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A super powerful (and excellent!) question

Posted by Kim on December 11, 2011, 11:53pm

And how has Excellence been treating you, lately? Have your days been merrier when you started practicing better narratives? Is life brighter with all the new friends you have been making?

Alternative narrative day was quite popular, and so many of you had great stories to share about times learning the real story improved life for everyone involved. But did you know that the alternative to narrative writing is even better? When someone seems to be quiet, cold, abrupt or unpleasant, you can try asking them this:

"I get the impression you're uncomfortable or unhappy. Is something wrong? Can we do anything to make you feel more relaxed or welcome?"


Why is this such a powerful question?
  1. Direct confrontation about perceived rudeness can escalate the problem well beyond what it began as. If the person in question wasn't intending to be rude and they feel wrongly accused, they may become intentionally rude. And that's much harder to fix.
  2. It starts the conversation on a friendly, positive note. It's really hard to dislike someone who takes time from their day to graciously ask how they can make yours better!
  3. It does not infer any motive on them that they will feel caught in or wrongly accused of and have to defend, instead of engaging constructively.
  4. It lets them know you're listening and willing to work out problems on both ends.
  5. It takes the focus off of you. It's very hard to solve a problem when you are feeling victimized, and the longer you feel victimized, the more bad narratives you will generate to fuel your foul mood. By instead making yourself a proactive player in fixing a problem, you can instantly boost your mood as well.

Comments

Jane

December 12, 2011
11:37pm

They might not answer you straight back, but atleast they know you care. And probably a few minutes (or more time) later; prossibly tell you the reason. And a woman snapping; is not always bad, maybe she's just testing if the question was meant honest. Because that is, what counts the most. Little details, like the tone of voice when you ask it; or how you look.

Darth_Angelus

December 12, 2011
4:39pm

Quite possibly ;)

Kim

December 12, 2011
4:02pm

Sounds like a good indicator that someone isn't feeling their best. ;)

Darth_Angelus

December 12, 2011
12:40pm

Iokua, I've done that too and sometimes been snapped at for it, even though I was curiously concerned.

CelestinaGrey

December 12, 2011
6:27am

This is definitely true :) I certainly like this question! A lot of times, with my closest friends, I'll have to ask the 'are you okay?' question, and then follow up their answer with 'are you positive?' The idiots like to play off that they're fine.
But if we follow it up with 'is there anything I can do', I think it really makes it much better. :)

Iokua

December 12, 2011
3:07am

I like how that is displayed. It is very true that there are a few out there that will become put off by questions, or they fee attacked. I know I'm notorioius for asking "everything ok?" >.> but I always mean it out of simple curiosity, and actual well being. :D