Forums » Smalltalk » AMA: Polyamory (and my monogamous partner)

Hello there!

For ten years I've known it about myself: I am polyamorous.

To me, that is a daily reality and something that isn't even odd anymore. To some others? It's a shock and taboo. I think that in this day and age, polyamory isn't as looked upon or strange as it used to be. We see it more often in media and series (such as "You Me Her") and even though shows as "Sister wives" are still very popular and known, a single man that has multiple wives is no longer the polyamorous standard.

What is polyamory? Well, I'll let google explain that to you because it means different things to different people. Google says:

"The practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved."

Thank you google.

To me personally? It means that I can love people without being limited in my love, something that makes me a whole lot happier as I have way too much love to give. I'll admit that I am personally more drawn to the romantic side than the sexual side, but there's nothing wrong with either of them.

So here we are. I'm 23 and I'm in multiple, loving and caring relationships. I'm happy.
But there is one slightly tricky part that amazes many people: My primary (and the partner I live with), is strictly monogamous.

There we go, this is what I am about. Do you have any questions? Feel free to ask them and I'll answer them to the best of my ability. Just here to read and follow the thread? Great! Grab a chair and make yourself comfortable.

Lots of love,

Syl

May I ask how they come to accept your polyamory? Did it take time to reach that point or were they understanding and quick to accept it?

Having experience with a polyamorous/open relationship with my 1st wife, my questions pertains to your “tricky part”.
How is your primary partner’s acceptance of your other partners?
Did your primary partner know you were polyamorous when you got together?

Hi there! Thank you for your interest! ^w^
I'm happy that I get to answer your questions, they are all good ones!

I will provide one answer for these two, as I feel like the answer to either of them will cover the other as well.
When my partner and I met and got together, it took us a few days before we actually "defined" our relationship. Before that, we acted as if we already were a couple and the emotions were there. We just hadn't given it a name yet, and as someone who has been in "situationships" that were undefined and without spoken expectations before, I personally found it important to discuss these expectations.

So after a few days, we sat down and we spoke. On that moment, I put my own cards on the table and I said that I needed him to know that I was polyamorous before we even continued speaking about other expectations. This was partially to protect myself but also to protect him, as I felt it was unfair to keep it a secret. Me being polyamorous could (and also did) affect how the rest of that conversation went, so it was best to start that conversation as an open book.

I explained to him what being polyamorous meant to me. What I needed and desired and expected in order for our relationship to work. He actually took it really well even though it was the first time he'd had a partner that was polyamorous, and he in exchange discussed his desires and expectations with me. We discussed limits, rules and boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. We spoke about exactly how open he wanted me to be about my other partners, about whether or not he wished for me to stick to other relationships or have loose flings. As I'm personally more romantically inclined, we quickly figured out it would be other relationships and defined things that he was fully aware about. No loose flings are in order. I then allowed him to ask me any questions he wanted to ask about it and we agreed that we'd see how it went. If after a while, we'd figure out that it wasn't working then we'd be honest about that and part ways.

I told him before we were "officially" an item and before either of us told our parents that we were a couple. They did figure out that we were seeing each other before that but we definitely waited to introduce each other to our families until we were sure about what we wanted out of it and whether or not that was realistic. I can honestly say that he's been very quick in accepting and adapting to it, far more quick than I expected him to be.


In general, I'd say he's very accepting of it. Whether or not he wants details often times depends on his mood, and he'll ask me rather randomly about them instead of just wanting to know everything there is to know from the very start. I do tell him whenever I engage in a new relationship and give him the basic rundown about the new partner and our dynamic, but while it's all out in the open and available for him to see and learn about, he tends to let things go their way and focus on us instead. I can say that he's met some of my partners, although as a majority of them were long distance he mostly just spoke to them over the phone or over video chat. With some, he got along great and I do believe that if the circumstances under which they'd met were different they could've been great friends. With others, he didn't get along that well but he felt like the way they treated me was more important than how he personally felt about them.

I think the biggest thing when it comes to his acceptance is balance. As long as I can balance the time and energy I spent on each partner out rather evenly and never make him feel like he's an afterthought, he's happy. It's definitely hierarchical polyamory and I don't think he could deal with my other relationships being as intense as my relationship with him is. He puts me on the first place, and I do believe that it's important for him that I put him on the first place too.

Thanks for your answers! I find it interesting how you and your main have worked it out for your mutual happiness!Sounds like you have a good working understanding between you both.

In my case it was a bit more disorganised and didn’t weather too well. My wife got to preferring me to be monogamous while she was polyamorous and so the whole equality in the relationship broke down.