Capable of being tuned into by even the sane kindred with the correct, obscure frequency known inheritely only to those of clan Malkavian (and who prefer only to give it out to the mad, or the soon-to-be-mad), a crackling signal plays a single man, with a charming voice like gold and silver. He delivers to the residents of Salem the news as discovered from the eyes of the insightful and a hint of surreality. Broadcasts are as follows:
Thursday, September 19, 2013.
Good morning, Salem. Tonight's broadcast is brought to you by the following sponsors: The moon. An outdated road sign, not yet replaced. A single crack in your mirror.
The political landscape in Salem remains yet unchanged, with the Prince's secret police keeping a vigilant eye over the city. We reached out for comment to our local political expert, Sarah Sullivan (who is a smooth, fist-sized river rock,) about possible concerns involving the relationships between Salem, Boston and New York. Sarah had no comment, as she is a smooth, fist-sized river rock, and unable to speak. She can write, however, and wrote "no comment," before drawing an insulting caricature of yours truly. Which was hurtful, and unnecessary.
Today’s victims are those who have been unable to find what they require and as a result will be left behind.
Today, doppelgangers have a 23.84% chance of appearing.
Take care.
Friday, September 20, 2013.
Good morning, Salem. Tonight, I would like to start out with a helpful tip I recently discovered to make your life a little easier! Step 1. Open your internet browser. Step 2. Go To Settings/Privacy. Step 3. Turn off "Shadowy Figure That Stands In Your Yard Never Speaking Never Moving" Step 4. Restart your computer. Just trust me on this one, it works 100%, and since then there has been a rapid decrease in shadowy figures lurking about my lawn.
Recently, sewer workers have begun disappearing for reasons unknown to each and every kindred that this reporter has managed to corner and beret for hours and hours on end, until they're shrieking, "please, I don't know, I don't know, please, oh no no no no no no no." We attempted to reach a member of the Prince's secret police for comment, but when approached, they simply began vibrating violently before disappearing in a cloud of what appears to be light blue baby powder. More on this as the story develops.
Today’s victims are the isolated individuals perpetually stuck within their own mental loops.
Today, the living doll game has a 52.84% chance chance of success.
Take care.
Monday, September 23, 2013.
Good evening, Salem. Tonight's broadcast is brought to you by the group huddling in the vacant lot out by the junkyard. Tired of your home? Sick of comfort? Come to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Junkyard and huddle with us. Who are we? Good question. … Why do we want you to come? Why did we spend money for this airtime? We understand that you are confused, but... Hole. Vacant lot. Junkyard. Huddle. Us. For the low, low price. Act today. Or tomorrow. Not Wednesday. Wednesday is no good for us. Anyway, we’re almost out of air time, so just come on down to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Junkyard and huddle with us. Or else.
Today’s victims are the forgetful ones who will soon lose sight of their dreams.
Today, Mearry has a 75.13% chance of claiming a victim.
Take care.
Thursday, October 4, 2013
We apologize for our long absence, Salem. For the first time in centuries, station management had awoken and began wandering the halls. Fearing for his life, your faithful reporter cowered under his desk for days, with nothing to live on but his own self-doubt and improbably existence. But they appear to have been sated, and wanted me to tell you all that [Static begins to play]... helpful... s...ve....your....life......small cubes.....s...m....blood....don't go in don't go in don't go in don't go in--[Radio cuts out temporarily]. And that was our handy tip of the week.
Today, the Prince's Secret Police sent me a message, in the form of a terrified, dead-eyed child who had my name tattooed on the inside of his lower lip. They tell me that lately, the Prince has been investigating Kindred suspected to be members of the Sabbat, and all signs point to you. If I were you, whoever you are, I would start running. ... Let me just take a moment to ask, does anybody want a child? I never know what to do with the messenger children that they send me, and it seems like... Oh, no, wait, the child seems to have wandered off. Nevermind.
And now, a word from our sponsors:
Nine out of ten dentists recommend Colgate toothpaste. The last one won’t stop recommending “the flesh of the innocent” and “thousands and thousands of skulls, staring, smiling, judging” and quite frankly we aren’t sure if he’s a real dentist or not.
Today’s victims are the hopeless individuals who will have their final dreams crushed as a result of their failures.
Today, the Monkey’s Paw has a 50.82% chance of appearing.
Please take care.