Written by Libertine
RPing is an incredible hobby for the literary-inclined. It's a wonderful de-stressor (or it should be). For many, it's an easy way to take a little break beyond reality: like dreaming while awake. RP forms communities and brings like-minded folks together. But communities cut short are almost always destroyed in the end by out-of-character issues. People leave to escape the drama, unfairness, or cliques. Almost all reports that we admins receive revolve around the same themes. These are so common in the RP community that it wasn't at all difficult to find articles pertaining to a number of the issues we've been combating over the past year to keep our own dream afloat.
Now I'm just going to post clippings for easy reading, but if you find them useful or interesting (or too short!) I definitely suggest checking out the articles. They're blessedly frank and encompassing.
YE OLDE DISCLAIMERS
[*]This is just food for thought, not debate
[*]This post is not directed at any specific player
"3 red flags that your roleplay is getting out of hand"
[*]Emotional manipulation
[*]Threatening behavior
Entanglement
Roleplaying is an exercise in creating a character that is convincing. It's a bit like an acting exercise; convincing roleplay requires you to sink yourself into your character and see the world through their eyes, to react to situations and other characters just as a real person would.
But roleplaying emotions and experiencing emotions are two very, very different things.
For some, it's hard to separate real emotion from character emotion. Actors are experts in identifying that line between what is fiction and what is reality. Roleplayers may seem like actors, but while actors are trained to see that line, roleplayers have to find that line for themselves.
And some roleplayers never find that line or even think about it. For some, what they roleplay and the emotions they feel while they roleplay translates and crosses over to how they are feeling in real life. If they roleplay a scene and their character gets angry, they feel anger even after they've logged off the game. If they roleplay a romance with another character, they begin to think they have genuine feelings for the person they are roleplaying with, even if they've never exchanged any details about their out-of-game lives with each other.
If you notice that your roleplaying partner is acting strangely, carrying anger out of character or treating you as more than a roleplay partner, this may be a warning sign.
If you are having issues with emotional entanglements in game, don't beat yourself up over it. However, if you feel that your emotions are getting the better of you, you may want to examine how seriously you're taking your roleplay. If you're still angry, ask yourself why exactly you're angry and who you are angry at. If you're feeling a romantic connection with a roleplay partner, ask yourself how well, really, do you know them? Are those things you fancy traits of the roleplayer or just traits of the character? If your emotions are getting the better of you, you may want to consider taking a break and stepping back from roleplaying until you evaluate the situation.
Manipulation
I had a friend who joined a guild with the best intentions of simply getting out there and roleplaying his character. He became an officer, one of his fellow officers wanted to roleplay some sort of relationship with him. He wasn't interested in roleplaying romances. When he politely informed her of this out of character and had his character gently turn her character down, thus began weeks upon weeks of her character slowly sinking into depression and experiencing all sorts of horrible situations, all because his character had refused her advances. Not only did this make him feel guilty for not giving in to her demands, but it brought the mood of the rest of the guild down as well. Having a roleplaying officer do nothing but roleplay her character's misery wasn't really anyone's idea of a good time.
Any attempt to cheer her character up was met with yet another wave of misery. It was becoming incredibly clear that the only way her character would ever cheer up and snap out of her pit of woe was if his character agreed to be in a relationship with hers. Until then, the guild would be forced to deal with an officer character who did nothing to further the guild's fun factor and instead deliberately dragged it down.
Let me be clear here: This was not a situation where a character was being played as true to character. This was a situation where one roleplayer decided to make another feel incredibly guilty in order to get her way. She had no respect for how he wished to play his character. He felt horrible that her character was so depressed. Logging in for roleplay was like logging into a tense battlefield, and every roleplayer in the guild was simply walking on eggshells and waiting for the explosion. Needless to say, the explosion happened, and the entire guild detonated as a result.
If you ever, ever feel pressured to have your character act in a way that is contrary to how you want your character to act, get out. Don't feel badly about it, and certainly don't give in to it. If your roleplaying partners have that little respect for your style of roleplay, if they are so obsessed with giving their character what they want, that is emotional manipulation, not roleplay. That is godmodding taken to the extreme. Get out. Don't look back.
Threatening
In fact, if you're ever feeling uncomfortable in a roleplay situation, no matter what that situation, that's a gigantic red flag you shouldn't ignore. If you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable with what is happening to your character you should immediately call a halt to the roleplay. Have a discussion with your roleplaying partner, and let them know that you aren't comfortable with how the situation is turning out.
Your character isn't always going to have a life of sunshine and roses. Occasionally, they're going to run across a person who doesn't care for them. This isn't a reflection on you as a person; it's one fictional character disliking another fictional character. But just because it's all fictional doesn't mean that every roleplay situation needs to be played out. And it certainly doesn't mean you're required to roleplay any experience you run into, especially if it's emotionally taxing or repugnant. Situations like these require some out-of-character conversation to clear up. If your roleplay partner isn't willing to compromise on roleplay situations you're uncomfortable with, it may be time to find another roleplay partner.
Roleplaying can be incredibly fun, but it can also lead to some incredibly intense situations. Human emotion is a volatile thing, and it's sometimes hard to separate reality from fiction. But the emotion that two fictional characters experience should always be between those characters and never between the players***. Keeping a watchful eye for these red flags will help you avoid the drama, and embrace the fun.
(***this obviously does not apply to two adult players who both consent to that degree of OOC relationship)
"How to Stop Taking Things Personally"
When we take things personally we are giving certain individuals more power over us than they deserve or should ever be allowed to have. In effect, you are allowing someone to question what you feel and believe. In essence, taking things personally keeps you tied to someone else and, in the extreme, can even make you feel like a victim. So, instead of just reacting when someone pushes your buttons, these are some things to consider when you find yourself caught up in an interaction/confrontation where you feel your personal integrity is being challenged.
Focus on what this relationship really means to you.
How heavily invested are you in this individual? Do you always need to go along in order to please this person and to keep the peace? Do you really need this person’s approval? Is all the trouble keeping them happy, as they challenge you, really worth the effort?
Change the focus of the interaction by putting yourself in this other person’s shoes.
Try to understand what the other person is feeling/thinking/trying to convey to you. Is this the way they interact with many people, not just you? Maybe that person hasn’t mastered how to communicate in a healthy way. Perhaps they lack certain social skills and feel the only way they will be heard and paid attention to is by being rude or aggressive in their language, or by bullying to get their way.
Don’t jump to conclusions too quickly when you are being confronted.
Don’t make assumptions about judgment or criticism seemingly directed at you. Maybe it’s not about you at all. When you are aware of your sensitive spots, the things that trigger your emotions and reaction, you can prepare yourself if an interaction arises that attempts to draw you in.
Create a space between yourself and your reactions.
Your initial response might be to react emotionally. If possible, don’t follow that knee jerk reaction. Take the time to rein in your emotions and assess what’s really happening before you respond.
When you are ready, respond in order to gain clarification.
Hopefully, your emotions will take a back seat while you ask this individual to fully explain what’s on their mind and what they want from you. Tell them how what they’re saying/doing makes you feel. In some instances, they may not realize how aggressive and insensitive they are being; Explain that if the goal of the interaction/confrontation is meant to be conciliatory they’re going about it in the wrong way.
If it becomes clear that this person can’t respect you and your space and insists on creating a situation over and over again that’s meant to make you uncomfortable, devalue and belittle you, and constantly attempt to bait you, you need to rethink the relationship. If it’s family it may be hard to divorce yourself from them. If it’s someone else, break off all ties with this person for your own sake.
Finally, learn to rely on yourself.
Of course, relationships will play a prominent role in your life. But the more you know about yourself the less you need others to tell you about yourself. Your dependency on outside forces is diminished.
Moderators: Jenn