Unicorns

It had been a week since Edward had let little Bernard with his hopes and dreams. He and Xiana had passed a few bigger towns by now and even passed through some small forests on the way. Even in these, although Xiana felt visibly more at ease, she remained with Edward to pose as a horse. Today is a bright spring day, the sun is shining and the wind is low, casting a gloomy warmth over the lands. Xiana doesn't seem bothered by the weather, although Edward might be in her place, in the light of a sun this intense her mane is completely green, there is no way anyone would miss it now.

Edward had spent most of the days humming, or smoking, or talking brightly to the horses and the unicorn, though he never expected any of them to reply; he told them about the things he would like to do when he returned to Eriu after so many years, and about how they would get there; he also spoke often about Bernard with a fondness, and alluded on occasion to an old apprentice. But right now, he is innocently singing a song, unbothered by Xiana's obvious mane and entirely unweathered by the toll of travel. It is a sad song, but the solemn warmth in Edward's voice lends it the air of a much happier man looking back at a sad memory.

As Edward was travelling he'd catch sight of something though, a rider carrying a huge green banner depicting a red pig in a blue castle is the first that would catch the eye, followed by the knight clad in shining plate armor covered by a tabard depicting the same symbol as his banner bears. The knight pulls the reigns when he nears Edward, and shoves his visor up, revealing a young face with a thick and glorious mustache. "Hail good sir!" He greets, cheerfully raising a hand.

Edward rather abruptly stops singing when he spies that glorious banner, surprised to see it. He leans over in his seat to survey the horizon briefly, and then turns his eyes towards the armor-clad fellow to regard him cordially. "F-fare, er, fare d-day to you, Sir Knight!" he returns, slowing his horses a little. "Is there a kingdom nearby?"

The fellow nods at that. "I would not say nearby good sir! I have travelled from far to heed the call of the innocents sir!" The man places a hand on his chest and bows. "Sir Flenn Hamminfort. At your service good sir!"

The man raises a brow when the wizard starts to speak, and waits impatiently for him to finish. As soon as he's said something that resembles a name Flenn the knight cuts in again. "Sir Edward! A noble name for a noble wizard!" The man chuckles. "Haha! Aye wizard. For only a wizard would have two horses too many with one a rather unusual color of mane and such a fine hat." He nods at Xiana, his eyes pass over the wizard hat and her green mane. "Tell me sir? Am i wrong!? I daresay my guess was correct!"

"Oh, y-yes, sir, a-a wizard, indeed!" Edward replies with a broad, giddy smile, quite pleased for being recognized as such not once, but twice, despite the fact that he is not wearing his hat!

The knight chuckles again, a hearty guffaw of a chuckle. "Yes, yes, yes. I do have that gift. I do. " The man grins. "Yes. Well sir! This day is a fortunate day for you! I just happen to be on quite a noble quest and I could use some help from a travelling wizard!" The man pets the mane of his purely brown destier, the beast seemed in a strange mood, as it had been since it lay eyes upon Xiana. "There is an awful ogre who terrorises the poor people of Bottlebog, together we can stop this villain! What say you?"

"Oh yes an ogre sir, a true ogre!" The knight grins at Edward, and his grin only grows wider as he sees the wizard's worry. "Oh do not fret Sir Edward! I see what troubles you! But even if an ogre holds no challenge to a wizard such as you, the cries of the people can not be ignored can they!?" The man guides his horse to come up next to the cart and aims a friendly pat to the wizard's back. "Come now good man! Let us ride now! Every moment we wait here is a moment longer the poor old Bottlebogs suffer under this villain's yoke!" Without waiting for Edward's answer the knight already gives his horse the reigns, keeping a steady pace for Edward's cart.

"B-buh--but--oh, I-I-I don't know, I'm, er, I-I'm--not v-v-very, uh, fluent in... in ogre," Edward sputters, adjusting and readjusting his grip on his horses' reins nervously. "I-I couldn't very w-w-well ask him to leave, I'm, er, I'm afraid! I'm t-t-terribly sorry," he adds, half-sincerely.

The knight turns around, regarding the wizard with mild amusement. "He shall speak the tongue of men! If not we shall make clear to this old chap we desire him to leave! I necessary we shall slay the beast, but Sir Flenn Hamminfort shall slay only that which is truly vile!" The man laughs. "If he sees you and me, two brave and noble souls, I daresay the ogre shall be gone before we know it sir!"

"That's, er, t-t-terribly--terribly admirable of you, sir," Edward says weakly, casting the unicorn a sidelong glance. "But, er, I-I don't... I don't know that I'm awf-f-fully brave."

The unicorn watches the man warily and stays well out of his reach, but otherwise she seems unbothered. That man himself frowns to put his hands in his side. "Sir! This is no time to be modes or nervous. As long as I possess my blade there is no true danger my sir wizard!" He seems to be getting impatient.

Edward eyes the distance again, hoping very much not to see an ogre. His eyes fool him a few times when they find hills; it makes him jump. "Oh, b-but--but what of my horses?" he tries, quite caught between his firm instinct to stay put and the guilt pressing against his mind. Every moment he hesitates, someone could be getting stepped on!

The knight pulls his visor over his eyes again, making his young voice sound metallic and hollow. "Bring them of course! It is not far way!" This time the knight really does set off, without the wizard should he not follow.

"B--Bring them?" Edward repeats, even as the knight rides away. "Oh, I-I couldn't!" Fretting over what to do, he half-forms an idea and slides off the wagon to begin unhitching Muiredach from it, the younger and faster runner of the two beasts. As he does, he squawks, perhaps to the unicorn, "Wh-what do I do?!"

Xiana looks down the road, at the shape of the rider moving along the road. The unicorn seems mildly disgruntled, an odd expression for the majestic beast. "The man in steel seems like a young buck, out to prove his courage and strength as much to himself as to others. If it is your desire to aid him then you should do so." She answers in her usual soft singing voice. The unicorn looks at Edward's other horse, she had become well acquainted with the two of them over the course of their journey, more so then the wizard himself. "I will watch over the one you call Maire... If that is your wish."

"Oh, i-if you would," Edward says, sounding incredibly grateful and looking at the unicorn with eyes to match. "I-I'm sorry. I oughtn't, b-but I--I-I feel that I must!" Such a mortal thing, he thinks, swinging fumblingly onto Muiredach's tall, bare back and very nearly falling right back over the other side. Edward then gathers the reins again and sets the beast to gallop off after the knight, briefly forgetting his most pressing trouble to lament his lack of hat.

He'd find that the knight did keep a slow pace going, and the man would smile when he catches sight of the wizard behind him. "I knew your jolly good heart'd win out! As I said sir. I have the gift to see through people." The man smiles proudly. "Aha! The village is not even an hour's ride away, do not fret for your horses, this road is the safest in the kingdom most of the time!"

As Edward draws closer to the knight, Muiredach slows and snorts, impatient to run again, but obedient enough not to. "M-most of the Time," the wizard repeats gloomily as he fumblingly manages the restless steed, though the thought of getting at least an hour to change his mind or consider a scheme is somewhat encouraging.

They soon arrive at the town and Edward would immediately see what gives the town it's little name. It seems the town is build at the edge of a marshland, with houses build on poles and walkways allowing folks to move between them. The town also has the crude shape of a bottle, with the houses as the body and the richly carved longhouse of who'ever lorded here as the neck. "Bottombog. A silly little village is it not Sir Edward? Yet silly as it may be, we shall be heroes soon!" He rides to a stable at the roadside and descends from his destier, he binds the reigns to the pole and gives a young confused looking stablehand a gold coin. "Here you go young lad! Never let it be said that Sir Flenn Hamminfort is not noble. Brush up mine and my friend's horse and give them the freshest hay." The boy accepts the coin a bit confused but pockets it nonetheless.

"I, er--I-I don't see an ogre," Edward says, sounding both relieved and skeptical. Peering oddly at the strange town, he hopefully adds, "P-perhaps it, uh, h-heard we were coming, and, uh... left."

"Possibly! But let us hope not! No honor in that." The man looks at the village. "Come. Surely in this town's inn shall they know more!" At a brisk pace the knight sets off, completely missing the fact that the boy's expression had turned from puzzlement, to some kind of amused frown. As if someone had just said something incredibly silly.

Edward stares after the knight, slowly and steadily feeling increasingly stupid. Still having not dismounted Muiredach, he clears his throat in the prim and dignified way of someone trying not to go red in the face and turns to the stablehand. "Uh, i-if you don't, um, mind.... You w-wouldn't, er, know anything about any ogres, uh, w-would you?"

The stablehand stiffles a laugh in his palm, disguising it badly as a cough. "Oh, oh yes sir! T-tis horrible sir." The boy quickly turns his head away from the wizard, as to disguise his face that stood close to bursting in laughter. "I-I'll jus' tend to y'horses sir." He says, for some reason going to the shack to get hay although there are five bales stacked up clearly against the wall, which he carelessly passes.

Edward looks outright embarrassed, now, and perhaps a little indignant. "I, er... see," he mutters. While it would probably be best to return to the wagon, Muiredach is tired from the run, and they'd already come this far. At the very least, he might as well see what all the nonsense is about. Armed with this reasoning, he slides off his steed's back and, drawing himself to his full height, squares his shoulders, lifts his chin in a way that makes his impressive nose especially apparent, pointedly straightens his glasses and marches off in the direction the knight had gone with stiff purpose.

Aldurin: I dunno why but the mental image of Edward marchin off all serious like that made me spit my drink, due to a sudden onput of teh giggles.
Edwarde: GONNA SLAP A BITCH

Now that he is so close to his bounty the knight doesn't wait for the wizard. By the time the wizard catches up the man already stands in the tavern, helmet under his arm. "-amminfort! I have come here to stop the vile ogre that has caused your quiant little town so much trouble!" The tavern is almost empty, but for a few farmlads taking a break and of course the bartender, who. After staring at the knight with was is clearly some form of pity, puts on a practiced look of despair and places a mug she'd been drying off on the counter. "Oh my noble hero-" she spots Ed coming in after the knight. "Heroes. You've come during out direst need. The ogre is holed up in a house at the far east of town. The fearful monster that he is!" The few farmlands have their heads dug in their hands, to the knight's eyes they are probably cyring of joy... But the wizard's lack of ego could perhaps pick up the subdued snerks.

Edward delivers a very formidable a-hem, and tries to make his face stern before he peers around the knight at the tavern's inhabitants. "Is, er... i-is he, really," he asks, with such unhappy flatness that the sentence only barely qualifies as a question.

The knight turns around to Edward, looking absolutely appalled. "Of course he is! Look at these people!" He points a hand at what are to him sniffing farmlads. "They are broken with sorrow! Sir Edward! This can go on not a minute longer! We shall head to the east of town and drive the ogre out once and for all." The lady behind the counter seemingly can't take the sadness anymore, as she quickly retreats to her kitchen, which is through an open door behind the counter.

"Sorrow!" Edward honks. "Th-that fellow over there is snorting into his drink!" He squints. "And-and-and I... I-I think that one tried to hold his breath!"

The knight slowly shakes his head. "Sir Edward. I do not know what's come over you! But it does not matter! I will go to this ogre with or without you! For the people of this noble village!" He draws his sword and storms out of the tavern, indeed, with or without Edward.

Edward folds his arms and frowns, entirely unsure of what to do. He shoots a half-hearted glare at the knight, and tries to aim a similar one at the tavern's inhabitants, but loses his nerve before he manages it. Locking his jaw instead, he steps back out of the tavern, as well, and makes as if he's heading back to the stables, but then he carefully maneuvers around and starts off in the general direction the knight had gone. He's sorely doubting anyone needed him at all, and is growing bitter about the effort he'd wasted on running off on a fool's errand, and leaving Xiana, Maire and his wagon entirely unattended, at that--but one downfall of almost any wizard is a weakness for curiosity, and Edward feels he's owed at least the satisfaction.

And Edward arrives on time, it is not hard to find the house the Barkeeper had intended. It is a large circular hut with a thick straw roof and a door twice the size of others in the town. Flenn is already ascending the few steps and raps the door a few times, shouting aloud. "Come out you cur! I do not fear you! It is time you faced judgement for your monstrous existence!" Then he hears it, and Edward hears it too, loud heavy steps and the creaking of a wooden floor. The knob turns and the knight steps slightly backward to allow it to finally reveal 'the Ogre.' A large badger easily over 7 feet tall looms over the knight, broad-chested and dressed in a typical huntsman outfit he looks down on the man with deep green eyes, his teeth bared in an aggressive scowl. The knight's sword clatters to the ground and he steps back trembling "Ogre huh?" The badger says in a booming voice, crossing his thick arms. "Get out of my sight now. It stopped being funny the third time."

This development stuns Edward more than an actual ogre might have. He takes a few minutes to recover, and then, after spluttering for a few seconds, he blurts from the safety of a rather respectable distance, "Th-that-that-that isn't an ogre, Sir Hamminfort! That's a--a-a-a f-furre!" A terribly and unsettlingly big furre, perhaps, he adds in the back of his mind.

The knight gapes at the badger for a moment, but the badgers booming voice wakes him up. The man tries to smile, sweat running down his face in thick beads. "Err.. err.. M-m-my. E-e-ehm. I-I'll just go then s-sir. S-s-sorry for bothering y-you..." The knight says, Edward's voice being but a distant echo as he steps away from the big badgerman. The badger narrows his eyes as he looks up at Edward. "Well, well. Look at this. What a special day it is to have two fools at my door. One of them even wears a pretty dress."

"Oh," says Edward, slowly beginning to backpedal, and not looking very sure of himself at all anymore. "Er, n-not a--not a furre, then. Er, m-my--my mistake. I'll just, uh, be--b-be g-g-going back home, now, I-I-I think!"

It's amazing that a man can move so fast in plate armour, but the knight must be breaking records as he paces through town, the laughter of the townsfolk echoeing as he returns to the stables to get his horse and ride away. Even the badger smiles, a slightly annoyed smile, and he picks up the sword the knight had left behind. "Hrm. What a toy." He says as he flicks it into a nearby bush and closes his door again.

Edward stands and stares at the badger's house for a little while after he's quite sure the danger is gone, and then does something he usually can't on account of the presence of his hat: he scratches the thinning top of his head, entirely puzzled. Then, he turns, and spies the knight fleeing away, and he remembers all the effort and time it had cost him to get here, and how much more of it he'd waste on the way back--and so, frowning mightily, he bounds off after the fleeing knight, calling, "Hey! Er, hey!"

The Knight didnt wait for Edward, and rode into the other direction then the wizard had to go in. The knight really doesn't want to face the wizard right now.

Edward grumbles something ungentlemanly under his breath, and stomps off towards the stables, muttering in Erish the entire time, all the way until he's climbing back up onto Muireach's back. He leans over the horse's neck and gives the stablehand a look that's both injured and accusatory. "Wh-why didn't you tell me he w-w-was a bloody fool?!"

The stablehand grins at the wizard. "And miss the look on yer faces when ye return? A'hm sorry sir. T'is just too funny." The boy would laugh, but his face is still red from laughing at the knight and he doesn't want to choke.

"Oh. Oh, I see," Edward says sourly, and perhaps even sounding a little hurt. "Y-yes. Very good. Most--most admirable conduct, t-t-to be sure. Time is v-v-very important to some people, you know." With that, he turns Muiredach around and rides back towards where he thought he'd left the wagon in, but with his dreadful sense of direction, it may take him longer to get back than it did for him to arrive.

Xiana hadn't run into any trouble it seemed, she was grazing with Maire in a nearby meadow, occasionally the unicorn flicks her head to keep the slumpy hat from falling off. Maire is probably the first to see Edward return, and both equines come trotting towards him. "I sense no blood or battle on you. Did you fail in tracking down the ogre? Or had it a kinder heart then the man in steel knew?"

Edward looks quite tired by the time he finally comes trotting up, but he smiles at the unicorn with all the admiration and warmth with which he always does. "Oh, i-it, er... well, it w-wasn't an ogre at all," he says sheepishly, sliding off of Muiredach's back with the ginger care of a sore man. Pain to learn from, perhaps. He pats the gelding's rump and sends him off to graze, as well, and then sighs and leans against the wagon, wiping his shiny forehead. "Or a furre. In any c-case, er... I do think I've, uh, h-had quite enough of traveling for the day." He goes to collect his pipe from the wagon's bench, and then, after bidding Xiana a good evening and sincerely thanking her for watching over Maire, he climbs up into the wagon and shuts the door.

MORAL OF THE STORY: KNIGHTS ARE DOUCHEBAGS, BADGERS ARE ALSO DOUCHEBAGS, ENTIRE TOWN IS DOUCHEBAGS