Posted by Kim on December 4, 2015, 10:50am
The following article was originally published during FOBETEO 2012, but it still has a great deal of wisdom to offer us about how to speak up if you need to do some friendship maintenance.If you want to see the other articles that it references, check out:
Starting a difficult (but important) conversation
It's the Festival of Being Excellent to Each Other, and this year we're focusing on dealing with those inevitable troubles that arise between peoples who play together for ages -- so you can keep on playing for ages!
Okay, so we've discussed that as scary or mean as it can feel to "confront" someone who is hurting your feelings or making the game a drag, it can be much meaner to not let them know how they can help you out.
Once you've got the nerve to tell them, what do you say?
Excellent To Each Other Holiday Tip #1: Assume that the person who is giving you trouble wants to be your friend
Most people want to be liked and want others to think well of them. Most people want to be good friends with the people they choose to play games with. But most people are also, sadly, people, and don't always know how to accomplish it. Before you do anything, take a deep breath and convince yourself, at least for the duration of the conversation, that whatever has been going on was an accident and this person would be your friend if they knew how. Giving them that benefit of the doubt costs you nothing, and sets the conversation up to go well.
Excellent To Each Other Holiday Tip #2: Start simple, and focus on yourself
Reading a huge dissertation on how you've been hurtful can put people on the defensive. Start with a brief, non-accusatory note. Something like, "Hi (person), you probably didn't realize it, but that joke you made about Norwegian fish actually cut pretty close to home for me and I've been working up the nerve to tell you. I don't want this to damage our awesome RP or friendship. Can we talk about it a bit?"
If they're willing you can then discuss why and how it hurt you -- but the first step is just opening the door. When they get to step through it themselves, they're apt to be less defensive and more curious how to help.
Excellent To Each Other Holiday Tip #3: Use a friendly title, too
First impressions matter. Every first impression! Make sure you aren't putting your friend into defensive mode before they even start reading your message by picking a non-scary subject for the message as well. It's scary to get a PM with a name like "Concern" or "Problem" or "Can we talk?", and people with elevated heart rates have pretty poor reading comprehension skills.
Instead, try "Hey there!" or "About that Norwegian fish joke" or even "You know what would make this RP even cooler?"
Excellent To Each Other Holiday Tip #4: Keep your eye on the prize
This may be a difficult conversation for you to have, and you may be tempted to give up, but being silently unhappy is worse! Be honest and keep at it. You can guarantee you'll stay unhappy by doing nothing, but you give yourself (and your friend) a chance to have fun again by talking about it.
Excellent To Each Other Holiday Tip #5: Acknowledge any positive progress immediately
Changing habits is hard work! Even if your friend isn't able to immediately change their tune, if you notice any improvement, make sure to catch them in the act of doing something right! If they apologize, thank them for their apology. If they change their behavior, send them a PM thanking them for being willing to try new things.
Excellent To Each Other Holiday Tip #6: Finish by asking if you can help THEM have more fun, too
If you've been silent about issues for awhile, chances are that your RP partner has sensed that something is off, and felt a little hurt too. See if you can do something to restore the warmth! Perhaps, if you're having this conversation on the 5th, you'll decide to celebrate Act Like A Ninja Day together.
Next: FOBETEO Past: What to do when you receive a friendship tune-up message »
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Comments
@MFManda, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
I've had to deal with this too. Unfortunately, there are just too many players who don't understand their actions are wrong and hurtful. It's hard to talk to them, especially when they can't see they are causing a problem. I give you kudos for trying, and I hope it doesn't dissuade you from trying again.
I've had to deal with this too. Unfortunately, there are just too many players who don't understand their actions are wrong and hurtful. It's hard to talk to them, especially when they can't see they are causing a problem. I give you kudos for trying, and I hope it doesn't dissuade you from trying again.
@MFManda good for you for trying, though.
Although it's true not everyone wants to play nice, starting with positive assumptions can help to get the best outcome where one is possible. And if it isn't, you can at least know you did your best and move on with fewer regrets.
Although it's true not everyone wants to play nice, starting with positive assumptions can help to get the best outcome where one is possible. And if it isn't, you can at least know you did your best and move on with fewer regrets.
I wish more people were excellent to eachother.
I was recently hurt by two player's actions OOC concerning an IC situation.
I felt lie it was wrong.
It sucks because when I tried sorting things out, and tried to 'assume they wanted to be my friend' it was quite the opposite.
It's unfortunate that people are mean to one another.
I wish more players would read this.
I was recently hurt by two player's actions OOC concerning an IC situation.
I felt lie it was wrong.
It sucks because when I tried sorting things out, and tried to 'assume they wanted to be my friend' it was quite the opposite.
It's unfortunate that people are mean to one another.
I wish more players would read this.
Ahhh! The two wise men!
Excellent advice, and I kept hearing
Rett
December 7, 2015
3:12am
@MFManda: I very much understand what you've been through, and I'm truly glad you tried.
I admit that it's really difficult to stay positive. You can't avoid that there'll always be hurdles on the way. Despite this, just keep your chin up and face them! Greater things will happen. They won't come immediately, but they will.