Forums » Smalltalk » AMA - Former Adolescent Caregiver

Hi y’all!

I wracked my brain for a bit on a subject and decided this may suffice as something I can talk about.

There are countless adolescents who have to juggle their school and social lives with helping their disabled family members, and I was one of those folks. From ages 13 to 28 I was an unpaid family caregiver to two different sets of grandparents in two different households, and with that came a sharp learning curve and the fascinating psychological ups and downs to go with it.

AMA.

That's such a young age to be burdened with that kind of responsibility! How did you cope with the stress, and what was most helpful/supportive for you during that period of your life?

My question is going to be veering into what may be a problematic stereotype. If it's a rude or problematic question, you are absolutely welcome to tell me that, or to ignore it, or to just thwack me and walk away. Hopefully I can at least word it well enough to provide an opportunity for productive communication. I'm not sure if this will be something you have answer for, though.

I think I've known others, too, but I've known two folks who have had to act as adolescent caregivers who stand out in my mind. In both cases, they were young men who were responsible for taking care of their mothers. (Next sentence extra ugly, mentions abuse.) In at least one case (possibly both, I don't remember well enough), some of the issues involved additionally had mother sometimes abusing son in various ways. In both cases, I could see good hearts and smart minds in these guys after getting to know them well enough, but both knowingly (yes, confirmed it) acted out in school and such, fashioning themselves into supposed problem students who don't care about anything as part of their coping.

Do you feel this is common, or a stereotype? Do you feel this makes sense compared to your experiences?

Honestly I coped poorly with stress because I didn’t know how to cope, and that’s a struggle that still plagues me to this day! Oof.

What helped and supported me though—but admittedly lead to my introvert personality later—was having an online community of friends to fall back on. It was a support network, even if it was just a small escapism away from caregiving until someone called my name from down the hallway again.

I’ll freely admit that I never delved deeply into other caregivers’ personal experiences long enough to get a big worldview, so I’m not confident my answer will suffice! (Leading back to answering Auberon, I didn’t cope well, and that lead to avoidance of the matter as soon as I was truly on my own).

Spoiler for abuse, sorta: I didn’t really connect the dots until last year, but my parents were neglectful—they took care of my maternal grandmother’s food/bills/schedule, but I was the physical presence needed to run the day-to-day. As for grandma, we often butted-heads as two stubborn mules, which lead to verbal abuse between us.

I became VERY frustrated, but I never struck her or called her names or wished she’d die. Usually it was public nervous breakdowns and meltdowns. Nothing I’m proud of regardless.

I did have poor grades, but it wasn’t coping—I just burned out so hard that I stopped caring, and the poor coping of hanging out online was 100% more appealing than facing my failing grades. I never acted out in class; I was a friendly if quiet student.