Posted by Kim on December 4, 2024, 9:00am
We all want to believe that we're the type of person that people can come to and be frank with. That if someone has a problem with us or something that we've done, they can of course just tell us. And if no one has called us out on anything? It must mean we haven't done anything even a little wrong. If it's been a long time since we've been asked to explain ourselves, it's very easy to be shocked and feel it's a fluke when it finally does happen. Surely, people have problems with us so rarely, it's a sign that the other person is in the wrong when they express hurt at something we've done, no? They should stop being so sensitive.Being able to speak up when you feel something isn't going great, even when the person you're approaching is a friend, is actually a difficult skill for most to learn. It takes practice. So it isn't so surprising that it doesn't always happen that often. And similarly, being able to receive constructive feedback, sometimes especially when it comes from a friend, is also a whole skillset of its own!
There's a big overlap between those two skillsets, though, and it's called distress tolerance.
Distress tolerance describes a person's ability to cope with their own feelings of emotional distress. It's part of a person's ability to get through an emotional incident without...
- Denying it's happening and thereby prolonging it or ensuring that it repeats itself
- Becoming defensive and trying to downplay or deflect blame rather than address root causes
- Going on the offensive to change the emotional tone of the encounter ("Oh yeah, well YOU'RE a much bigger jerk than me!")
- Generally making it worse
I know we can all think of situations where someone came to us with a concern, and we didn't react as well as we could have. The good news is that once we acknowledge that, we can try to do better next time... and we can get started preparing to do better next time right now! It turns out that distress tolerance is a skill that can be learned and practiced.
That's awesome, because people with low distress tolerance tend to get overwhelmed by stress, and often turn to self-destructive coping mechanisms. On the flip side, high distress tolerance tends to be a predictor of better success in all kinds of relationships.
In general, the first step to building better distress tolerance is incorporating some mindfulness techniques into your life, so that when negative emotions come up, you can recognize them and approach them calmly instead of letting them rule your life. This might mean breathing practices such as square breathing, meditation, or a few minutes of focusing on the present moment and "watching" thoughts and feelings as they cross your mind.
And then? It is often about looking for situations to practice being uncomfortable in. Not a lot uncomfortable! Just a teeny tiny bit. To remind yourself that it's not the end of the world and you don't need to treat it as such.
Some examples of situations that might help you practice being comfortable with discomfort:
- Try working on a new skill you are pretty sure you are going to be terrible at. Tell yourself you only have to do it for 10 minutes, and work on being okay with being a bit frustrated.
- Go to a karaoke night and feel a little ridiculous in front of some strangers for just one song
- Go out to eat by yourself. Remind yourself no one is judging you for doing this. Enjoy your pancakes.
- Go to a social event where you don't know anyone else there, like a board game night at a local coffee shop or brewery.
Do those seem too daunting? Then go even smaller! The point is not to overwhelm yourself, it's to widen your circle of possibilities by just a centimeter.
Here's a useful article I found inspiring on this topic: How to make things suck less by sucking more, and a quick quote from it:
Quote:
Instead of avoiding the pain with ever more elaborate work-arounds and rules and contingencies and fall-backs (avoid avoid avoid!), I can consciously make the choice to lean in just a teeny tiny bit, so that I can practice my coping skills.
Exercising our distress tolerance can have a huge range of benefits in life, alongside improving your relationships and your ability to take feedback!
Post tags: FOBETEO
Comments
Great advice to take to heart, Kim! Not just for myself but for everyone else. Its good to be reminded about stuff like this, especially when misunderstandings occur for various different reasons.
I'm definitely trying to improve in this area myself.
I'm definitely trying to improve in this area myself.
I don't appreciate being called out like this, Kim. 😂
I hope this is okay to add 😁
There is a free online workbook for DBT and the first chapter is distress tolerance, and its on something I've been working on myself!
So really quite funny in my case that this was today's fobeteo post.
I hope this is okay to add 😁
There is a free online workbook for DBT and the first chapter is distress tolerance, and its on something I've been working on myself!
So really quite funny in my case that this was today's fobeteo post.
Atheist
December 4, 2024
10:30am
I appreciate this little tid-bit you shared, Kim. It's very helpful and I feel like if done with earnestness and maturity, we can all communicate the things that discomfort us!