Posted by Kim on December 6, 2020, 9:00am
Because we're all human, it is impossible to have any kind of relationship for any real length of time and never have a disagreement. In fact, it's not even truly desirable to have a relationship in which you never, ever argue about anything at all; often, this is an indicator that something is wrong. Someone is capitulating in order to keep the peace, instead of airing what they really think.Sometimes it makes sense, here and there, to overlook or ignore our friend's rough spots. To cut them some slack when they are in pain and do or say something thoughtless and out of character for themselves. To forgive momentary lapses, especially if they are followed by recognition and apology.
But some things are long term, and important enough to need addressing - perhaps it's a habit, an unexamined belief - and ignoring them means that they will build up until they explode, or until the relationship collapses and is no longer sustainable.
Putting the energy and time into working through an issue, unpleasant as that process can be, is a massive gift that both of the parties in the disagreement give each other. Being able to weather a storm together - especially a storm that one of you has unwittingly created! - and still come out okay on the other side is part of a long-lasting and deep friendship. You care enough to argue. That's huge.
There are of course circumstances where it's healthier to cut ties, and the only safe and sane thing to do is use the block button. But every human relationship has rocky parts, because we're all individuals. Knowing you have friends who you are willing to put the energy into, and who will put the energy into you, is key. It means that neither of you have to be perfect all the time. It means you can make mistakes and still be loved.
Even as we take time to celebrate the positive parts of all of our relationships, we must find time and energy for maintaining them.
A friendship isn't real when you aren't able to be your true self with that person. And at the same time, a real friendship can put demands on us to grow and change, without those changes needing to obliterate our selves. Instead, they help to refine and enhance who we really are.
Today's FOBETEO exercise to nurture our friendships and ourselves: Take some time to think about what behaviors you're willing to overlook in your friends (and how often you're willing to overlook them), and which behaviors are worth having a discussion - and possibly an argument - over. You don't need to act on these reflections today. Just give yourself permission to explore your own boundaries, and what truly matters to you and bothers you.
If you'd like some tips on how to talk about things that bother you with people you care about, check out this article on how to talk to friends about problems.
If you'd like to practice being direct about something you are not sure will please your RP partners, check out this Practice Avoiding Ghosting Others topic.
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Rogue-ScribeDecember 6, 2020
5:39pm
Opening up too much when you think you are friends (online or otherwise) with someone tends to get you burned more often than not. Part of the challenge is to recognise when a relationship is a two-way street and when one is putting way more into it than the other. No matter how much one wants to be friends with another, any amount of energy that is put into it may not cause them to think or feel likewise.
Being myself has earned me a few blocks, and also a few solid friendships. Something that I have, and still am working at is to clearly think before firing off with the keyboard. It's a fine balance to walk.