I realize I disappeared all of a sudden and for a long time, at least it feels like a long time to me. I know I ghosted several people at the time also, and for that I apologize. It wasn't my intention to just vanish and I'll be addressing my now stagnant rps individually here soon. I'm posting here now for two reasons, one is to apologize for that disappearance, and the other is to explain it a little and progress a journey I've started while I was gone, which is largely the reason for my accidental hiatus.
I dealt a lot with depression growing up, but after counseling and some personal steps I took to control my emotional state, after years of trying I finally felt it was something I had conquered. I won't pretend it was all gone, but it reached a state in which I was able to manage it and it didn't feel like something that was leading me out of control. That ended about two years ago now when for what seemed like no reason my best friend took his life very suddenly and unexpectedly. Depression returned, and this time it didn't feel like it was going away.
It didn't either, and for the next two years things felt worse and worse, and a lot of the ways I had handled it before stopped working entirely. I relied a lot on rp for a while to help distract me until I felt that stopped working too. It became a chore I had to do, much like any of the other things I enjoyed prior as well. One thing in particular that felt like it flew out of control, was dysphoria. It was something I never discussed with anyone up to that point, simply trying to manage it privately when I could, and otherwise having some bad days over it I could explain away using whatever excuse was relevant to my life at the time.
Finally I decided I had to face it, after days and weeks of thinking about it. It took a long time to bring it up to the first person I could think of, my wife. To my surprise she looked at me and said very simply, "Oh I know." She knew? 0.0 It came as a shock to me for her to already know I was trans when even I couldn't bring myself to accept it, and honestly it made the rest of the discussion we had a whole lot easier. It didn't end there, either. I've discussed this with a small support group who all had feelings this may be the case, and regardless have supported the idea fully. That was the beginning of turning a corner for me personally.
In the past weeks I've been slowly progressing in a direction I feel has slowly been elating my mood. I'm seeking therapy now, something I've neglected for too long, and slowly I've worked my way back here, the next step I feel is appropriate. The past couple of years I've been here, RPR has been the best community I've ever been a part of, and I feel a bit ashamed of disappearing in a time like this. I'm still scared of publicly outing myself, but I felt like this was the most appropriate place in the world to start. So I thought the first place to publicly out myself as trans would have to be RPR.
I dealt a lot with depression growing up, but after counseling and some personal steps I took to control my emotional state, after years of trying I finally felt it was something I had conquered. I won't pretend it was all gone, but it reached a state in which I was able to manage it and it didn't feel like something that was leading me out of control. That ended about two years ago now when for what seemed like no reason my best friend took his life very suddenly and unexpectedly. Depression returned, and this time it didn't feel like it was going away.
It didn't either, and for the next two years things felt worse and worse, and a lot of the ways I had handled it before stopped working entirely. I relied a lot on rp for a while to help distract me until I felt that stopped working too. It became a chore I had to do, much like any of the other things I enjoyed prior as well. One thing in particular that felt like it flew out of control, was dysphoria. It was something I never discussed with anyone up to that point, simply trying to manage it privately when I could, and otherwise having some bad days over it I could explain away using whatever excuse was relevant to my life at the time.
Finally I decided I had to face it, after days and weeks of thinking about it. It took a long time to bring it up to the first person I could think of, my wife. To my surprise she looked at me and said very simply, "Oh I know." She knew? 0.0 It came as a shock to me for her to already know I was trans when even I couldn't bring myself to accept it, and honestly it made the rest of the discussion we had a whole lot easier. It didn't end there, either. I've discussed this with a small support group who all had feelings this may be the case, and regardless have supported the idea fully. That was the beginning of turning a corner for me personally.
In the past weeks I've been slowly progressing in a direction I feel has slowly been elating my mood. I'm seeking therapy now, something I've neglected for too long, and slowly I've worked my way back here, the next step I feel is appropriate. The past couple of years I've been here, RPR has been the best community I've ever been a part of, and I feel a bit ashamed of disappearing in a time like this. I'm still scared of publicly outing myself, but I felt like this was the most appropriate place in the world to start. So I thought the first place to publicly out myself as trans would have to be RPR.
First of all, welcome back! Honestly, I've missed you and was wondering how you were doing. I assumed things had just gotten real busy, and it sounds like they had in even more ways than I'd imagined.
Second, congrats both on being able to come to terms with the parts of yourself you needed to, and for having a partner probably literally as supportive as you could hope for! Best of luck to you moving forward, friend. ^v^
Second, congrats both on being able to come to terms with the parts of yourself you needed to, and for having a partner probably literally as supportive as you could hope for! Best of luck to you moving forward, friend. ^v^
Ey m8, I’m glad to hear from ya again even if you’ve been going through some struggles. If you ever need to talk I’m here for ya.
It's okay Voldarian and welcome back. We understand and please try your best to stay strong. You are a great person and I hope you know that because it's a true fact.
I am so glad to know you're alive and...getting well I suppose I should say. I am so incredibly proud of you for coming out as you are. It's not easy figuring this stuff out, even harder telling people, even when we know they love us and would never abandon us. There's still that fear there.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your therapy and your journey
I wish you all the luck in the world with your therapy and your journey
Sometimes we need some time to ourselves and away from everything, even if it's from things we usually love and are passionate about. Depression can be a pain and a dark cloud above a wonderful paradise. I'm glad you took that time and that you feel okay enough to return now as I did miss you.
As for your coming out, I hope you know how extremely proud I am of you. I know it wasn't an easy journey to take and that you worried a lot about how people would respond but you did it anyway and even though I look at you and see a soulmate or a platonic spouse, I feel as proud as a parent now when their child has their first performance in a soccer game or dancing group.
I will always support you, cheer you on and have your back. I love you, unconditionally.
Warmest of hugs in this cold season.
Syl
As for your coming out, I hope you know how extremely proud I am of you. I know it wasn't an easy journey to take and that you worried a lot about how people would respond but you did it anyway and even though I look at you and see a soulmate or a platonic spouse, I feel as proud as a parent now when their child has their first performance in a soccer game or dancing group.
I will always support you, cheer you on and have your back. I love you, unconditionally.
Warmest of hugs in this cold season.
Syl
We have never talked but I support you!! Stay safe and strong even though it can be hard, and I wish u lots of luck on ur journey
Good to see you back mate. Hoping things will flow better for you from here on out.
Congratulations on your learning and growth, and welcome to this newer and truer you that is emerging. 
Before I go making assumptions, may I ask your pronouns?
Before I go making assumptions, may I ask your pronouns?
Zelphyr wrote:
Congratulations on your learning and growth, and welcome to this newer and truer you that is emerging. Before I go making assumptions, may I ask your pronouns?
Before I go making assumptions, may I ask your pronouns?You know I'm not sure honestly....while I much prefer she/her, I'm still deemed he/him by society as I'm still not publicly out yet in my personal life. Somehow I feel almost guilty switching them here and not there and I'm not even sure why.
Voldarian_Empire wrote:
Zelphyr wrote:
Congratulations on your learning and growth, and welcome to this newer and truer you that is emerging. Before I go making assumptions, may I ask your pronouns?
Before I go making assumptions, may I ask your pronouns?You know I'm not sure honestly....while I much prefer she/her, I'm still deemed he/him by society as I'm still not publicly out yet in my personal life. Somehow I feel almost guilty switching them here and not there and I'm not even sure why.
Don't feel guilty about bein' you!
Vold, I'm so, so proud of you, and it's great to see you back! Coming out isn't easy, and I'm so glad you have the support of your wife and hopefully soon a therapist. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk!
You know I'm not sure honestly....while I much prefer she/her, I'm still deemed he/him by society as I'm still not publicly out yet in my personal life. Somehow I feel almost guilty switching them here and not there and I'm not even sure why.
I totally understand where you're coming from, but there's no need to feel guilty! Coming out in stages is absolutely fine, and in fact, that's how many people do it--it's definitely how I did! I came out as NB in my online circles in 2006 or 2007, but didn't make a formal coming out announcement to my real-life friends until 2012 (though some already knew).
Coming out isn't easy, and I'm so glad you have the support of your wife and hopefully soon a therapist. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk!Voldarian_Empire wrote:
Zelphyr wrote:
Congratulations on your learning and growth, and welcome to this newer and truer you that is emerging. Before I go making assumptions, may I ask your pronouns?
Before I go making assumptions, may I ask your pronouns?You know I'm not sure honestly....while I much prefer she/her, I'm still deemed he/him by society as I'm still not publicly out yet in my personal life. Somehow I feel almost guilty switching them here and not there and I'm not even sure why.
I totally understand where you're coming from, but there's no need to feel guilty! Coming out in stages is absolutely fine, and in fact, that's how many people do it--it's definitely how I did! I came out as NB in my online circles in 2006 or 2007, but didn't make a formal coming out announcement to my real-life friends until 2012 (though some already knew).
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted here and messaged me privately. It's very helpful for me personally to see the love and support you've all shared and it really means a lot to me. RPR is got to be the best community of peoples out there.
This is an absolute truth, and something I fight with all the time. Even knowing the answer, sometimes asking the question feels next to impossible.
I know that to be true, and I have no doubt you know the feeling is mutual. I'm not sure where I'd be without you at this point but it's something I don't even want to imagine. I'm certain I have made life progress based solely on the fact you are my best friend
after some thought, and reading what Avitra and Heimdall said, I think I'd prefer she/her pronouns at this point. I think coming out in stages as Heimdall stated is probably a good way for me to go, and this feels like an appropriate next step given I'm coming out here after all
That actually makes me feel a lot better. Sometimes I feel like I should be coming out faster for some inexplicable reason so it's nice to hear about how others have taken their time in the process also. Thanks a lot for your kind words and thanks a ton for sharing your personal experience with me
MercyInReach wrote:
It's not easy figuring this stuff out, even harder telling people, even when we know they love us and would never abandon us. There's still that fear there.
This is an absolute truth, and something I fight with all the time. Even knowing the answer, sometimes asking the question feels next to impossible.
SylOfficial wrote:
I will always support you, cheer you on and have your back. I love you, unconditionally.
I know that to be true, and I have no doubt you know the feeling is mutual. I'm not sure where I'd be without you at this point but it's something I don't even want to imagine. I'm certain I have made life progress based solely on the fact you are my best friend
Zelphyr wrote:
may I ask your pronouns?
after some thought, and reading what Avitra and Heimdall said, I think I'd prefer she/her pronouns at this point. I think coming out in stages as Heimdall stated is probably a good way for me to go, and this feels like an appropriate next step given I'm coming out here after all
Heimdall wrote:
Coming out in stages is absolutely fine, and in fact, that's how many people do it--it's definitely how I did! I came out as NB in my online circles in 2006 or 2007, but didn't make a formal coming out announcement to my real-life friends until 2012 (though some already knew).
Yeah, stages are very common!
Again, congrats.
Again, congrats.
welcome back, Vold! much like everyone else, ill support you no matter what
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