cultural appropriation issues, there aren't really very many options to choose from for gender-neutral names. Of the ones there are, a lot of them still tend to heavily stick to one gender, usually female, so it's hard to escape that. The name I ended up going with is also really common in enby communities as a result, and I admit I'm mildly bummed about that. It's also usually seen on the feminine side.
• Of course, people tend to dislike having to suddenly change how they refer to you, with it being harder the longer they've known you. It's good to plan on a grace period. It's also good to be prepared for resistance, but don't assume resistance.
• My old name still draws my attention. In specific cases where something about the situation makes it interesting, I also tend to get a compulsion to share it with folks who don't know it, and have to keep reminding myself how that misses the point and isn't worth whatever brief entertainment I might get.

But even with the difficulties, I am glad to have my new name, and it felt sort of freeing all the way from the moment I had made my decision. The process of picking one was interestingly... iunno, positive in away, too. First there was gathering up all these options that I got to pick for what meaning it had to me, and then I had to narrow things out, which meant dropping options for whatever incredibly arbitrary reasons I wanted. Like my distaste for capital cursive H. I mean, I didn't always like removing some options, but I feel like it was overall a good process to have gone through.

...why am I giving such long answers to such short, simple questions? @_@

I have memories of being baffled as a kid when learning things like girls and boys are supposed to wear their socks differently. (Not just different socks, different designs, but actually worn differently.) I remember (as an AFAB person) usually getting along with boys a little more easily than with girls (although always an outcast in general), and just figuring boys must just be less judgemental, and maybe it's because I have brothers but no sisters. I remember being called a tomboy one day and being excited to pick out a pretty new dress for Easter the next (yes, stereotypes, I know). I remember getting on board with feminism long before I knew the word, way back in elementary, because I didn't like [insert various misogynistic stereotypes for "good" little girls here].

I've always been very self-conscious about my body, to the point that in PE, I either wouldn't change (luckily I don't sweat much even when they could get me to actually participate to any significant degree) or I'd change in the bathroom stalls. The most I ever managed to do in front of anyone was a partial strip, wedged in a corner, doing be best to cover myself while hoping I wasn't being too obvious about it. Part (but certainly not all) of the issue was that I have always been extra hairy for an AFAB person, and people clearly noticed.

Skipping forward past confusion over both confusion over what "the deal" was with hypothetical trans folks and confusion over why anyone else made such a fuss about it or ever think it made it okay to mistreat them...

Around the time I discovered I'm ace is when I first got a better introduction to the subject of transgender (as in, from people not biased against it) and the first time I learned of the concept of nonbinary. I was already in my mid-20s at this point. My exploration got limited in part because I still had not, to my awareness, ever met a trans or nonbinary person in-person (so it remained this obscure concept to me), and in part because... well... the best way I'd yet figured out to express anything was to mention that I sorta really wished that I could be something like female-presenting intersex, and I was informed that that was rude and disrespectful of the struggles of intersex people.

Over the next few years, I finally got to know someone who I was aware was trans, and someone I met around the same time later came out as nonbinary. Thanks to them and their circles, plus finding other communities focused on it, I started getting a better understanding. Initially, I took up the demigirl label, but the definition explained to me didn't seem to fit. Landed on genderfluid but remained unsure. Went round and round between doubts and feeling sure I wasn't cis, but kept finding myself shifting on what label seemed best even then. Finally had the facepalm realization I am experiencing different gender states, this is why what makes any sense and feels any kind of correct keeps changing, this is why I can't make sense of my own blasted reasoning from one point to another, this is genderfluid.

Doubts still like to creep in at times, but things have been... nicer since that. I've got the logic I need to make things make enough sense. I've been finding myself more comfortable with my body. Heck, there were things I hoped would be pretty minimal and expected to just tolerate when I decided to go on T, like body & facial hair, but I've actually found myself admiring the thickening scruff on my chin and whatnot (even though I also want it to not exist sometimes). So hey, more appreciation of my body now, in a way that's additionally validating!

If I had a lingering point to grump over, it'd be my inability to just shapeshift. Partly because it'd be nicer than trying to decide where my best "middle" point is to be able to present as broadly as I want, and partly because some aspects just can't be changed (like the massive hips of this pear-shaped body I've got). Heh... shapeshifting has always been my dream power.