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FOBETEO Past: What to do when you receive a friendship tune-up message

Posted by Kim on December 5, 2015, 12:47pm

The following article was published during FOBETEO 2012, as a follow up to "Starting a difficult (but important) conversation", which we looked at yesterday. It has some great advice on how to handle a request for a friendship tune-up!

Clear communication FTW!


What to do when you receive a friendship tune-up message


Happy Festival of Being Excellent to Each Other, friend! It's that special time of year where we focus on a topic that can help tune up our OOC friendships and community so we can keep on having drama-free games all year long!

Yesterday, we talked about sending a very difficult message: Asking someone if they can alter or explain their behavior to help with hurt feelings or other social fallout.

Now we're going to talk about what to do if you receive that message.

First thing's first: You must answer. Right now. This very second. If you value your friendship with this person, or you value the potential of friendship with that person, or you value the social circle you and this person are both a part of, you need to answer that message. Even if it's tough.

If you don't know what to say, say that! But say it quickly. "Wow, I had no idea. I am so surprised I don't know what to say. I'm really sorry you were so unhappy. Can I take a day or two to do some soul searching before we have a good chat about this?"

Notice that this response is friendly, it acknowledges the other person's feelings, but it doesn't admit to having done something wrong -- it just contains a promise to think about it.

It can be difficult or hurtful to receive a message saying you hurt someone's feelings, but resist the urge to shout, insult or throw blame back. It won't make your friend any happier with you. It won't help at all! If you've got your own beef, be open to acknowledging issues on both sides.

If you cultivate the skill of being curious and asking questions rather than being defensive, you will rapidly become a pinnacle of the community, and the sort of person that RP groups revolve around and depend on. You will be... epic.

Hope your Holiday season is going great! A Merry Festival Of Being Excellent To Each Other to all!

Comments

Marcat2001

December 6, 2015
12:27pm

I the other day in fact was hurt by my friends and I held it I for so long I literally started crying while texting them but me explaining how I felt helped so much! Its like our friendship was renewed but if that friend doesn't apologize or recognize your feelings maybe you shouldn't be friends with them, You see my humor contains joking around offensively but that can hurt others feelings and I see that once my friends accidentally started doing it to me so I toned down my offensive jokes a bit but they continued theirs towards me and so I exploded I literally texted them a full blown paragraph about my feelings and they acknowledged them and cared about them even though I felt as if they didn't I seen they genuinely cared! So just speak up don't yell just have a calm and collected conversation it will get the point across much more than yelling, and guy or girl crying doesn't make you weak it makes you strong! Be wise of that!

sland

December 5, 2015
3:46pm

I could've used this advice awhile ago lmao

Esoterica

December 5, 2015
1:02pm

I like to think of myself as an open and honest person, so I often let people know when they've crossed some sort of line with me. As for vice versa, I really do love it when people approach me maturely with an issue and explain to me why it hurt/bothered them. It's most often than not a miscommunication because of my sarcastic sense of humour, so I've had this conversation a handful of times. I don't really need take time to soul search or think about why I did whatever it was, because as I said it's usually because of my humour or because of my characters (since I often play cruel and awful ones, lmfao.) All 'n' all, I'm always completely open and ready for a one on one conversation if the person is not going rabid. Maturity and responsiblity is key, and if I have legitimately hurt someone by accident, I always apologize and attempt to redeem myself.