Posted by Kim on December 7, 2011, 10:41pm
It's time for more excellence! I want to take a moment today to discuss a common problem that can come between people, even old friends, and how we can prevent it from happening here: Cliche narratives.I'm totally serious. Let me explain...
You know what humans are pretty excellent at? Filling in the gaps.
Except for all you omniscient Demon Gods and crystal ball users in the crowd, we never really know the whole story behind the interactions we have with other people. But our amazing human brains
The only problem? We usually get it wrong, and don't even realize that what we're working with is a fabrication.
My mother always gives me this advice: When you make up a story, always make up a good one.
For example: If someone seems cold to you when you first join a new group, the only real fact you have is that they don't say very much and seem distracted when they talk to you. Most people, in making up their own story, make themselves the star -- which means that in that interpretation, the only reason someone could be cold is because they actively dislike you.
But 9 times out of 10, the reason is much less personal. If asked, they'll often realize their mind was on problems at home, concerns for the future, or they were thinking so hard about how to finish a project they forgot to do small talk.
On the internet, even more of the story goes missing, and we make up even more of the narrative to fill in the gaps. We're human. We can't help it. But it starts a lot of feuds that just didn't need to happen.
So today, in honor of the Festival of being excellent to each other, take a moment to reflect on better narratives that you can make up to explain why someone doesn't behave the way you wanted them to, either in the future or in the recent past. Think instead that pirates shanghaied their car on the way to work and they are grumpy, and busy plotting their ninja revenge. Nothing to do with you. It's just those darn pirates!
The moral of the story is, when you don't know for absolute certain why someone is being the way they are being, ask them! If you can't ask, and you must make up reasons, make up good ones. Or at least interesting ones! Assuming that someone is trying to be mean to you is just so overdone. You're way more creative than that.
If you have an interesting story that we can all use instead of the cliched "They must hate me!", I would love to hear it. Please share!
Comments
I'm having a hard time thinking of something in real life that involved 'social narratives.' I can think of quite a few on the internet though!
A have a few friends I talk to frequently on the internet, via chat or messenger. At one point a friend of mine was being really, really shrot with their answers or replies. We talk at great length and quite a bit, so it was out of the norm for them to be so short with me. I thought I did something wrong, so I asked what was up, explaining what I saw happening... ends up they were playing a video game and was only able to reply with short responses due to being distracted!
Funny thing is, exact same thing happened later on, but them in my shoes and I in theirs.
Another thing I've noticed- people having difficulty (on the internet) with mistaking professionalism for being cold/rude. Or mistaking someone who is just being friendly for being sarcastic.
It always seems that you have to be careful with how you use your tone or try to be extra friendly when responding to IMs or forum posts.
More often than not, a neutral tone in a forum post is seen as cold. So, you try to amp it up or seem friendlier by using smiley faces... but then you're being sarcastic! It took me a long, long time to really have a hold on how I appear in forum posts, especially in an area where I help run / manage. Majority of the jobs I've worked at have been with professional businesses or organizations - either managing or organizing, what I believe to be polite professionalism doesn't always translate so well in a post or IM. That might also be part of my personality.
To the point, let's get 'er done.
It's a learning experience! And this post turned out longer than I expected.
A have a few friends I talk to frequently on the internet, via chat or messenger. At one point a friend of mine was being really, really shrot with their answers or replies. We talk at great length and quite a bit, so it was out of the norm for them to be so short with me. I thought I did something wrong, so I asked what was up, explaining what I saw happening... ends up they were playing a video game and was only able to reply with short responses due to being distracted!
Funny thing is, exact same thing happened later on, but them in my shoes and I in theirs.
Another thing I've noticed- people having difficulty (on the internet) with mistaking professionalism for being cold/rude. Or mistaking someone who is just being friendly for being sarcastic.
It always seems that you have to be careful with how you use your tone or try to be extra friendly when responding to IMs or forum posts.
More often than not, a neutral tone in a forum post is seen as cold. So, you try to amp it up or seem friendlier by using smiley faces... but then you're being sarcastic! It took me a long, long time to really have a hold on how I appear in forum posts, especially in an area where I help run / manage. Majority of the jobs I've worked at have been with professional businesses or organizations - either managing or organizing, what I believe to be polite professionalism doesn't always translate so well in a post or IM. That might also be part of my personality.
To the point, let's get 'er done.It's a learning experience! And this post turned out longer than I expected.
Heh I've got a a story, back in grade 7 my dad's job had relocated him to the other side of the country (So I went from Nova Scotia allll the way to British Columbia)
My first day of school went okay, then on my second day got things got interesting. I walked in to class hearing s girl yelling at a guy, then she slapped (not exactly as hard as she could have but slapped him none the less) across the face. I still to this day dunno what he said to her, but I'm standing there frozen like a deer in a head lights pretty sure I had just met the bully. To my surprise, she squealed at the top of her lungs "ohhhhh new person." she ran over and all but glomped me, I had just met my new best friend, and turns out the guy was just being an ass, and she didn't take crap.
so seeing can be deceiving
My first day of school went okay, then on my second day got things got interesting. I walked in to class hearing s girl yelling at a guy, then she slapped (not exactly as hard as she could have but slapped him none the less) across the face. I still to this day dunno what he said to her, but I'm standing there frozen like a deer in a head lights pretty sure I had just met the bully. To my surprise, she squealed at the top of her lungs "ohhhhh new person." she ran over and all but glomped me, I had just met my new best friend, and turns out the guy was just being an ass, and she didn't take crap.
so seeing can be deceiving
Last year I had a picnic with a close friend. She was feeling quite down so I thought I'd tell her a joke to lift her spirits a bit.
The joke was: "What has four legs and an arm?" the answer "A happy pitbull."
Later that day, she was very distant and didn't talk to me much for several days. Eventually I asked if she was okay and she said she wasn't comfortable with me telling her dirty jokes.
I was confused, it wasn't a dirty joke. She then explained that part of the joke was something her boyfriend said as a euphemism for male anatomy. To clear things up, I said there was no hidden meaning behind the joke, it meant exactly what it said. After that, she was fine again
The joke was: "What has four legs and an arm?" the answer "A happy pitbull."
Later that day, she was very distant and didn't talk to me much for several days. Eventually I asked if she was okay and she said she wasn't comfortable with me telling her dirty jokes.
I was confused, it wasn't a dirty joke. She then explained that part of the joke was something her boyfriend said as a euphemism for male anatomy. To clear things up, I said there was no hidden meaning behind the joke, it meant exactly what it said. After that, she was fine again
Back in highschool I met this guy who I just... did not get along with. We got off on the wrong foot, to be sure- like, I accidentally ran into him on the first day of school my Freshman year, and he threatened to beat me to death if I didn't watch where I was going next time. It was not so great.
Most of highschool we sort of avoided each other, but about the end of my senior year we both ended up bonding over the weirdest thing ever- Roleplay. I seriously couldn't believe this guy RPed, too, it blew my mind. Time went by, we got a chance to hang out a little, and here we are, five years later, and he's probably the best friend I've ever had. Now he's making death threats to people who run into me by accident, it's kind of ironic. He's a little overprotective. He's even been sort of unofficially adopted by my family, calls my mother Mom and she calls him son, it's weird but it's great.
It's still weird to see him roleplay, being as he looks and acts like a lumberjack. I've never known somebody to wear so much denim or flannel at once. It's mind-boggling.
Most of highschool we sort of avoided each other, but about the end of my senior year we both ended up bonding over the weirdest thing ever- Roleplay. I seriously couldn't believe this guy RPed, too, it blew my mind. Time went by, we got a chance to hang out a little, and here we are, five years later, and he's probably the best friend I've ever had. Now he's making death threats to people who run into me by accident, it's kind of ironic. He's a little overprotective. He's even been sort of unofficially adopted by my family, calls my mother Mom and she calls him son, it's weird but it's great.
It's still weird to see him roleplay, being as he looks and acts like a lumberjack. I've never known somebody to wear so much denim or flannel at once. It's mind-boggling.
@Glacontour -- That is a great example of people slowly learning to take the narrative focus off of themselves, and get curious about real motivations. It sounds like it really helped everyone in that situation! I love it. 
Wow Lance and Sanne, those are great stories.
Claine, can we help you think up new narratives? I think those people are intimidated by how awesome you are. Or they just got a new puppy and they are mesmerized by its zombie stagger of cuteness so they forget to type much. Or they are in another time zone and falling asleep. Or they are a VAMPIRE and struggling to stay awake in their dank basement, for the sun is riding high in the sky and its mere presence on this side of the earth saps their energy, though they are protected from its harmful rays by the weight of the earth.
Claine, can we help you think up new narratives? I think those people are intimidated by how awesome you are. Or they just got a new puppy and they are mesmerized by its zombie stagger of cuteness so they forget to type much. Or they are in another time zone and falling asleep. Or they are a VAMPIRE and struggling to stay awake in their dank basement, for the sun is riding high in the sky and its mere presence on this side of the earth saps their energy, though they are protected from its harmful rays by the weight of the earth.
Glacontour
December 8, 2011
10:03am
I participate in an RP group with a large group of people, many of whom have known each other for years. It's a little clique-ish, and that winds up turning a lot of people off. It was especially hard for one girl I knew, who would get so scared at times that she'd just shut her computer off mid-conversation. Many people thought she was weird, didn't care, or was downright snobby. It turns out she had a problem with anxiety and was terrified of people. Eventually, we helped her overcome her anxiety problems. The clique is still there, but I think because they began to accept the anxiety-girl, the clique is becoming more open. Everyone had a happy ending! C:
When I first met my fiancee, I thought he was a real jerk and wanted nothing to do with him. He was arrogant and a bit cold from what I could see and not the kind of guy I thought to be drawn to.
Turns out he just got through a rough time in his life and most of his smartmouthing and such was a way to repel drama.
Four years later I'm as happy as I can be.
He's visiting me on my birthday come March (he's American) and I have never felt as connected to another person as I have with him.
This experience has really helped me see new people in a different perspective, even if I struggle at times.
Turns out he just got through a rough time in his life and most of his smartmouthing and such was a way to repel drama.
Four years later I'm as happy as I can be.
He's visiting me on my birthday come March (he's American) and I have never felt as connected to another person as I have with him.This experience has really helped me see new people in a different perspective, even if I struggle at times.
I'm guilty of this one. If there's someone in a chatroom that's quiet around me, I assume that they mustn't like me too much.
Well I have an interesting story from a few years back. This guy I knew...from the moment he first met me he absolutely despised me. For no obvious reason at all. I had met him through an ex of mine. Me and him did hang out but it could only be as long as my ex was there as a happy medium. One day I got fed up with him giving me the ol stink eye, and possibly putting a pic of my face on a heavy bag at home to hammer on, so I got in his face about it per say. I outright asked what his issue with me was. His response actually caught me off guard. He told me he had no issue with me. His issue was with a guy who looked a lot like me who had stolen his ex from him. In short I had a look-a-like out there who was besmirching my good name before I guy I hadn't even met at the time. Eventually he got over the fact that I looked like the dude and we got to the point where we could hang out without my ex being there. And I ended up meeting me look-a-like as well. Geez the similarities...it was just...creepy...
Yuka
December 8, 2011
3:03am
The pirate fabrication is an excellent one Great idea!
Great idea!
What an interesting and festive idea! I second Sanne in saying I love this!
Boyah to the Ninja Revenge!
I.... I love this!!
Minkja
December 8, 2011
3:33pm