Help » Helping friends with mental health

Disclaimer

We are not certified mental health professionals, and nothing in this article is medical advice. In an emergency, always call 911 (or your country's equivalent emergency line) first, or encourage the person in crisis to do so if you do not know their address.

Check in with yourself first

It’s okay to be worried about a friend. That means you care about them and it demonstrates that you really want to help. Always remember that even while helping a friend, sometimes these worries can feel like the problem is ‘too big’ and you can feel lost about what to do. That’s okay! Take a deep breath. This mini guide can help you through it.

If you feel overwhelmed and that you are unsure if you can help your friend, it’s time to make sure you yourself are mentally healthy and prepared. This does not mean you’re a ‘failure’ by any means if you feel like you can’t help someone. – What it means, is that it might be a good idea to direct them to someone who can help them. Such as, a caring and trained professional or a moderator. Don’t take it upon yourself if you don’t feel ‘ready’ to do that. Instead, send them some links from our mental health resources page. Let them know that even though you are overwhelmed, you care, and want to see things improve for them.

Check in with your friend and listen

If you do feel prepared to help, something as simple as ‘checking in’ and asking how they are and how they’re feeling can help.

Most of the time, people just really want their thoughts and feelings heard by someone else and to know that person cares. Here are some tips for listening:

• Let them talk! Ask questions and listen to their story about why they’re feeling how they are. This is about them needing to feel heard.
• Don't tell your friend to cheer up or that things "aren't that bad."
• It's not always the best idea to 'relate' your own experiences or give advice unless they ask for it. Let them have the floor for a little while. If you do want to talk about your own experiences, say something like "I have a story that I think relates to this. Would you like to hear it?" Be prepared to accept a "no" gracefully.
• Practice active listening. You may even want to go through 7 Cups listener training if you want to get really good at active listening in an online context.

After your friend discusses how they’re feeling with you, sometimes asking if they have a “plan of safety” if they’re feeling bad again can really help. A plan of safety can be making sure they have the number of a helpline written down where they can access it anytime, the phone number of a trusted relative or even just finding a quiet place to relax.

Encourage your friend to get help

It’s important to note that text/chat on a forum isn’t the most reliable source of communication. While you can offer to support your friend – remind them that sometimes you’re not always going to be available to respond immediately if they need someone to talk to. Those resources or “plan of safety” can be helpful as a tool if they need someone when you’re not around or don’t feel like you can help right now.

If the situation is severe enough that you are worried for your friend's health, safety, or life, you should urge your friend to call 911 (or their country's equivalent emergency number) for their own safety. The RP Repository is NOT a substitute for real emergency or mental health services!

Don’t forget that you can always ‘report’ a post or a personal message if you’re worried about somebody. A moderator can help! This isn’t getting them in trouble, it’s sending us a message to say, ‘hey I think you should look at this’ and the moderators will be glad to help. Again, we are not emergency responders or mental health professionals, and in the case of an emergency, always encourage your friend to call their emergency number first.

Healthy boundaries and self-care

If you’re feeling exhausted or upset after helping a friend – it’s time to practice some self-care for yourself! Make sure you talk to someone or use the mental health resources too. Don’t forget to take care of you.

Remember that being a good friend doesn't mean that you have to "give until it hurts." If you give so much help that you yourself burn out or become depressed, then you will stop being able to be helpful! So check in with your own self frequently, and do your best to maintain healthy boundaries with your friend.

If at any point you feel like your friend's problems are too big, or you need some time to recover, it is okay to tell your friend that you need some time. Here's some phrases that might be useful:

• "I'm feeling very low myself right now, and I don't think I can be a good listener today. I'm going to check out some of the links on https://www.rprepository.com/help/mental-health-resources to recover. Maybe we can do it together?"
• "I care about you very much, and I'm worried that I don't have the answers to the problems you're facing. Can we look at https://www.rprepository.com/help/mental-health-resources again to try and find a resource with some answers?"
• "I feel overwhelmed right now. Can we distract ourselves by talking about something silly tonight?"
• "I need to do some self-care, so I'm going to focus on RPing and relaxing today. I'll check back in with you tomorrow though!"

If you can, it's always best to leave your friend with a resource they can turn to on days when you aren't available yourself, so send them either to our list of mental health resources or to another set of resources if you happen to know of one that's more relevant to your friend's needs.

Remember that although you can support friends, some serious mental health issues can require help from trained professionals. Don't judge yourself harshly if you are not able to solve the problem or "fix" your friend -- that's not the role that you are playing here.

It is also okay to say no; if you are not equipped to help someone or are too distressed by the things they talk about, it is okay to be clear and set a boundary. You are not required to try to be a therapist for anyone else. Be clear that although you care, you are not in a position to help them, and give them the list of mental health resources.

Remember: mental health issues are not a license to mistreat others

Someone's trauma does not give them a license to inflict trauma on others. If your friend is being cruel, abusive or otherwise lashing out at you, you are not required to put up with that. You are not helping someone by letting them hurt you.

If someone is being nasty, you can still hit the "report" button to have a moderator talk to them, even if you were trying to help them when it happened. You can also try one of the following phrases:

• "I know you're hurting, but it's not okay to treat me like that."
• "I want to help, but please don't say _____ to me. It is hurtful and uncalled for."
• "I have asked you not to treat me this way. Although I care about you and I'm worried for you, it's not my job to be a punching bag. I'm going to block you for a few hours in the hopes that you'll calm down. I hope you'll use one of the mental health resources in the meanwhile. https://rprepository.com/help/mental-health-resources"

It is also okay to permanently cut ties with someone who is cruel to you, even if you think mental health issues played a role in their mistreatment of you! You are not their therapist or doctor, and you do not have to be a martyr.