Posted by Kim on December 9, 2015, 9:30am
Ahh, I adore this time of year. It always goes by in a merry blur -- maybe that's just because my eyes keep tearing up seeing all the amazing things you have to say about each other. We've one day left of FOBETEO, and so one more piece of life and friendship hacking advice to optimize your happiness and your connectedness. But before we get to that, remember, today is the last day to give out kudos and still be eligible to earn a winter candle accolade! Don't miss out!Of course, even long after the festival is over, your kudos will still be deeply meaningful to whoever you choose to give them to.
The following article was originally published during FOBETEO 2011, but it still has a great deal of wisdom to share about busting confirmation bias and putting your massive creativity to work making you a happier human being.
Social Narratives
It's time for more excellence! I want to take a moment today to discuss a common problem that can come between people, even old friends, and how we can prevent it from happening here: Cliche narratives.I'm totally serious. Let me explain...
You know what humans are pretty excellent at? Filling in the gaps.
Except for all you omniscient Demon Gods and crystal ball users in the crowd, we never really know the whole story behind the interactions we have with other people. But our amazing human brains
The only problem? We usually get it wrong, and don't even realize that what we're working with is a fabrication.
My mother always gives me this advice: When you make up a story, always make up a good one.
For example: If someone seems cold to you when you first join a new group, the only real fact you have is that they don't say very much and seem distracted when they talk to you. Most people, in making up their own story, make themselves the star -- which means that in that interpretation, the only reason someone could be cold is because they actively dislike you.
But 9 times out of 10, the reason is much less personal. If asked, they'll often realize their mind was on problems at home, concerns for the future, or they were thinking so hard about how to finish a project they forgot to do small talk.
On the internet, even more of the story goes missing, and we make up even more of the narrative to fill in the gaps. We're human. We can't help it. But it starts a lot of feuds that just didn't need to happen.
So today, in honor of the Festival of being excellent to each other, take a moment to reflect on better narratives that you can make up to explain why someone doesn't behave the way you wanted them to, either in the future or in the recent past. Think instead that pirates shanghaied their car on the way to work and they are grumpy, and busy plotting their ninja revenge. Nothing to do with you. It's just those darn pirates!The moral of the story is, when you don't know for absolute certain why someone is being the way they are being, ask them! If you can't ask, and you must make up reasons, make up good ones. Or at least interesting ones! Assuming that someone is trying to be mean to you is just so overdone. You're way more creative than that.
If you have an interesting story that we can all use instead of the cliched "They must hate me!", I would love to hear it. Please share!
Comments
ConnanBell
December 9, 2015
10:59am