RP Help Compendium

I have always found that in interacting with others, both online and off, there is a struggle in knowing how to deal with people whether in individual settings or in groups. Are there tips on how to engage with people, methods in which to avoid confrontation, means to share ideas without coming across as pushy? What 'magic formula' is there that can help people make meaningful relationships, be it as friends, coworkers, acquaintances, administration or players?

The obvious answer is 'Yes'. The less clear answer is to the question of 'How'. But that is something I would like to share with people today. A friend of mine had come across a book some years ago, titled 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', written by Dale Carnegie in 1936. It became a coffee table staple for families and businessmen for years, and still is today. Why? Because this book was a fundamental aid in helping people understand.. well. People. In business, politics, entertainment, people are the focal point. They are the reason such industries exist, and would be nothing without them. That goes, as well, for things online. Roleplay especially, for that is what we do.

We focus on people. We write, we create characters, we create stories, we, as players, interact with one another, whether it be on forums, live chat programs like Byond or Furcadia, over programs like Discord or in person at tabletop sessions. Rather than make people go out and buy the book, my friend had been kind enough to summarize the most important and poignant facets of each section: Basic points, Pertinent Quotes, and then how it tied in with people, particularly in the realm of Roleplay.

That being said, I present to you 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', by Dale Carnegie. May it help you, in whole or in part, as you meet people, make friends, and most importantly, learn how to interact with others and yourselves.


1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

This goes for people's characters, their posting style, their art, or whether or not you've been acknowledge (OOCly and ICly). Complaining at someone for their missteps, criticizing someone for doing something differently than you like, or condemning someone for choosing a different flavor of roleplay than you do also falls under these categories. Everyone has their own preferences, and so we have to be accepting of all of those different likes, dislikes, and differences. Without that we'd be boring! However, that doesn't mean that those that flagrantly break rules shouldn't be called to task or be told that they need to behave properly. That's not a matter of being accepting, that's a matter of ensuring that harmony is kept and peace remains.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.

If someone does something well, make sure you pat them on the back for it. If someone does something kind for you, appreciate it and give them genuine affection. Be kind to people, it breeds good feelings towards you and will make people respond better to you. You make them like you, and with that comes the ability to guide others. It also makes people feel less offensive, less angry, and less ready to fight. If you appreciate what they have done (be it something so simple as telling someone that their art is awesome or that the post they just made gave you a case of the giggles) or something similar it will go worlds towards making you a more pleasant person to be around.

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

The secret of the Devil is that he tempts a person with what they want. If you offer (and give) people what they want or make the options appear appealing (like a worm on a hook for a fish) you can have people listening to you and taking what you offer with far less anger than if you grab someone by the jaws and force-feed them what you want. Or if you try and tempt them with something they don't want. If you want someone to give in and let something happen in a scene, make it appealing or give them something they would like in return.


1. Become genuinely interested in other people.

If you care about others, and are interested in them, they will respond. It all echoes back to making them feel important and useful. Showing interest in a person, in their views and thoughts and life, makes them feel important and that will get you everywhere in life. Be interested in another person and be honest about it: Everyone has a story. Everyone has knowledge you don't possess, so look at them all as having that, even if you have a greater well of knowledge than they do at that time. They might have a point of view that you don't. Don't dismiss people off hand, it makes them angry and makes them feel far more hostile towards you than they might otherwise.

2. Smile.

Cheesy as it may sound, it's true. And honestly, genuinely offered smiley faces () can produce similar reactions and invoke smiles at the other end of the screen. Don't just toss 'em around, even if they are pixels and emoticons that don't seem to really mean much, they translate. And if you can make someone feel the warmth of your smile in your text, then they, too, will smile, and they will be more warmly disposed to you. Laughter helps; if you can make someone laugh - genuinely - they will probably feel more happy towards you.

3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

While this is less important in a roleplay setting (where many of us don't know the others' real names) it's always good to recognize someone as being who they are. If you know someone's OOC name, use it as best you can. The most poignant example of such is when you watch a newborn react to his or her mother’s voice and hearing his/ her name be spoken. This is an undeniable truth, for names have power.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

If you get people to open up and talk about themselves, they'll be far more comfortable with you and find you a more interesting conversationalist than if you spend all the time talking about yourself. Because the reality is that 90% of people are more interested in themselves than in you and those that are more interested in you... well they're the ones that write this stuff. But getting people to open up lets you learn a great deal more about them than you might know otherwise, so that when something comes up you will be able to understand their viewpoint more readily since you know them and that knowing of the person... it all comes back to making them feel appreciated and important.

5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

If you know something that the other person is interested in, using it to establish common ground is imperative. In this case, all of us share the common interest of roleplay, so that is what brings us together and occupies the brunt of our conversations with one another. Now, that isn't to say that there aren't other common threads (art, music, etc.) but when you discover another person's interests, talk on that and from there discover other things that you have in common.

6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Everyone wants to be important, and wants to feel important. It is like breathing. And to offer people that feeling of importance binds people to you. If you make someone feel as though they are worth something, they will be loyal and true to you more often than not. That honesty, that faith, is a beautiful thing. It is a healing and valuable thing to offer someone the opportunity to mean something, and it breeds companionship and camaraderie, a sense of mutual belonging. That's why in plots, it is best to make plots that involve as many as possible. And that's why so many people make plots that put their characters in the forefront. That search for meaning, the desire to be accepted and important drives people to create drama and situations circling around their character.

That feeling of importance is imperative for storytellers, we need to make all players feel needed and important, so we need to give them roles, give them parts to play, give them stories to tell and to take and to make their own. That's why everyone feels left out if a story revolves around one character with no parts for everyone else or if the storyteller makes their character the focus of the entire adventure. The conflict of wills is tough and balancing it is even tougher. This is why it is so important to talk to others and get to know them as people. It can make all the difference, game or otherwise.


1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Very valuable advice. If someone doesn't ask for your criticism or your opinion, if someone doesn't begin an argument with you, or if you have someone already incised and yelling, don't argue back. They will not hear you, and if you make a habit of criticizing others when not asked, you will find yourself on the wrong end of a reputation you don't want. Don't start arguments with people, be it over posts or anything else. If you are in a situation where the other person's error causes you serious trouble then speak up about it. But until such a time, don't bother people or criticize them over their characters, their posts, or their playing. It's just not necessary and it creates discord and unhappiness in everyone and puts everybody on edge. So just let it go unless it's something that directly influences you or puts you in a tight spot.

2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "you're wrong."

This is a hard lesson, particularly when in a situation that you know beyond question that the other person is, actually, wrong. The diplomatic way of doing it suggests that you treat the other person with dignity, give them the feeling that you understand their intelligence, that you know they know something and that you know they are not insignificant or fools. If you address people as though you are speaking down to them, or from a position above them, they bristle and become angry. And then they won't hear you and won't care about whether you're right or whether you're wrong, they will only care about their injured pride. And before you puff your chest out and say that people need to get over it, you need to understand that this is the majority of the population and while one might stick up their nose and say that they won't associate with people that won't accept that kind of thing, you are condemning yourself to a very lonely life at the 'top'. And by 'top' I mean only the intellectual pyramid, you won't actually accomplish anything because no one will be able to tolerate you. Never forget the phrase 'It is lonely at the top'. This is what people mean when they say that.

3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

If you admit that you are wrong when you are, you gain far more respect than if your pride will not allow you to see that you have done wrong. Let's be bluntly honest, everyone is wrong and they are wrong far more often than they will ever admit to people comfortably. But if you admit to it honestly when it happens and don't try to cover up or get defensive it won't get ugly that way. Be genuine when you make a mistake and own up to it, and people will find you far more trustworthy than if you back yourself into a corner. Beyond that, don't beat yourself up over an error - everyone makes mistakes and makes them often. If you get defensive and angry at yourself - or at the other for bringing it up - then you deny part of what it is to be human.

4. Begin in a friendly way.

If you start in a friendly and genial manner it will set the tone for the entire conversation. How you begin the conversation sets the tone for the entire situation. If you start a conversation in a hostile manner, the rest of the encounter will follow suit, if you begin in a friendly and light-hearted manner then the other person is set at ease and you will better be able to have the conversation stay genial rather than having it start with someone feeling cornered with their hackles lifted.

5. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

Start on ground that you agree on and start by telling people what similarities you have, rather than where you disagree. Start by telling them where you agree with them and get them agreeing with you first. Then start speaking on the differences. Since you will then already have them agreeing with you, it will lubricate the situation and give you more common ground than different. As a result, the things you disagree on will seem diminished by comparison and thereby somewhat less glaring and insurmountable. Coach everything by starting with where you agree with the other person and use that similarity to drive the conversation.

6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Allowing others to do most of the talking harkens back to letting the other person feel important. If you allow them to speak to you on what they know and let them do all the talking, they feel as though you are paying close attention to what they are saying (as well you should be) and then you may nudge them in the right directions.

7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

If you allow the other person to come to the conclusion for themselves then it will stick and it will feel less like them being wrong and more like them having a revelation. If people feel wrong they get defensive and from that defensiveness they get angry because they feel backed into a corner.

8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

If you can understand the other person's point of view and can see things from their point of view then you will be able to either help change their thinking if necessary or perhaps see holes in your own reasoning. If you also can understand what you are fighting against, you'll better be able to argue it. As Sun Tzu said, "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."

9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

If you remain sympathetic and considerate of others' points of view and beliefs than you can put them further at ease and make them more inclined to hear you and listen to you rather than fight you all the way. If people feel that they are understood and that you care about their point of view then they will not feel the need to defend themselves and they will be more likely to be calmer and will accept the judgment for they will feel like you are being fairer with them than otherwise.

10. Appeal to the nobler motives.

If you treat someone as though they are honest and make note that you think they are honest, fair, and upright, if they are being subversive then they may well have a few moments of guilty conscience. However, at the same moment if they are honest and fair then they will probably feel vindicated that you recognize their merit and honesty. If you go into it visibly suspicious then things degenerate quickly - this is an exercise in being able to ask questions and show what you want to show without necessarily tipping your hand. It's not dishonest, but it is definitely one way to encourage honesty in others.

11. Dramatize your ideas.

It's a case of "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." Make sure that what you're saying is presented in a way that appeals to people, that calls on things and invokes emotions and other such bits and pieces. Bring your ideas to life and let people feel things and be drawn into them. Tell a story if you want to, but make sure that the manner in which you say things invokes things in your listeners.

12. Throw down a challenge.

By throwing down a challenge, it doesn't mean be nasty. It means challenge someone to succeed, to surpass you, to prove themselves to you and when they do that they will feel more victorious and more righteous when they succeed and beat the odds. When you challenge someone don't just throw your head up and say, "I'm better than you and there's nothing you can do about it!" that's just going to get people angry. The way it has to work is that you push them, "This is what I can do, what can you do?" and you do it in the manner of a friendly challenge - not a pissing contest. If they win, then they have won, if you win then be gracious about it - never lord your victory over others, it's unappealing.


Hopefully this has offered some insight into how to get people to react to you better, and in turn, how to react to others better yourself. It is useful both on and off the keyboard, in gaming environments, in work, in family, and in friendships. While this doesn't capture the whole book, nor does it do it justice, it is at least a "Cliff's Notes" version that will give some methods that might make life easier for you and might make your interactions with others less stressful. Hopefully this article has given a bit of an insight into the human mind and how we interact with people.

Remember to always be sincere - your goal from using these tips should be to come to mutual understanding with those you interact with, not 'game the system' and use people. Gaming the system will only do you a disservice, it will eventually come back to bite you, and you will only have yourself to blame in those instances.



So may these tips be useful to you all, either in whole or in part, and good luck!